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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do
you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or
breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing
now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place.”

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts “Theme Party-Come as a Human Emotion.”

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives. He opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?”

The guy says, “I’m green with envy.”

The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather bow wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?”

And she replies, “I’m tickled pink.”

The host says, “I love it! Come on in and join the party.”

A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, “Guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?”

The first guy replies, “Well, I’m fuckin’ dis custid, and my friend here has come in dispair.”

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:

“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:

“RETURNED UNOPENED”

Q: What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite!

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle- lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.

“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that will that stop them?”

“Should do,” said the vet, “IT STOPPED ME!”

There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement
home. The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have sex
with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have sex
with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room,
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll
never forget.”

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, “So, you want the
romantic night in my room, eh?”

The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the
husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year
old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son’s room
and says “Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with
mademoiselle Ginette ?” “Oh yes papa, I remember very well” says the son.
“Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same
thing”

So the elephant says to the naked man . . .
“You breathe through that little thing?”

A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman couldn’t believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn’t believe that such a rude person existed.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.

The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?”

The man replied, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma’am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The woman then said, “Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?”

The man looked at her, grinned and said, “Pepper, of course.”

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

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