Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
One day this hunter drives his truck out into the forest, in the trunk he has a pistol, a shotgun and a rocket launcher.
So he stops off in the middle of the woods, grabs his pistol out of the trunk and goes off on foot in search of bears.
He sees one drinking down by the stream, he slowly aims the gun, and BANG! he shoots the bear and it falls down to the floor, not 2 seconds later he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns around to find the bear standing right in front of him, the bear says “look mate, that really hurt, so im gonna give u 2 choices, either i rip you to shreds, or i bumfuck you” so the hunter thinks, o shit what should i do?, but seen as he dosent want to die he lets the bear bumfuck him.
Afterwards he’s really pissed off about the bear incedent, so he runs back to his car, grabs his shotgun and goes out in search to kill that same bear.
He finds the bear he’s looking for with 2 other bears, so BANG BANG BANG! he shoots all 3 of them and they fall to the floor, yet only 2 seconds later he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to find the 3 bears standing in front of him, so the first bear says “alright mate, that hurt the 3 of us, so you’ve got 2 choices, we bumfuck you, or we rip you to shreds” so once again the hunter who doesn’t want to die lets them bumfuck him.
So now the hunter is really really pissed off, so he goes back to his car, pulls out his rocket launcher and goes off in search for those 3 bears.
He comes across them in a whole pack of ten bears, he aims the rocket and BOOM! the bears blow up. But once again he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to face the 10 bears behind him, the first one says ” look mate, just between you and me, you’re not really in this for the hunting are ya”
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Dean, to the physics department. “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn’t you be like the math department – all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
A string walks into a bar.
He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys “Sorry we don’t serve strings”. So the string leaves.
The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys “Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away.”
The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.
He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys “Hey aren’t you that string that’s been coming in here all the time.”
They string replys “No I’m a freyed knot”.
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Read all jokes from: Unsorted Jokes (+32484)
Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
weeks leave in which to get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” said the boss. “Why didn’t you get
married then?”
“What and ruin my vacation?” she whined.
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“Look at me.” an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his
birthday bash. “I’ve aged like a fine old carefully stored wine.”
“I certainly have to agree with that.” piped-up his obviously long
suffering wife. “Henry’s cork’s been stationary for years.”
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A woman’s random thoughts!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “listen witch… do it and die!”
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”
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John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it’s top
of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.
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A lawyer’s car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, ‘my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!” As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer’s right arm missing.
”Do you realize your arm is gone?” asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
“My rolex, my brand new rolex!”
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman “I know why you’ve got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty”, He says to the Scotsman “I know why you’ve got the umbrella to keep the sun off you”, “but” he says to the Irishman “Why have you got the car door?” and the Irishman replies “If I get hot I can wind the window down!”
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Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there!
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