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Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a bottle Perrier. Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for.

Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000

Up North: Doug Flutie
Down South: Dion Sanders

Up North: Snow and Ice.
Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male – pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Panthers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

Up North: Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

Up North: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.

Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier

Up North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

Up North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

Up North: Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.

Up North: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.

Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

Up North: Nothing changes.
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer.

Up North: “Nice play.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!”

Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!”

Up North: The stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer, planning begins for next week’s party.

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team’s performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:

* Denver Broncos – Denver Donkeys
* Kansas City Chiefs – Kansas City Griefs
* Los Angeles Raiders – Los Angeles Faders
* San Diego Chargers – San Diego Rechargers
* Seattle Seahawks – Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

* Cincinnati Bengals – Cincinnati Plaingels
* Cleveland Browns – Cleveland Clowns
* Houston Oilers – Houston Spoilers
* Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:

* Buffalo Bills – Buffalo Nils or Buffalo Spills
* Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis Dolts
* Miami Dolphins – Miami Stallfins or Miami Soft Ones
* New England Patriots – New England Patsys
* New York Jets – New York Pets or New York Not Yets

NFC West:

* Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta Fellcons
* New Orleans Saints – New Orleans Aint’s
* Los Angeles Rams – Los Angeles Lambs
* San Francisco 49ers – San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:

* Chicago Bears – Chicago Fairs
* Detroit Lions – Detroit Cryin’s or Detroit Kittens
* Green Bay Packers – Green Bay Slackers
* Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota Tykes or Minnesota ViQueens
* Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:

* Arizona Cardinals – Arizona Tardynals
* Dallas Cowboys – Dallas Cowgirls or Dallas Cowpie
* New York Giants – New York Midgets
* Philadelphia Eagles – Philadelphia Beagles
* Washington Redskins – Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams:

* Carolina Panthers – Carolina Can’t-thers
* Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville Saguars

Bloke comes home from the bar drunk at 4am in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he tries to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and lets rip a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, “What in the world was that?”

He replies, “Touchdown, I’m up 7 nothing.”

She thinks to herself, “I’m gonna fix him.” Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, “What was that?”

She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”

Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.” He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”

© 2015