Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”
That was the last thing he could remember.
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf . . . you know, golf . . . that’s the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, “Sure, you’ve got balls don’t you?”
“Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.”
“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off.”
“What’s tee off?”
“It’s a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”
“Not for me,” I said. “You can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I’ll tee off behind the barn somewhere.”
“No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger.”
“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”
“Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”
“You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”
“You do, you’re standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, “You’ve got a bag haven’t you?”
“Sure.”
“You’re balls are in it, aren’t they?”
“Of course,” I told him.
“Well, can’t you open your bag and take one out?”
“I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I am going to.”
“Don’t you have a zipper on your bag?”
“No, I am the old fashioned type.”
“Do you know how to hold your club?”
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, “You take your club in both hands . . . “
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn’t know what he was talking about.
Then he said, “Swing it over your shoulder . . .”
No, no, that’s not me at all. That’s my brother he’s talking about.
He asked, “How do your hold your club?”
And before I thought about it, I said, “With two fingers.”
He said that wasn’t right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn’t catch me there for nothing. I didn’t spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, “You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars. . .”
I could well imagine that.
“. . . and when you’re on the green . . .”
“What’s the green?”
“That’s where the hole is.”
“Sure you’re not color blind?”
“Then you take your putter in your hands. . .”
“What’s a putter?”
“That’s the smallest club made.”
“That’s what I got, a putter.”
“And with it, you put your ball into the hole.”
I corrected him, “You mean the putter.”
“No, the ball. The hole isn’t big enough for the ball and putter too.”
Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
“Then,” he said, “after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17.”
Well, he certainly wasn’t talking about me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.
“You mean you can’t make 18 holes in one day?”
“Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?”
“The flag will go up!”
Well, golfing is not for me.
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since you’re obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two’gotchas’.”
The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
“What happened?” asked one of the members. “Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing
up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
She: “Let me get this straight.The less I hit the ball, the better I am doing.”
He: “That’s right.”
She: “Then why hit it at all?”
The toughest part about this game is getting off the tee and into the hole.
As the man said,”I know I can play better than this; I just never have”.
In golf, you drive for show and putt for dough.
Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole.
If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out.
Real golfers don’t cry when they line up their fourth putt.
Golf is an easy game… it’s just hard to play.
In golf as in life, it’s the follow through that makes the difference.
Real golfers don’t miss putts, they get robbed.
Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting.
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Read all jokes from: Blonde (+4660), Golf (+379)
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?”
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” says the wife.
The husband replies, “I’m hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He would come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you dong?” she says.
The husband replies, “I’m still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“NO! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379)
A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!”
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Read all jokes from: Genie (+60), Golf (+379)
A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course. But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.
So the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reached the house they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They found an old man sitting in his rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.
He said, “I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle, and I would like to grant you 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.”
So the husband says “I want a private aircraft for myself.” The wife said she would like a house in every single country.
The genie says, “for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.”
The husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.
Then he asks the lady “How old is your husband?”
she replies “47″
and the genie says “And he still believes in genies?”
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