Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting
under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing
away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the
man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
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Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A2: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A3: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
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“Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county
home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me
listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told
her to go fuck herself.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston”
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Why do gay men have moustaches?
To hide the stretchmarks.
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The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. “Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime too.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” sighed the stockbroker. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.”
“Oh nothing fancy like that for me,” grinned the convict. “I just killed a couple of priests.”
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Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.
Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP
tiperiter………..a word processor
colering book…….a graphics program
addin mershene……calculator
outhouse paper …..notepad
jupe-box ………..CD Player
iner-net…………Microsoft Explorer
pichers………….A graphics viewer
IRS……………..M/S accounting software
IRS2……………..M/S accounting software with hidden files
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
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Heaven is…
when the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the British are the police, the Germans are the mechanics and the Swiss run the hotels.
Hell is…
when the British are the cooks, the Swiss are the lovers, the Italians are the mechanics, the French run the hotels and the Germans are the police.
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A Christmas Poem
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I’ll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
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Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance…
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink…
Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke…
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters…
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t
want to talk to in the first place…
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight…
Only in America… do we use the word “politics” to describe the
process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning
“blood-sucking creatures”…
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A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to
sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate.” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give
me the broom, I’ll show you how.”
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