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A friend went to see the movie “American Beauty” and was quite bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said, “I’m sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive.”

Her husband sighed and said, “All right, I’ll stop doing it.”

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

“Father, I am sinful.”

“Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.”

“Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend. It’s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house and nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.”

“That’s bad my boy. Fortunately you realize your mistake.”

“Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.”

“That’s not very good of you.”

“Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her. Nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.”

“Father? ……… Father?” suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

“Father? Where are you?”

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

“Father, why are you hiding here?”

“Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these key “signs.”

1. Woman won’t unlock car door for man. – Doesn’t engage in oral sex.

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. – No foreplay.

3. Can’t hail a cab. – Impotent.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. – Prefers virgins.

5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. – Is a virgin.

6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. – Compulsive Don Juan.

7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. – Compulsive Don Quixote.

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. – Compulsive Don Ho.

9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. – Will swallow.

10. Wants to go to a deli. – Won’t swallow.

11. Uses Sweet n’ Low. – Wearing falsies.

12. Takes too long deciding what to order. – Has trouble reaching orgasm.

13. Orders salad dressing on the side. – Will give you a hand job but will not go “all the way.”

14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.

15. Asks for extra rolls. – Will say she’s using birth control when when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue.

16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as “The lady will have…” – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.

17. Asks for “the usual” – Insists on missionary position only.

18. Asks what the specials are. – Will want you to use handcuffs.

19. Fills up on bread and crackers. – Premature ejaculator.

20. Doesn’t finish everything on plate. – Has already come.

21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. – Will make you sleep on wet spot.

22. Changes mind after ordering. – Will never call you.

23. Changes tables. – Nymphomaniac.

24. Drinks decaf. – Fakes orgasms (female).

25. Orders in French. – Fakes orgasms (male).

26. Sends food back. – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.

27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. – Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. – Wants a handjob.

29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. – Castrating bitch.

30. Wants to split dessert. – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.

31. Credit card is refused. – Low sperm count.

32. Undertips waiter. – Small penis.

33. Undertips parking valet. – Small penis.

34. Undertips cabbie. – Small penis.

35. Uses toothpick. – Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything.

36. Removable cassette player in car. – Pull outs repeatedly during sex.

37. Cellular phone in car. – Penile implant.

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: “How do you spell ‘dumb’?”

Darla says, “d-u-m-b, dumb.”

The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

She says, “Buckwheat is dumb.”

The teacher says, “Now spell ‘stupid’.”

Darla says, “s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.”

The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

Darla says, “Buckwheat is stupid.”

When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, “Buckwheat, spell dictate.”

Buckwheat stands and says, “d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.”

The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”

Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, “I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!”

Q: What do you call a man that marries another man?
A: A minister

© 2015