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A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes
to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and
takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but
in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf
bag and looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the
way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically
ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”

* I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.

* I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

* I have to floss my pets.

* I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.

* I want to spend more time with my blender.

* I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

* I’m building a pig from a kit.

* I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

* I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

* I’m getting my overalls overhauled.

* I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

* I’m staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.

* I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.

* I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

* I’ve got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.

* It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.

* My patent is pending.

* The nice man on television told me to stay tuned.

In the days of Yore, long gone by, at the time of Camelot, there were many brave Knights, but the bravest of them all was Sir Lancelot. Sir Lancelot was the bravest of the brave, goodest of the good and purest of the pure.

One day Sir Lancelot set out from Camelot on his trusty charger, his quest as ever, to slay dragons, rescue maidens and hopefully turn up the Holy Grail on the way. Resplendent in his shiny armor he set forth, brave, good and pure.

However on this day, events took a decidedly strange twist, as out of nowhere a strange anomaly of time and space appeared, and before Sir Lancelot could rein in his horse, they plummeted through the vortex and were hurled many years through time and many miles through space, until finally … they landed in present day San Francisco.

Slightly disorientated and completely naked (the anomaly did not transport non living tissue or in-organic substances), Sir Lancelot surveyed the new world that he had been thrust upon. His nakedness did not trouble him, for in his mind he was clad in the raiment of Goodness and Purity. Just then he spied what he thought must be an Inn of some form named “The Fudge Packer.”

He entered this strange hostelry and noticed men clad in all manner of weird apparel. He believe that he saw women also, but on closer inspection, they turned out to be men as well, dressed in female clothing.

Alas, Sir Lancelot did not watch where he was treading and his foot slid through a large strawberry daiquiri slick. He somersaulted into the air before landing on his head, knocking himself unconscious, draped face down over a chair and … a Good Knight was had by everyone!

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride’s toast and coffee, she said,
“Honey, I don’t understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you’ve encountered a buzz saw.”
“That guy,” said the bride, “double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!”

SOCIAL SECURITY No:_____________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_________________________
HOME PHONE No.:_________________________
MALE:_____________ FEMALE:______________
OFFICE PHONE No.:________________________

Male – Female
Female – Female
Male – Male
All of the Above
None of the Above – Please Specify:_____________________


Salutatory Greeting: ____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ____________________
Eye-to-Bust Contact: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
Ear: __________________________
Other: ________________________

Hands on body: ________________________
Shoulder: ______________________
Waist: ________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
Other: __________________________
Feelies: __________________________________
Gropies: __________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ___________________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ___________________________


1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products, appliances, etc. to be used during sexual harassment.

2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of sustaining apparatus.

3. Clean up.


Anyone: _________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ___________________________________

SIGNATURE: ____________________________

This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to performance rating and evaluation.

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