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It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here, asshole?”

The Chicago Bears 2000 schedule and changes.

September

15…………….Tefft Junior High School
22…………….Cub Scout Troop #101
29…………….Chicago Blind Academy

October
6……………..Spanish American War Vets
13…………….Crippled Children’s Home
20…………….Elgin Mental Hospital
27…………….Girl Scout Troop # 353

November

3………………Illinois Venereal Disease Clinic
10……………..Cicero Boys Choir
17……………..Korean Amputees

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME

December

9………………Wrigleyville Gay Boys Club

** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **

1 – When playing polio patients, the Bears must not disconnect knee braces.
2 – When playing the Blind Academy, the Bears must not hide the football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **

1 – A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bears fans that have never seen this ) it is still worth 6 points.
2 – The Bears will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 – The Bears will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.
4 – The Bears will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 – The Bears will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** NAME CHANGE **

The Chicago Bears will be changed to the “Chicago Tampons” as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

** COACHING CHANGES **

Dave Wannstedt will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won’t choke on the big ones!!!

A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Kelly has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Colts fan” she reports.

“Then,” asks the teacher,” What are you?”

“I’m a Chicago Bears fan,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan.

“Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I’m a Bears fan too,” she responds.

“That’s no reason,” the teacher says. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”

Kelly smiles and says, “Then I’d be a Colts fan.”

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here, asshole?”

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain’t he-a fine?”

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy’s mother, the second boy’s mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, “Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain’t he-a wonderful?”

The third boy, hadn’t done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered…running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn’t stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain’t he-a the shits?”



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