A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Kelly has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Colts fan” she reports.
“Then,” asks the teacher,” What are you?”
“I’m a Chicago Bears fan,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan.
“Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I’m a Bears fan too,” she responds.
“That’s no reason,” the teacher says. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”
Kelly smiles and says, “Then I’d be a Colts fan.”
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here, asshole?”
Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain’t he-a fine?”
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy’s mother, the second boy’s mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, “Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain’t he-a wonderful?”
The third boy, hadn’t done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered…running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn’t stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain’t he-a the shits?”
OJ Simpson is being held by police for his alleged involvement in a hotel room armed robbery to take back his memorabilia. Can you believe he’s had enough time to write a new book?
It’s titled “If I Did This 2″!
What’s the difference between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Taliban?
The Taliban has a running game.
What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and Billy Graham have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”
How do you keep a Nebraska Cornhusker player out of your yard?
Put up goal posts.
Where do you go in Lincoln in case of a tornado?
Memorial Stadium – they never get a touchdown there.
Why doesn’t Omaha have a Div 1A football team?
Because then Lincoln would want one.
Why was Frank Solich upset when the Cornhusker playbook was stolen?
Because he hadn’t finished coloring it.
What’s the difference between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the College Championships?
The Nebraska Cornhuskers.
What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How can you tell when the Nebraska Cornhuskers are going to run the football?
Diedrich leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.