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A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.

The bartender said, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”

The guy begged him, “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.

With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender said, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?”

The owner replied, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 4 years.”

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here, asshole?”

Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here, asshole?”

There was a Brown’s fan, a Steelers fan, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.

The Steelers fan went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.

The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.

The Browns fan went next. They asked him if he had any last words.

“I think if you plug the chair in, it’ll work better.”



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