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For those of you who watch what you eat… Here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
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A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing
then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed
into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she
collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn’t have a
stitch of clothing on.
Horrified, she let out a shriek.
Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. “Don’t let it bother you,
miss,” he moaned. “I’ll never live to tell anyone.”
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For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now let’s just hope that the unemployment rate doesn’t change.
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Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published.”
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Ever have the problem of catching a ride with someone whose car doesn’t have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take advantage of you because you don’t know the rules.
Section I General Rules
1.) The first person to yell “SHOTGUN” gets to ride in the front seat.
2.) The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call “back right seat”, etc..
3.) The word “shotgun” must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn’t his car, and the owner is present, the owner’s decision is final. Owner must be sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)
4.) Everyone must be outside of the building (including the driver) before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, the garage is considered to be outside.
5.) A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. There is to be no calling front seat for both ways at the same time.
6.) Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. I.e. women don’t own the front seat.
7.) One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it for themselves.
Section II Special Cases
1.) These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.
2.) In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
3.) If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
4.) In the instance the driver’s spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
5.) In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
6.) In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
7.) In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.
Section III The Survival Of The Fittest Rules
If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival Of The Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting 1.4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.
The driver must announce the institution of the Survival Of The Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.
Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule 1.4.
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In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”
There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him.”
There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh!” he thought, “If that fly goes
down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper
lunch.”
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly …and that bear grabs for
that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”
A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
“Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that
fly… and that bear grabs for that fish …and that hunter shoots that
bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can
have mouse for lunch.”
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks…The cat falls
into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is….
Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Somewhere there’s a pussy in trouble.
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well, how was the honeymoon?” asked the mother.
“Oh mamma!” she exclaimed. “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!”
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. “But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He’s been saying things I’ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”
“Now Sarah . . .” her mother answered. “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mamma.” wept the daughter.
“I’m so embarrassed! They’re just too awful! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride replied, “Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!”
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The woman was on the verge of death. She asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband. She said:
“I have something to confess…”
“Yes?”
“You know our seventh child, little Joe?…”
“He’s not mine?!…”
“No, he is yours.”
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A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.
Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -
“Will the gentleman on the lady’s tee please move back to the men’s tee”.
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.
The Voice again – “Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!”
He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
“Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady’s tee can hit his second shot”!
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