Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move.”
“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, then what is?”
“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
The ball had been knocked out of the stadium into the lane and everybody was out looking for it.
One of the players came across an old tramp, lying in the shade.
‘Excuse me’ said the Baseballer, ‘but have you seen a baseball?’
‘No, I haven’t,’ replied the tramp. ‘But I’ve brought one from home I could sell you!’
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be, here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented… Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented… Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams… Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley’s comet passed Earth… TWICE.
6. Harry Caray was born… and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon… as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. Eleven amendments were added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created… repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built… and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field’s roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style and went out… and came back in.
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games, and lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
Go Cubs!
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be, here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented… Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented… Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams… Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley’s comet passed Earth… TWICE.
6. Harry Caray was born… and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon… as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. Eleven amendments were added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created… repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built… and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field’s roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style and went out… and came back in.
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games, and lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
Go Cubs!
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!” A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!” The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!” All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man!”
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:
“I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
“Strike One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
“I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
“Strike Two!” he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
“I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
“Strike Three!”
“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world.
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, “Run…run!”
The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!”
A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya.”
The next batter’s count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!”
All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, “He didn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”
After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, “Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!”
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Read all jokes from: Baseball (+51)
This is the new public relations director for the Chicago Cubs, and here is what he has to say…
“The Cubs are well on their way to winning the World Series this year. The Yankees, Red Sox, Braves and Angels do not stand a chance, the Cubs are superior and will defeat all the teams they play this year 25-0 and their record will be 162 and 0.
“The Cubs have the league’s best hitting, pitching, base running, coaching, stadium, hot dog stands, parking, ground crew, announcers, and sell out every home game.
“They will not only win the World Series but also the Superbowl, the NBA Championship, The Stanley Cup, and all Nascar and Indy car races.”
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