It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he now,” said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact,” said the old nun even more evenly.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, “Who’s in your upstairs room?”
The elderly man replies, “I can’t see how it’s any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs.”
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, “Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!”
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, “So … how was I?”
“Well,” she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic.
They decided to walk together in this lock- step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.
Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.
There were 2 old-maid sisters… both virgins. It’s Friday night
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, “I’m not going to die a
virgin… I’m going out and I’m not coming home ’til I’ve been
Betty says, “Well, make sure you’re home by 10 so I don’t
worry about you.”
10 o’clock rolls around and there’s no sign of Gladys… 11
o’clock… 12 o’clock…
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys… straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, “Are you okay, Gladys??”
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck
between her legs looking at herself.
“What is it, Gladys??? What’s wrong?” asks Betty.
“Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in… and 5 when it
came out. When I find the other half you’re gonna have the
time of your life!!!”