Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not be able to come in today as I’m too sick.”
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
“well, just how sick are you?”
“Well” the employee sighed, “I’m in bed with my sister!”
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Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.
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A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless
dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at
this and said to himself, “I would hate to see how they give out bloody
Mary’s.”
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn’t listen to you.
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather
hot blond behind him has just smiled “Hello” to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him…
and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from…
so he says… “Sorry… do you know me?”
She replies… “I may be mistaken… but I thought you might be the
father… of one of my children.”
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
“Holy crap”… he says, “are you that stripper from my bachelor party
that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends… while
your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up
my behind?”
“No”… she replies… “I’m your son’s teacher.”
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Did you hear about the guy born with two left feet?
He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips…
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Q. What’s O. J. Simpson’s Internet address?
A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
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My Darling Son Letter!
Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry about poor old me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.
I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but don’t you worry none about your poor old mother. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I’m actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.
Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.
Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what’s-her-name. The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.
Happy New Year.
Love, Mom
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To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
“Let’s be extra careful, honey,” the husband says, “If we damage that house over there, it’ll cost us a fortune.”
The wife nods, tees off and – bang! – sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
“Jesus Christ,” the husband says. “I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let’s go up there, apologize and see what the damage is.”
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
“Come on in,” a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, “Are you the guys who just broke my window?”
“Um, yeah,” the husband replies, “sorry about that.”
“Not at all, it’s me who has to thank you. I’m a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You’ve just released me. To show my gratitude, I’m allowed to grant each of you a wish. But – I’ll require one favor in return.”
“Really? That’s great!” the husband says. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem – that’s the least I can do. And you, what do you want?” the genie asks, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country of the world,” the wife says.
The genie smiles. “Consider it done.”
“And what’s this favor we must grant in return, genie?” the husband asks.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven’t had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I’m fine if it’s alright with you.”
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, “How old exactly is your husband?”
“31,” she replies.
“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing!”
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Men come in three sizes:
Small, medium, and Oh My God!
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