It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “hey
Sweetheart, how’d you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
“Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said “Look you little Reese’s
Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?” (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack,
you’re better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden… my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped… Baby Ruth!
…Admiral’s daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.
…Astronaut’s daughter, but she knew how to take off.
…Athlete’s daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
…Barman’s daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
…Blacksmith’s daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
…Bookbinder’s daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
…Bricklayer’s daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
…Butcher’s daughter, but there wasn’t much more she could loin.
…Cattleman’s daughter, but she couldn’t keep her calves together.
…Cave man’s daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
…Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.
…Clergyman’s daughter, but you couldn’t put anything pastor.
…Cobbler’s daughter, but she was built to last.
…Communist’s daughter, but all the boys got a share.
…Doctor’s daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
…Draftsman’s daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
…Electrician’s daughter, but she lit up half the town.
…Electrician’s daughter, but she had good connections.
…Farmer’s daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilize.
…Film Censor’s daughter, but she didn’t know when to cut it out.
…Fisherman’s daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
…Fishmonger’s daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
…Flag-wavers daughter, But she’d let her standards down for anyone.
…Florist’s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
…Fruit Vendor’s daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
…Gravedigger’s daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
…Insurance broker’s daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
…Jockey’s daughter, but all the horse manure.
…Lighthouse keeper’s daughter, but she never went out at night.
…Milkman’s daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
…Moonshiner’s daughter, but I love her still.
…Musician’s daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
…Optician’s daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.
…Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all
…Philanthropist’s daughter, but she kept giving things away.
…Photographer’s daughter, but she was really developed.
…Pitcher’s daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
…Plumber’s daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
…Professor’s daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
…Real Estate Agent’s daughter, but she gave a lot away.
…Road Worker’s daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
…Statistician’s daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
…Steelworker’s daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
…Telegrapher’s daughter, but she sure didit… didit… didit….
…Tree Feller’s daughter, but t’ree fellas were never enough for her.
…Undertaker’s daughter, but she knew how to lay a stiff.
…Vacuum Salesman’s daughter, but she knew how to suck!
…Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.
…Weatherman’s daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
…Woodcutter’s daughter, but you could hear her ring bark for miles.
A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he’s really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I’m really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!”
The guy there says, “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.”
“What’s a penguin?”
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “penguin.” Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he’s about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.
Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, “HEY! WHAT’S A PENGUIN?!?”
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here
has ever seen a ghost?” Most of the hands go up. “And how many of you have
had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands stay up.
“OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?” Three
hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd. “Gosh, that’s pretty
good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?” One hand
stays up. The speaker blinks. “Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve
actually had sexual contact with a ghost?” The guy with his hand up
suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said “goat’.”