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Q: What do you get with a corduroy condom?

A: A groovy kind of love.

Q: What do lesbians do after an argument?
A: They go home and lick each others wounds.

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral sex does not count.

2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day it doesn’t count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn’t count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn’t count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “did I shave my legs for this,” it doesn’t count.

7. An old flame doesn’t count.

8. An ex-spouse doesn’t count. Refer to this as a “pity f*ck.”

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cybersex – no way! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet.”

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was fun right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn’t count. Refer back to “glorified masturbation”.

18. In a car doesn’t count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull ‘n pray method of birth control) doesn’t count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate).

22. An act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “being neighborly.”

24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count. This should be considered a “fuck friend.”

26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!

Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So feminists wouldn’t breed.

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success.

“I don’t date servicemen,” she said, “but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants.”

“Why, that’s because we have two dicks,” the sailor replied.

“Interesting, probably twice as much fun,” replied the blonde, “let’s go to my place and try them out.”

So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says, “Boy, that was sure nice. Now that I’m rested and still horny, I want the other one.”

Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared, “Well, I’ll be damned! He’s pouting because he wasn’t FIRST!”

Q: How do faggots get a condom off?

A: They fart.

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