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During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

OJ Simpson is being held by police for his alleged involvement in a hotel room armed robbery to take back his memorabilia. Can you believe he’s had enough time to write a new book?
It’s titled “If I Did This 2″!

WOMEN’S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a bottle Perrier. Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE
Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000

NAMES
Up North: Doug Flutie
Down South: Dion Sanders

WEATHER
Up North: Snow and Ice.
Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male – pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Panthers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier

GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING
Up North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING
Up North: Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing changes.
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: “Nice play.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!”

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!”

AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer, planning begins for next week’s party.

Did you hear about Michael Vick’s new shoe endorsement deal?
He now endorses “Hush Puppies”!

Did you hear about Michael Vick’s new shoe endorsement deal?
He now endorses “Hush Puppies”!

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”

The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my dad is a mechanic.”

Then one little boy says, looking quite ashamed: “My name is Johnny and my father cleans toilets for a living.”

The teacher awkwardly and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad cleans toilets for a living, wanting to talk with him about his shame.

He blushed and said, “No, I’m sorry. My dad plays football for the Chicago Bears and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.

The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Why are you wearing a football jersey?”

She replied, “Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn’t I wear it?”

He said, “You’re not supposed to wear it unless you’ve made the team.”

“Oh,” she replied sweetly, “Who did I miss?”

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

Smith was watching a rugby test against the New Zealand All Blacks at the Sydney Football Stadium. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat – next to Smith.
“Who does that seat belong to?” asked his neighbour.
“It’s for my wife.”
“But why isn’t she here?”
“She died.”
“So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?”
“They’ve all gone to the funeral.”

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