Read all jokes from: Sport (+1016)
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.
“Well, Johnny” says the Judge, “Would you like to live with your Mother?”
“No” replied Johnny, “she hits me all the time”
“Well then,” the Judge continues, “Would you like to live your your Father?”
“No” replied Johnny again, “He hits me all the time too!”
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy “Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?”
“I’d like to live with Watford Football Club” the boy replied quickly.
“Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?” replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
“Well” replied Johnny, “They never beat anyone”
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”
And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
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Read all jokes from: Sport (+1016)
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?”
The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.”
The other man replied,”I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?”
The man replied, “They’re all at the funeral.”
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
For you golfers aout there, here are some actual quotes from caddies. Well, maybe…
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, sir, its a compass!”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
Golfer (screaming): “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!”
Caddy: “I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!”
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Read all jokes from: Sport (+1016)
An American had been told to go to a cricket match while he was in England. He watched with pleasure as the teams came out and the batsman scored four runs off the first six balls. Then the umpire called “OVER”. “Well,” he said, getting up, “it’s a nice game – but it’s very short!”
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Read all jokes from: Wrestling (+9)
Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
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Read all jokes from: Sport (+1016)
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger and heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish. The buddy eyed the Marlin and said, “Only caught the one, huh?”
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Read all jokes from: Sport (+1016)
A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to
Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I
was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to
Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?”
So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, “I’ll tell
you what, I’ll let you see what Hell looks like before you are
officially entered into Heaven. Come with me.” And so Saint Peter lead
the man to an elevator and said, “Take this elevator to the very
bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like,
but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator.”
The man said “Thank you” and then climbed into the elevator and hit
the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the
elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a
lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains
of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said,
the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed
and he traveled back up to Heaven.
After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said,
“I’m ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one
more question.” “Go ahead”, replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked,
“I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was
snow and ice. Is that what it’s really like?”
Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered,
“Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super
Bowl!!”
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Read all jokes from: Football (+145)
The Chicago Bears 2000 schedule and changes.
September
15…………….Tefft Junior High School
22…………….Cub Scout Troop #101
29…………….Chicago Blind Academy
October
6……………..Spanish American War Vets
13…………….Crippled Children’s Home
20…………….Elgin Mental Hospital
27…………….Girl Scout Troop # 353
November
3………………Illinois Venereal Disease Clinic
10……………..Cicero Boys Choir
17……………..Korean Amputees
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December
9………………Wrigleyville Gay Boys Club
** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 – When playing polio patients, the Bears must not disconnect knee braces.
2 – When playing the Blind Academy, the Bears must not hide the football under their jerseys.
** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 – A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bears fans that have never seen this ) it is still worth 6 points.
2 – The Bears will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 – The Bears will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.
4 – The Bears will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 – The Bears will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.
** NAME CHANGE **
The Chicago Bears will be changed to the “Chicago Tampons” as they are only good for one period and have no second string.
** COACHING CHANGES **
Dave Wannstedt will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won’t choke on the big ones!!!
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Read all jokes from: Sport (+1016)
A cricket enthusiast died and went to hell. After a few days, the Devil came up to him and said, ‘What do you feel like doing today? You can have anything you like.’
‘Well,’ said the cricketer, I can’t think of nothing better than a game of cricket. Can we do that?’
‘Certainly,’ said the Devil, and off they went to get changed. They arrived at a beautiful pitch, and the batsman in his new gear took up a stance. Nothing happpened.
‘Come on then,’ he said to the Devil, ‘bowl the first ball.’
‘Ah, that’s the Hell of it,’ said the Devil. ‘We haven’t got any balls.’
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