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Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, “Wow,
Which woke Ed.
“What’s going on?” said Ed.
“I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife.” said Ted.
“How come?” said Ed.
“To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I’ve ever had in my
life!” said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?” said Ted.
“Because that’s my dick you’re holding,” said Ed.

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!

C is for Call ya later. She won’t. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I’m not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.

J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M is for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top… she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.

R is for Rich little bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun. S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for Torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and handcuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that f*cking bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine, not the activity.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?

Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep…

. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

* The Absolut Vodka penis: It’s absolut’ perfection.

* The Alkaseltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz… Oh, what a relief it is…

* The All-State penis: You’re in good hands.

* The American Express penis: Don’t leave home without it.

* The AOL penis: It’s so easy to use, no wonder it’s #1?

* The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.

* The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.

* The Barney penis: It says “I love you!”

* The Beatles penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.

* The Beavis penis: Look! it’s changing color!

* The Beef penis: It’s what’s for dinner.

* The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead flick my bic!

* The Big Red penis: It’s longer with big red.

* The Borden penis: It’s GOT to be good.

* The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.

* The Budweiser penis: This bud’s for you!

* The Burger King penis: Have it your way..

* The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm…

* The California Lotto penis: Who’s next?

* The Calloway Putter penis: It will improve your stroke.

* The Cambells soup penis: Mmm mmm good!

* The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!

* The Champion penis: The official penis of the ’96 U.S.A olympic team.

* The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.

* The Chevy penis: Like a rock.

* The Chips Ahoy penis: Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)

* The Cinnamon Toast Crunch penis: Its the adult thing to do.

* The Citibank visa penis: It’s everywhere you want to be.

* The CNN Sports Illustrated penis: As interactive as you can get without getting bruised.

* The Cobain penis: It blows itself away.

* The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.

* The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.

* The Dairy Queen penis: Hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)

* The Dial penis: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

* The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.

* The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it…

* The Dodge Neon penis: There’s a “lot more to love!”

* The Domino’s Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!

* The Doublemint penis: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

* The Doublemint penis: Chewing really satisfies.

* The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going…

* The Erricson Cell Phone penis: Whip out your little one.

* The Equal penis: Tastes like Sugar.

* The Excedrin penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.

* The Extra penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time!

* The Flintstone’s Vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing!

* The Ford penis: The best never rest.

* The Franks Red Hot Sauce penis: It’s the oooh without the ouch.

* The Frosted Flakes penis: They’re GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!

* The Fruit-by-the Foot penis: Need I say more?

* The FTD penis: Some of life’s best moments come FTD.

* The General Electric penis: We bring good things to life!

* The Generic penis: One size fits all.

* The George of the Jungle penis: Watch out for that….tree?

* The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.

* The GMC Envoy penis: It’s the real mcCoy.

* The GMC Yukon penis: Beautifully designed. Powerfully built. Genetically engineered.

* The Hardees Breakfast penis: Rise and shine.

* The Helene Zinn penis: You can’t eat that!!!

* The Insinkerator Disposal penis: The choice of 9 out of 10 professionals.

* The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle…

* The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.

* The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: Self-explanatory

* The Juicy Fruit penis: The taste is gonna move ya.

* The Just For Men penis: A sure thing for a natural look.

* The Kix penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

* The Knick Knack Patty Wack penis: This old man comes rolling home!!

* The Lays penis: Betcha can’t eat just one!

* The Life penis: Mikey likes it.

* The Life Call penis: It’s fallen and it can’t get up.

* The Little Caesar’s penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!

* The Lucky Charms penis: They’re magically delicious!

* The Luv’s penis: It’ll take a load off your mind.

* The Macintosh penis: It does more,it costs less,it’s that simple.

* The Magnavox penis: Smart. Very Smart.

* The McDonald’s penis: Over 8 billion served.

* The McDonald’s penis: Have you had your break today?

*The MCI penis: For friends and family!

* The Men’s Healthy Magazine penis: It’s a perfect fit.

* The MicroMachines penis: A whole world, in the palm your hand.

* The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?

* The Milk penis: It does a body good!

* The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.

* The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!

* The Monty Python penis II: “Every sperm is sacred….”

* The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.

* The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?

* The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey – you never know.

* The Newport penis: It’s alive with pleasure.

* The Nike penis: Just do it.

* The Nintendo penis: Now you’re playing with power.

* The Nuprin penis: Little, Yellow, Different.

* The Nyquil penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny nose, itching, burning, so you can’t rest penis.

* The Oasics Running Shoe penis: There’s one less excuse to skip a day.

* The Payday penis: Its almost totally nuts!

* The Phillips MOM penis: It’s always stimulant free.

* The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.

* The Pizza Hut penis: Makin’ it great.

* The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!

* The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.

* The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into “Post Selects” fits.

* The Power of Cheese penis: Just saying it is enough to make you smile.

* The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can’t stop…

* The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..

* The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.

* The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.

* The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.

* The Reese’s penis: How do you eat your penis?

* The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?

* The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.

* The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.

* The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom…

* The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!

* The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.

* The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

* The Sega penis: PENIS!

* The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up…

* The Slim Fast penis: Helps you loose weight, makes you feel great.

* The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.

* The Speed Stick Ultimate penis: It kills 99% of odor-causing germs for 24 hours.

* The Springmaid penis: Makes you snore like a lady.

* The Sprite penis: Image is nothing… Taste is everything.

* The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!

* The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

* The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis: You can put it where the sun don’t shine.

* The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!

* The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat !

* The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on…….

* The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?

* The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take …?

* The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!

* The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.

* The Transformers penis: It’s more than meets the eye.

* The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.

* The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.

* The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.

* The Virginia Slims penis: You’ve come a long way, baby!

* The Wendy’s penis: Where’s the beef?

* The Wendy’s penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.

* The Wizard of Oz penis: “Oh my!”

* The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her
husband, “you know, You’re really a lousy lover!”

Her husband replies, “How would you know after only 30 seconds?”

© 2015