Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends? “Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!” Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.
Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in today’s day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
First Base – This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base – Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base – Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
Home Run – This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado…Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck – Having plans for a date
Strike-Out – Duh!!
Walk – Kissing
Bunt – Masturbation
Single – Tongue kissing
Double – Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
Triple – Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run – Oral Sex
Home Run – SEX!
Ground Rule Double – Would have sex, but no condom
Error – Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling – Sex without condom
Hall of Fame – Marriage
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
Balk – Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar – KY jelly
Relief pitcher – Vibrator
Rain Delay – Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats – Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch – Unusual positions
Rookie – Virgin
Minor Leagues – Under 18
Loaded Bases – Manages a trio
Grand Slam – Sex four times in twelve hours
Foul tip – VD
Three up and three down – Impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out…
11 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:
“I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
“Strike One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
“I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
“Strike Two!” he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
“I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
“Strike Three!”
“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world.
18 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.
Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
18 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
This is the new public relations director for the Chicago Cubs, and here is what he has to say…
“The Cubs are well on their way to winning the World Series this year. The Yankees, Red Sox, Braves and Angels do not stand a chance, the Cubs are superior and will defeat all the teams they play this year 25-0 and their record will be 162 and 0.
“The Cubs have the league’s best hitting, pitching, base running, coaching, stadium, hot dog stands, parking, ground crew, announcers, and sell out every home game.
“They will not only win the World Series but also the Superbowl, the NBA Championship, The Stanley Cup, and all Nascar and Indy car races.”
20 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
The ball had been knocked out of the stadium into the lane and everybody was out looking for it.
One of the players came across an old tramp, lying in the shade.
‘Excuse me’ said the Baseballer, ‘but have you seen a baseball?’
‘No, I haven’t,’ replied the tramp. ‘But I’ve brought one from home I could sell you!’
20 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4×4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Chicago Cubs baseball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing White Sox jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Cubs fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached the shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of south and north sides of Chicago, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which others could follow.”
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”
“That,” one answered, “that was the Holy Father, His Holiness the Pope, the head of the Roman Catholic Church and the spiritual leader of millions of faithful Christians around the world.”
“Well,” the harpooner replied, “He doesn’t seem to know diddley about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?”
34 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
‘That’s incredible!’ he exclaimed to the man next to him.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘but he’s a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.’
23 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move.”
“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, then what is?”
“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”
37 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends? “Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!” Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.
Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in today’s day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
First Base – This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base – Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base – Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
Home Run – This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado…Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck – Having plans for a date
Strike-Out – Duh!!
Walk – Kissing
Bunt – Masturbation
Single – Tongue kissing
Double – Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
Triple – Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run – Oral Sex
Home Run – SEX!
Ground Rule Double – Would have sex, but no condom
Error – Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling – Sex without condom
Hall of Fame – Marriage
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
Balk – Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar – KY jelly
Relief pitcher – Vibrator
Rain Delay – Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats – Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch – Unusual positions
Rookie – Virgin
Minor Leagues – Under 18
Loaded Bases – Manages a trio
Grand Slam – Sex four times in twelve hours
Foul tip – VD
Three up and three down – Impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out…
29 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be, here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented… Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented… Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams… Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley’s comet passed Earth… TWICE.
6. Harry Caray was born… and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon… as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. Eleven amendments were added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created… repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built… and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field’s roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style and went out… and came back in.
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games, and lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
Go Cubs!
42 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
|
