There was a Brown’s fan, a Steelers fan, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Steelers fan went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Browns fan went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
“I think if you plug the chair in, it’ll work better.”
A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Why are you wearing a football jersey?”
She replied, “Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn’t I wear it?”
He said, “You’re not supposed to wear it unless you’ve made the team.”
“Oh,” she replied sweetly, “Who did I miss?”
It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy says, looking quite ashamed: “My name is Johnny and my father cleans toilets for a living.”
The teacher awkwardly and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad cleans toilets for a living, wanting to talk with him about his shame.
He blushed and said, “No, I’m sorry. My dad plays football for the Chicago Bears and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”
A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the orphanage for a few weeks, he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The social worker asks him, “Well, do you want to go back and live with your father again?”
“No,” replies the boy. “He beats me.”
The social worker says, “Do you want to live with your mother?”
The boy says, “No, she beats me too.”
“Well, then,” asks the social worker, “Who do you want to live with?”
The boy answers, “The New Orleans Saints.”
The social worker is taken aback. “The Saints? Why do you want to live with the New Orleans Saints?”
“Because,” replies the boy, “They don’t beat anybody.”
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here, asshole?”