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A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
“Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and
told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said
that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.”
“BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was
Gabriel’s trumpet and I have been blowing it.”

Through the kitchen window a farmer’s wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, “I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you’ll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.”
Just at that moment, the boy’s father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, “Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?”

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one
Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible
hand when she notices the time.

“Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to
be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her
friend’s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling
up.

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then
she realizes he is loving it! “Mmmm, darling, this is the best
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and
they are all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your
chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being
so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass.”

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future
wife he uttered the now famous words:

“Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you.”

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?”
The big guy says, “I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.”
His friend says, “You know, that don’t sound too bad.”
The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.”



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