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Q: What’s the difference between “ooh” and “aah?”

A: About three inches.

Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald’s?
A: Because it’s always exactly the same and afterwards you swear you’ll never do it again.

Q: What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?
A: Fill his water bed with gasoline.

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, “Where are you flying to today?”

She responds, “To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” His mind reeling, he asks, “And what do you do at this meeting?”

“Well,” she says, “We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“And what myths are those?” he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers.”

“Very interesting…” the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know you! What is your name?”

The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto……..Tonto Goldstein.”

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love,” came the reply.
The old man responded, “I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”



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