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The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to call the cops!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss, that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”

“Oh really,” she said. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”

Q: Did you hear that Rock Hudson was thinking about buying a cookie franchise?
A: He was going to call it Famous Anus.

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, “We’re Catholic so we can’t birth control.”

The next woman says, “I am too, but we use the rhythm method.”

The third woman says, “We use the bucket and saucer method.”

“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?” the others ask.

“Well, I’m five foot eleven…and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.”

Ask any man and he will tell you that any woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Doctor Goldstein and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the doctor and says “Hi Sammy.”
The wife, somewhat irritated, asks, “And who is that?”
The doctor says, “That’s my mistress.”
The wife asks, “You have a mistress? How long has this been going on?”
The doctor says, “About five years.”
The wife says, “Five years? I’ll see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. You’ll be ruined.”
The doctor replies, “Now think about it. If we divorce we each get half of what we have. You won’t have that big house, you won’t get a new Cadillac every year and you won’t be playing golf and bridge all day with your so-called friends.”
Just then a cute redhead walks by and says “Hi Sammy.”
The wife asks, “And who is that one?”
The doctor says, “That’s Bill Grant’s mistress.”
The wife says, “Doctor Grant has a mistress too?”
The doctor says, “About twelve years now.”
The wife says, “Ours is a lot prettier.”

© 2015