There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, “What’s going on here? You keep saying, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit.”
“Well,” says the guy, “My friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?”
“He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we’re picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!! We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!! I just know we’re gonna die!! So I turn to him and say …”Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!!”
“DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!” ….. (SPIT)
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!”
A little boy and girl at school having lunch in the shelter shed.
“Tommy,” she said, “I’m not eating any more chicken sandwiches.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Cause I’m starting to grow feathers down here,” she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
“I don’t believe you!” he said. “You’ll have to show me.”
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
“Gee, you’re right,” he said. “I’ve been eating a lot of chicken, perhaps I’m getting feathers too.”
“Well, I’d better have a look,” she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, “Oh, I think it’s too late for you, you’ve got the neck and giblets too!”
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say “Hi there little boy!”
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: “well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be… it is just a joke!”
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI THERE LADIES!
Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady’s whispered to the other. “Martha, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!”
“Oh my lord! Well, let’s just leave, Agnes,” her friend replied with disgust.
“I can’t,” said the other. “He’s using my hand.”