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Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl’s destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

A woman is a lot like a box of KFC, you start off with two juicy breasts and a couple of tender thighs, and when you’re finished all you’re left with is a greasy box.

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. “Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.”

“Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!”

“Not so,” replied the other captain. “After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!”

“You sick bastard,” replied the cop. “Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?”

“Sure,” said the captain. “What about ‘em?!”

“Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

* An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in abrothel.

* An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think, if you think at all.

* An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there’s a natural disaster.

* An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

* An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

* The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

* An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

* Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.

* An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

* Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

* An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know.

* Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

* An older woman will never accuse you of “using her.” She’s using you.

* Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

* Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

* An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas.

* Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

* Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

* Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

* An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

* Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

* Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

* An older woman has lots of girlfriends and most of them will want to boff you too.

* An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

* An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.

5. It’s perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won’t get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds — do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won’t feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won’t lead to any embarrassing situations later on.

12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won’t keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being “in the mood” to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.

19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.



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