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The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

“Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.”

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t do it again.”

The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.”

Chuck’s face lit up. “Ms Jones?! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!”

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
road when they
saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
One of the men
turned to the other and said, “I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night
with her.” To their
surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, “I’ll
take you up on
that.” She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
companion ‘good
night’, he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
to bed. The following
morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
money.”If you
don’t give me the remaining $25 I’ll sue you for it.” He laughed,
saying, “I’d like to see
you get it on those grounds!” The next day,he was surprised to receive
a summons
ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
to his atorney and
explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, “She can’t
possibly get a judgment
against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
case will be
presented.” After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
court as follows:-
Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
property, a garden spot
surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
rent to the Defendant
for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
Defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
which it was rented, but
upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
amount. The rent was by
no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
Judgment be
granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
Defendant’s lawyer was
impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
His defense was,
therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
present it.
Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
property,that he did rent
such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
his stones,
erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
personally. We claim
these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
unpaid amount and that the
plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
rental of the said
property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
The young lady’s lawyer’s comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
agrees that the
Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
improvements such as my
opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
existed, he would
not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
Defendant removed
his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
doing, he not only
dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
the cleaning up, but
he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
making it very easily
accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be
granted.
SHE GOT IT!

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there
came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away
at once, eyes wide with alarm.
“Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.”
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,
then demurred. “I can’t,” he said, “we’re on the thirteenth floor.”
“For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation,
“is this a time to be superstitious?”

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love!’” “Beeeep!”

“Uh, yeah.. this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!”

While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says “I can, I can”
The teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla… ”
Darla replies… “D-U-M-B”
The teacher replies, “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?”
Darla replies, “Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB.”
The teacher replies, “OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?”
Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla.”
Darla replies, “S-T-U-P-I-D”
The teacher replies “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?”
Darla replies, “Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID.”
The teacher replies, “OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?”
No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell
the word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, “Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E”
The teacher replies, “very good Buckwheat,” and “can you use that word
in a sentence?”
Buckwheat replies, “Sure I can.”
“I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good.”

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and
asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, ” My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thinks: ” What does a priest know about sex?” So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question,
then states, ” My son, sex is definitely play.”

The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?”

The Rabbi softly speaks, “If sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it.”

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.”

“Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s ‘love canal’. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his ‘love pole’. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios… “

Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They’re both filled with stiffs, only one’s coming and one’s going!

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, “Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle.”

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn’t play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn’t. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis.”

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn’t know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex.”

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus,when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers. The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,you’ve fiddled, you’ve farted, you’ve screwed around, and now you’ve missed your bus.”

Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!

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