Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and
I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
“How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
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and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd
boy)
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, “this is your asshole before prison……”
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he
was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor,
and the doctor said, “All right, let’s check you out. You sit down here
on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read
that chart on the wall over there.”
He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, “No, no,
no. Put your right hand over your right eye.”
This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now
getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor
really gets mad and says, “All right, I’ll fix you!” He gets a paper
bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and
says, “Now, read that chart!” The guy read it perfect!
The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying
like a baby. The doctor says, “Now, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!”
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so he went to his Priest.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
my attic.”
“Well,” answered the Priest, “That’s no a sin.”
“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”
“Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more
question.”
“What is it son.”
“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
“What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is
that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child.”
“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”
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This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a ‘professional smart person’ by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.
1)How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator? *
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Answer: Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.
*
2)How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator? *
*
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Answer: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
*
3)The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend? *
*
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Answer:The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.
*
4)You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it? *
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Answer:You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”.
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90′s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
next.
The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your Office’s auditorium.
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Why does Peter Pan Fly?
You’d fly too if you got hit in the peter with a pan.
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The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death
of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.
Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately
8:42PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and
going and going, “Pinkie” as he was known to his friends and
relatives, was alone at the time of his death.
An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical
Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny’s batteries in backwards,
and he kept coming, and coming and coming…
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Two accountants were discussing a colleague’s interest in one
of the firm’s new secretaries. “I just don’t get it.” said one.
“She’s an airhead – nothing going on upstairs.
“That may be true,” replied the other, “but I don’t think that’s
the floor he’s getting off on.”
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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care
of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”
“No problem at all – - nine hours solid every night. At 10
o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. “What are you
people doing?” he asks. “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed.”
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