1. Take the batteries out of all of the remote controls.
2. As his pals arrive to watch the big game, disappear into your room and make yourself as frumpy-looking as possible, then return to the living room and complain loudly about all the housework you do, going into great detail, taking turns sitting next to each one of them.
3. Show a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially have him define the offside law for you, many times.
4. Plug in a boom box in the room and do your Dancerobics routine.
5. Decide it’s time to dust the house starting with a particularly good dusting of the television set right at kick-off.
6. Hold a womens’ rights rally.
7. Invite your mother over for the game.
8. Hide near the cable connection, unscrew it from the wall everytime you hear a tense moment.
9. Get a Martha Stewart Living magazine, sit in the room, and read the articles outloud.
10. Hide the beer and pretzels.
11. Come into the room every two minutes to complain about the television volume being too loud.
12. Invite all your friends over for a Pampered Chef party.
13. Root for the team your man has bet against.
14. Don some sweats and a ball cap, sit in the room with your man and his pals to watch the game… suck down the beer, scratch, burp, scream loudly everytime anything at all happens in the game.
15. It’s your night out with the girls… leave the kids home with him!
Coin Toss = Asking them out
Kickoff = Holding hands
1st Down = Kissing
2nd Down = Up the shirt
3rd Down = Down south
4th Down = Oral action
Touchdown = Shaggin’
Victory Dance = Smoking afterwards
Time Out = The guy needs more time/can’t get it up
Incompletion = Guy can’t get off
Interception = Someone walks in on the two of you
Offsides = Gay person/Gay action
Flag on the play = Unwanted Advances
Delay of game = Girl has her period
Hail Mary = Not sure the other one wants it, but you go for it anyway
Hike = Up the rear
Reverse = 69
Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
2pt. conversion = Multiple orgasms
Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
Face Mask = Guy pulls girl head down to blow him
Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load
Holding = Cuddling
Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night
Huddle = Multiple participants
Madden ’99 = Cybersex
Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex
Illegal use of the hands = Masturbation
Ball Hog = Slut
Onside Kick = Making up after a fight
Double Header = Two mates in the same night
Tight End = Virgin
Wide Receiver = Girl that’s loose
False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some
Fumble = Cheating (problem in the relationship)
Putting it through the uprights = Self explanatory
Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities
Double Coverage = Two condoms
Handoff = Handjob
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.
The bartender said, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”
The guy begged him, “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.
With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender said, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?”
The owner replied, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 4 years.”
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team’s performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
* Denver Broncos – Denver Donkeys
* Kansas City Chiefs – Kansas City Griefs
* Los Angeles Raiders – Los Angeles Faders
* San Diego Chargers – San Diego Rechargers
* Seattle Seahawks – Seattle Weehawks
* Cincinnati Bengals – Cincinnati Plaingels
* Cleveland Browns – Cleveland Clowns
* Houston Oilers – Houston Spoilers
* Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh Reelers
* Buffalo Bills – Buffalo Nils or Buffalo Spills
* Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis Dolts
* Miami Dolphins – Miami Stallfins or Miami Soft Ones
* New England Patriots – New England Patsys
* New York Jets – New York Pets or New York Not Yets
* Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta Fellcons
* New Orleans Saints – New Orleans Aint’s
* Los Angeles Rams – Los Angeles Lambs
* San Francisco 49ers – San Francisco Whiners
* Chicago Bears – Chicago Fairs
* Detroit Lions – Detroit Cryin’s or Detroit Kittens
* Green Bay Packers – Green Bay Slackers
* Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota Tykes or Minnesota ViQueens
* Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
* Arizona Cardinals – Arizona Tardynals
* Dallas Cowboys – Dallas Cowgirls or Dallas Cowpie
* New York Giants – New York Midgets
* Philadelphia Eagles – Philadelphia Beagles
* Washington Redskins – Washington Deadskins
* Carolina Panthers – Carolina Can’t-thers
* Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville Saguars