There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, “Don’t you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?”
While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says “I can, I can”
The teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla… ”
Darla replies… “D-U-M-B”
The teacher replies, “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?”
Darla replies, “Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB.”
The teacher replies, “OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?”
Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla.”
Darla replies, “S-T-U-P-I-D”
The teacher replies “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?”
Darla replies, “Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID.”
The teacher replies, “OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?”
No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell
the word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, “Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E”
The teacher replies, “very good Buckwheat,” and “can you use that word
in a sentence?”
Buckwheat replies, “Sure I can.”
“I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good.”
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”
Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon.
While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up
by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish
his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down
the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow
to help. After feeling the old man’s pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the
club house and call 911.
Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the
call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby
bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith
in astonishment says, “Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to
give him CPR.” Mike replies, “Well, it started off that way.”
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Does your wife ever… well, you know… does she… well, let
you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.
“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s into the dog trick
aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”
“Well… not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead.”
Three hookers of varying ages were standing around, discussing their profession. The middle aged one said: “So, how’s business?”
“Awful!” replied the young one. “All anybody wants is blow jobs!”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the mid-lifer. “It’s easy work, a quick turn over, and you can make more money that way.”
“That’s just the problem,” exclaimed the young lady, “I can’t get more than $20.00 for a blow job! How can I make any money that way?”
“Oh,” she replied, shrugging, “that’s nothing. When I started working, we only got $10.00 for a blow job!”
At this point the old hooker chimed in. “You kids have it so easy! Why, back in my day, we had to give blow jobs for free! And we were glad to get something warm in our bellies, too!”
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: “I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.”
The female response was: “Well, spit it out. It isn’t yours!”
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said,
“Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?”
“Why Yes, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.
Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the
finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at
Marie said, “Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?”
“Oh, no, John, “said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
“Hey, Marie,” said John, “Would you like a smoke?”
“Oh, no, John,” said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car
and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He’d
struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
“Hey, Marie,” said John, “how would you like to stop at this motel with
“Sure, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.
Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and
checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in
“What have I done? What have I done?” thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. “Marie, I’ve got to ask you one thing,
said John. “What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”
Marie said, “The same thing I always tell them… You don’t have
to smoke and drink to have a good time.
Two nuns decide they’re going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they’ve finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent’s grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they’re crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, “I feel like a marine.”
The second replies, “Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?”
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He’d
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
“Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”
“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid, either.”