why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
breasts don’t have eyes
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Read all jokes from:Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
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A straight guy and a gay are in the men’s room and the straight guy has
his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked
how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, “I put Vaseline
on it every night.” That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went
to bed. His partner George said, “What in the hell is that?” “It’s to grow
hair.” he replied. “Bull shit!” said George. “If Vaseline grew hair…I’d
have tail a mile long!
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A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number — room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.
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Snow Snow Snow
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to – 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway And sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you can’t believe. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying.
December 21:
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crud fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I’m sure he is lying.
December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.
December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the miserable slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to scream!
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to – 30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above – 20. Still snowed in. The wench is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of snow predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.
“I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I’m sending him over.”
The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
“A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. “OK, what about the earsth?”
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.
“OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to see her run!”
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The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierand
was down to two final applicants – one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate
New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, “Jim Johnson!” Up stepped a
burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
“He looks like he cantake care of any situation,” thought the manager,
and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the first
applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, “Now Jim, I like the way you carry
yourself – that’s an important asset for the job as cashier.
However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the
place on the application where we asked your formal education.”
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,
“Where did you get your financial education?”
“Oh,” replied Jim – “Yale.”
“That’s very good … excellent. You’re hired!”
“Now that you’re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?”
Jim answered “I don’t care… Yim… or Mr. Yonson.”
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Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
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A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
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A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.
“What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor.
“Oysters,” she said.
“Fresh oysters?” asked the doctor.
“How should I know?” said the lady
“Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn’t you tell when you took off the
shells?”
“My Gosh,” gasped the lady. “Are you supposed to take off the shells?”
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