What is It?
Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one.
Maddona does not have one. And a priest does not
use his. What is it?
A Last name
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Our office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened, some of them even got ulcers.
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant’s backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
“What the %$*& is so funny?” asked one of the scientist.
“You should have seen the monkey’s face trying to get the cork back in!”
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE,
SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID, “I THINK I’LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE
A BATH.” SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE
HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE SAID “WAS
I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?” SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE
DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, “YOU KNOW,
GERTRUDE’S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I’D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER.”
AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, “WAS
I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?” HARRIET WAS LEFT
SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF. AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA’S REMARK SHE SAID,
“THANK GOODNESS I’M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD.” “WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR
OR THE BACK DOOR?”
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Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn’t wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn’t had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said ‘Your ears.’
‘What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!’
‘Well,’ said Bob ‘In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!’
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
It may help to say the word out loud… Perhaps slowly.
Arbitrator ar’-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
Avoidable uh-avoy’-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Burglarize bur’-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips’: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i’-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee’-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left’ bangk’: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.
Misty miss’-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par’-of-docks: Two physicians.
Parasites par’-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm’-uh-sist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize po’-lur-ize: What penguins see with.
Primate pri’-mate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leaf’: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub’-er-nek: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem’-stress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish sel’-fish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued some-dood’: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed soo’-da-fed: Bringing litigation against a government official.
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