Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, “We’re Catholic so we can’t birth control.”
The next woman says, “I am too, but we use the rhythm method.”
The third woman says, “We use the bucket and saucer method.”
“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?” the others ask.
“Well, I’m five foot eleven…and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.”
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly.
“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed. “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.”
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go
to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to
him, “So, tell me, how was it?”
“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we – ”
His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, “Do you want to see a magic trick?”
Second guy says, “Sure.”
“OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees.”
Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.
“There,” says the first one, “… does that feel like you’ve got a thumb up your ass?”
The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, “Magic!”
A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus
The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
and starts playing the guitar.The octopus’ owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn,
loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been
watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”
The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”
The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”
After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband “Was
making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?”
“Yes, she’s dead to!”"Was making love to me really the same as making
love to Marilyn Monroe?”
“Yes, she’s dead to!”
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon”
The Italian says, “We have the Colosseum”
The Greek says “We had great Mathematicians”
The Italian says “We had the Roman Empire”
… and so on and so on and then the Greek says: “We invented sex”
The Italian says “That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women.”
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
(You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend.
(Who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)
5. I don’t date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me.
(It’s not me, it’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate.
(I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
“My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis,” mumbles an angry
biker to one of his buddies.
“No,” says the friend, “people don’t die of syphilis anymore.”
The angry biker replies, “They do when they give it to me!”
Just after Lorena Bobbitt brutally cut off her husbands penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again.
Meanwhile 2 Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle.
Stunned but still quiet the 2 Canadians drove on. About 3 miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said, “Man, did you see the size of the dick on that mosquito?”