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Golf (+379)
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
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Sport (+1016)
* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a “USA! USA!” chant.
* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn’t “play with the big boys,” and that she will never get past mid-card status.
* When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin.
* If you can actually remember Sting’s last public words.
* If on a job application, you state your residence as “parts unknown.”
* If you quit your Job because you have to find your “Smile.”
* When you’re getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.
* If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is distracting him.
* When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.
* When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.
* When you rack your neighbor’s dog.
* When you attend a graduation, and yell “Ooooooh yeah!” when ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ plays.
* When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him.
* When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you lose.
* When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright.
* You watch car racing in order to see Bob “sparkplug” Holly
* When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public.
* When you win an award and immediately spray paint “nWo” on it.
* When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.
* When you begin to shake someone’s hand in public but then hesitate to look for the crowd’s response.
* When you get into a real fight and you blade.
* When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.
* If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to “cut the music.”
* When anytime anybody asks you a question, you “grab the mike” and yell, “MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!”
* When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black.
* If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches.
* After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then after you raise both yours and your friend’s arms in the air, as he looks to the side, you clothesline him.
* If you think John the Baptist Bladed.
* If you wonder why Bob Backlund’s campaign for the presidency never got any press.
* If you carry a foreign object in your underwear.
* When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.
* If you’re a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator.
* If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game.
* If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new one.
* If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company’s hotline.
* If you purposely blade yourself while shaving.
* If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn.
* When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid.
* When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket Match.
* When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
* If you paint your face and don’t speak to your co-workers
* When you go to your daughter’s softball game and start a “we want blood” chant.
* If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to a loser must retire match.
* When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.
* If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the year, you “turn” and slam a chair across the recipient of the award’s head…then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU deserved the award.
* If you refer to all the women in your work area your valets.
* When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case).
* If you refer to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal as rag sheets.
* If you wondered why Vince didn’t borrow money from Ted DiBiase to prevent WCW from “buying” it’s wrestlers.
* You start every sentence with the words “Well, ya know, Mean Gene…” or “Let me tell ya something…”
* You refer to everyone you talk to as “brother.”
* Every time you see someone yawning, you get an uncontrollable urge to thrust your fingers down their throat and screech uncontrollably.
* Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood.
* You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.
* You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt.
* You constantly play really bad air guitar on your foil belt that you cheated to win.
* On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and steal all the trick-or-treaters’ masks and then claim them as “prizes.”
* You get kicked off the school wrestling team for chokeslamming your opponent.
* You cried when the Giant went nWo.
* You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper’s theme music.
* You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
* You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.
* You throw your VCR away when you can’t find Rick Steiner on your copy of “Gremlins.”
* Your best friend is a microphone.
* After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as “heels.”
* You try to write to the admissions office at S.C.U.
* You dress your dog up as a “Hulkamaniac.”
* You use the phrase “Too Sweet” more than 45 times daily.
* You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.
* You honestly believe that “TBS” stands for “The Brain Station.”
* You think “No Holds Barred” should win an Oscar.
* Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.
* You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs around.
* You requested “3:16″ as your new license plate.
* You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.
* You think that The Giant is a “sissy.”
* You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black marks on their faces.
* You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.
* You feel sorry for jobbers.
* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say’s, “Jay Leno 1-0 Who’s Next?”
* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.
* You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son.
* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three count.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to “Rest In Peace.”
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
* Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on your cat.
* In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a chair and look around for crowd responses.
* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up signs and chant your name.
* You won’t come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the radio.
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