Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition
that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well,
this happened… but then they danced for the second song too. And
the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up
and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all
the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week,
the judge asked the best man what happened.
“Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and
kicked the bride between the legs.”
“That must have hurt,” said the judge.
“No kidding,” said the best man. “I broke three of my fingers.”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52), Marriage (+787), Sex (+4816)
A man walked up to a farmer’s house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer’s wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, “Get the hell away!”
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, “Yes!”
The man replied, “Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.”
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
So the elephant says to the naked man . . .
“You breathe through that little thing?”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
SCORPIO: Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That’s probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they’re a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn’t scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn’t get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
SAGITTARIUS: Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid’s arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
CAPRICORN: Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you’re horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
AQUARIUS: Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, “Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what.” Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
PISCES: Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you’re on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
ARIES: Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a “get up and go” attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.
TAURUS: Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they’re frequently on sale. Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they’ve made a decision, they’re almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you’re really horny.
GEMINI: Gemini’s are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they’re available through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don’t have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
CANCER: Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring “Breast Worship Rituals.” Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you’re not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom.
LEO: Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you’re ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you’re ready for a Leo condom.
VIRGO: Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you’re ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you’re ready for a Virgo condom.
LIBRA: Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: “I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.”
The female response was: “Well, spit it out. It isn’t yours!”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends?
“Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
second base!”
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
- First Base – This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
- Second Base – Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
- Third Bas e- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.
- Home Run – This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado…
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
- On Deck- Having plans for a date
- Strike-Out- Duh!!
- Walk- Kissing
- Bunt- Masturbation
- Single- Tongue kissing
- Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
- Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
- Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
- Home Run- SEX!
- Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
- Error- Condom breaks during sex
- Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
- Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
- Balk- Premature ejaculation
- Pine Tar- KY jelly
- Relief pitcher- Vibrator
- Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
- Box Seats- Waterbed
- Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
- Rookie- Virgin
- Minor Leagues- Under 18
- Loaded Bases- manage a trois
- Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
- Foul tip- VD
- Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.
I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America’s favorite pastime!
Rule 2.
Section3.
The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not specifically covered in the rules.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He’d
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
“Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”
“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid, either.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!
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