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Hunting (+66)
Once there were three friends and they would boast to each other about their belonging and achievements.
Well things had deteriorated to such an extent that they would boast about anything among themselves.
“I went hunting once” said one of them. He paused for a while and said further “I could not find a single Tiger the whole day. I was returning back to my Camp, and guess what I saw a Tiger right in front of me glaring at me”.
“Then what happened”? enquired another eagerly.
What can happen? he replied and continued… I took my gun and aimed at the Tiger, just then I realised I had forgotten to load my gun. Then… asked his friend.
I pointed the gun and said slowly BANG and the Tiger died.
Another said I was also hunting Tiger in the forest like you. I couldn’t find any Tiger that day and when I was returning back I felt someone following me from the back, when I turned around the gun fell from my hand and the Tiger came very close to me sniffing.
What happened next?
I had the bullets in my breast pocket I only had to touch them… the Tiger died.
Third said.. I had an interview to attend and while I was travelling in the bus it had a puncture. Looking at my watch I had very little time in hand so I took a short-cut from the nearby zoological garden and guess what the first jump of mine made me land in the Tiger’s cage.
Then what happened… asked his friends.
I went through my pocket no gun no bullets just a folded paper with trembling hand I unfolded the paper the Tiger died…
Nonsense said his friends your paper has no relation with the hunting…
Why he replied… That was my GUN LICENCE.
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Sport (+1016)
A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
“I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”
One of the men immediately replies “No, you see that’s your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead.”
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Golf (+379)
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”
That was the last thing he could remember.
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Fishing (+24)
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the “Just Married” sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
“I know it’s none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren’t having sex with your new wife.”
“Oh, I couldn’t do that; she has gonorrhea.”
“Well, what about anal sex?”
“Couldn’t do that; she has diarrhea.”
“There is always oral sex.”
“Nope, she has pyorrhea.”
“Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?”
“That’s easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!”
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Golf (+379)
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf . . . you know, golf . . . that’s the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, “Sure, you’ve got balls don’t you?”
“Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.”
“Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off.”
“What’s tee off?”
“It’s a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.”
“Not for me,” I said. “You can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I’ll tee off behind the barn somewhere.”
“No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger.”
“Yeah, I’ve got one of those.”
“Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.”
“You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.”
“You do, you’re standing up when you put your ball on the tee.”
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, “You’ve got a bag haven’t you?”
“Sure.”
“You’re balls are in it, aren’t they?”
“Of course,” I told him.
“Well, can’t you open your bag and take one out?”
“I suppose I could, but I’ll be damned if I am going to.”
“Don’t you have a zipper on your bag?”
“No, I am the old fashioned type.”
“Do you know how to hold your club?”
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, “You take your club in both hands . . . “
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn’t know what he was talking about.
Then he said, “Swing it over your shoulder . . .”
No, no, that’s not me at all. That’s my brother he’s talking about.
He asked, “How do your hold your club?”
And before I thought about it, I said, “With two fingers.”
He said that wasn’t right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn’t catch me there for nothing. I didn’t spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, “You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars. . .”
I could well imagine that.
“. . . and when you’re on the green . . .”
“What’s the green?”
“That’s where the hole is.”
“Sure you’re not color blind?”
“Then you take your putter in your hands. . .”
“What’s a putter?”
“That’s the smallest club made.”
“That’s what I got, a putter.”
“And with it, you put your ball into the hole.”
I corrected him, “You mean the putter.”
“No, the ball. The hole isn’t big enough for the ball and putter too.”
Well, I’ve seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
“Then,” he said, “after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17.”
Well, he certainly wasn’t talking about me. After two holes I’m shot to hell.
“You mean you can’t make 18 holes in one day?”
“Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?”
“The flag will go up!”
Well, golfing is not for me.
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Football (+144)
Coin Toss = Asking them out
Kickoff = Holding hands
1st Down = Kissing
2nd Down = Up the shirt
3rd Down = Down south
4th Down = Oral action
Touchdown = Shaggin’
Victory Dance = Smoking afterwards
Time Out = The guy needs more time/can’t get it up
Incompletion = Guy can’t get off
Interception = Someone walks in on the two of you
Offsides = Gay person/Gay action
Flag on the play = Unwanted Advances
Delay of game = Girl has her period
Hail Mary = Not sure the other one wants it, but you go for it anyway
Hike = Up the rear
Reverse = 69
Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
2pt. conversion = Multiple orgasms
Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
Face Mask = Guy pulls girl head down to blow him
Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load
Holding = Cuddling
Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night
Huddle = Multiple participants
Madden ’99 = Cybersex
Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex
Illegal use of the hands = Masturbation
Ball Hog = Slut
Onside Kick = Making up after a fight
Double Header = Two mates in the same night
Tight End = Virgin
Wide Receiver = Girl that’s loose
False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some
Fumble = Cheating (problem in the relationship)
Putting it through the uprights = Self explanatory
Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities
Double Coverage = Two condoms
Handoff = Handjob
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Sport (+1016)
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
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