A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!
C is for Call ya later. She won’t. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I’m not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.
J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M is for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top… she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.
R is for Rich little bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun. S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.
T is for Torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and handcuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that f*cking bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine, not the activity.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.
Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?
Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep…
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.
* The Absolut Vodka penis: It’s absolut’ perfection.
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*The MCI penis: For friends and family!
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* The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
* The Monty Python penis II: “Every sperm is sacred….”
* The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.
* The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?
* The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey – you never know.
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* The Nike penis: Just do it.
* The Nintendo penis: Now you’re playing with power.
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* The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.
* The Pizza Hut penis: Makin’ it great.
* The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!
* The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.
* The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into “Post Selects” fits.
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* The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can’t stop…
* The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..
* The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.
* The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
* The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.
* The Reese’s penis: How do you eat your penis?
* The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
* The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
* The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
* The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom…
* The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!
* The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
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* The Sega penis: PENIS!
* The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up…
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* The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.
* The Speed Stick Ultimate penis: It kills 99% of odor-causing germs for 24 hours.
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* The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!
* The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
* The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis: You can put it where the sun don’t shine.
* The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!
* The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat !
* The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on…….
* The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?
* The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take …?
* The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!
* The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.
* The Transformers penis: It’s more than meets the eye.
* The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.
* The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.
* The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.
* The Virginia Slims penis: You’ve come a long way, baby!
* The Wendy’s penis: Where’s the beef?
* The Wendy’s penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.
* The Wizard of Oz penis: “Oh my!”
* The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.