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A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their
wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new
groom, “Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.” The startled groom says “How can
that be? You’ve been married twice… ”

The bride responds… “Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a
psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath,
she says “My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do
was… Oh God, I miss him!”

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “Oh, it’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke.”
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
“Okay”, she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?”
She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, “Luke?”
Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?”
Jed says, “You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not”.
“Me, neither,” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off.”

What to do if you think you, or someone you love, has a vagina? Having a vagina can be an absolutely frightening experience. Vagina effects all people and it doesn’t discriminate. Whether you’re black, white, Asian, young, old, rich, poor, or even Korean, you may already be inflicted with vagina. We at the Vagina Research Institute have spoke with several vagina’ed individuals and would like to share their advice in hopes to serve the vaginally ignorant. Here are some common questions that people with vagina have:

Will my vagina make me die?

More than likely, yes. While the purpose of the vagina is still unknown, it is a well documented fact that 100% of those inflicted with vagina, have their lives ended with death.

Why does my vagina bleed every month?

Well there are 2 schools of thought about the blood issue; 1st being that the vagina gets routinely sick of it’s own smell and has developed internal ulcers that tend to bleed every month. 2nd school of thought comes from the religious right, and claims that vagina is a result of the devil and one of the devil’s promises to Jesus Christ was that he would, among other things, ruin all the white jeans of everyone in the world. This is reportedly claimed in the bible, however this cannot be confirmed because no one has yet read the bible.

My car keys keep slipping out of my vagina. Any recommendations?

Quite often, people with vagina use it to keep their keys and identification card when they go out bar hopping. If your keys continue to slip out of the vaginal opening, get one of those sharp bottle opener / keychain things and, using slight force, dig a groove into the inner wall of your vagina so they can be hung there like a hat rack. And, depending on the size of your vagina, you can also use the same method to sneak your beers out of the bar.

What is likely to be found in a vagina?

I’m glad you asked. Vaginas on the whole seem to cling to those members of our society who can be construed as moody, arrogant and even downright hard to get along with. The current state of thought on the contents of the vagina tends to lead toward a bacteria that seems to tax one’s common sense quite thoroughly. Researchers seem to think that vaginas may contain an undiscovered enzyme that attacks one’s more cerebral or ‘rational’ traits and leans the individual toward irrational thinking.

Case in point: A vagina researcher once discovered that his roommate was a victim of vagina. The vagina’ed individual seemed to be relentless in her pursuit of control of the researcher, despite repeated attempts to explain that much of this asserted control was in areas in no way connected to the vagina’ed person. Eventually the vagina’ed person found a more tolerant and gullible person to take advantage of and escaped the researcher’s quarters. But this episode taught us quite a bit, and we will one day learn more once we are able to hold another vaginoid in captivity.

If you suspect that you have a vagina or have any questions about your vagina, let us know! Call 1-800-VAG-INAS. Operators standing by on 24-hour call.

Through the kitchen window a farmer’s wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, “I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you’ll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.”
Just at that moment, the boy’s father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, “Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?”

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how
much it would cost to repair the condom.
The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he
could sell the private a new one.
The private said, “Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in
two hours with an answer.”
Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
“The regiment has voted to replace.”

© 2015