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Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral sex does not count.

2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day it doesn’t count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn’t count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn’t count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “did I shave my legs for this,” it doesn’t count.

7. An old flame doesn’t count.

8. An ex-spouse doesn’t count. Refer to this as a “pity f*ck.”

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cybersex – no way! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet.”

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was fun right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn’t count. Refer back to “glorified masturbation”.

18. In a car doesn’t count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull ‘n pray method of birth control) doesn’t count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate).

22. An act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “being neighborly.”

24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count. This should be considered a “fuck friend.”

26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.”

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.”

Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?
A: Self-employed

Q: What is the definition of an overbite?
A: When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit.

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. “Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.

“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”

“You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.

“Sectional schmectional.” she bitterly retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”



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