Uncle Jack and Aunty Mable
Fainted at the breakfast table.
Let this be an awful warning…
Not to do it in the morning.
Ovaltine has put them right,
Now they do it morn and night.
Uncle Jack is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.
Hark the herald angels sing,
Ovaltine is a damned good thing!
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on
her breath. He says, “I’m going to have to give you the breathalyzer test
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blows up the
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, “It looks like you’ve had a
couple of stiff ones.” She replies “You mean it shows that, too?”
Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
“I entertained a cowboy last night,” says the first.
“How did you know he was a cowboy?” asks the second.
“Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.”
“Sounds like a cowboy, all right,” the others say.
“I entertained a lawyer,” announces the second. “I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.”
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
“I had a dirt farmer for a client,” comments the third.
“How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?” she is asked.
“First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.”
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband’s lawyer rose to his feet and
coolly replied, “Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.
A big bouncer says, “Hey, you! Move it or I’ll give you a foot up the ass!”
The gay man looks around and says, “I think you’re bragging, but I’m game if you are.”