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The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red.

Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, “Let’s get out of here. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a woman who’s a tease.”

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local
bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear
about his wedding night.
Jake says, “Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up
the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so’s
me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of
my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her.”
The bartender says, “Why did it take three sons to get you off?”
Jake says, “I fought ‘em.”

Susie was desperate for her new husband to go down on her. After everything from subtle innuendo to outright begging had failed, she finally resorted to trickery.

“Honey,” she called breathily from the bedroom one night, “Can you help me a sec? I’ve got a tampon stuck inside me. I’m sure you can get it out if you use your teeth.”

Disgusted, the husband pulled the diamond engagement right off her finger and pushed it way up inside her.

“Owwww!” yelped the young bride. “What did you do that for?”

“You really expect me to go poking around down there,” snarled her husband, “for a lousy tampon?

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, “I take the next turn, right?”

“No way, get your own,” said the groom, “this one’s all mine.”

Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A: Sperm is handmade.

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