The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.
The bartender said, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”
The guy begged him, “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.
With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender said, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?”
The owner replied, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 4 years.”
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team’s performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
* Denver Broncos – Denver Donkeys
* Kansas City Chiefs – Kansas City Griefs
* Los Angeles Raiders – Los Angeles Faders
* San Diego Chargers – San Diego Rechargers
* Seattle Seahawks – Seattle Weehawks
* Cincinnati Bengals – Cincinnati Plaingels
* Cleveland Browns – Cleveland Clowns
* Houston Oilers – Houston Spoilers
* Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh Reelers
* Buffalo Bills – Buffalo Nils or Buffalo Spills
* Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis Dolts
* Miami Dolphins – Miami Stallfins or Miami Soft Ones
* New England Patriots – New England Patsys
* New York Jets – New York Pets or New York Not Yets
* Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta Fellcons
* New Orleans Saints – New Orleans Aint’s
* Los Angeles Rams – Los Angeles Lambs
* San Francisco 49ers – San Francisco Whiners
* Chicago Bears – Chicago Fairs
* Detroit Lions – Detroit Cryin’s or Detroit Kittens
* Green Bay Packers – Green Bay Slackers
* Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota Tykes or Minnesota ViQueens
* Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
* Arizona Cardinals – Arizona Tardynals
* Dallas Cowboys – Dallas Cowgirls or Dallas Cowpie
* New York Giants – New York Midgets
* Philadelphia Eagles – Philadelphia Beagles
* Washington Redskins – Washington Deadskins
* Carolina Panthers – Carolina Can’t-thers
* Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville Saguars
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
OJ Simpson is being held by police for his alleged involvement in a hotel room armed robbery to take back his memorabilia. Can you believe he’s had enough time to write a new book?
It’s titled “If I Did This 2″!