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My sex life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to
come down to earth
to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great
shape and they went
to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech
impediment, but this
didn’t affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long
then in the morning
Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name,
so he said to her, “I’m
Mighty Thor and I have to leave now.” She looked at him and said,
“You’re thore I’m tho
thore I can hardly pith.”

Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

You’re not sure of:

THE DOCTOR because he says, “Take off your clothes.”

THE DENTIST because he says, “Open wide.”

THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown?”

THE MILKMAN because he says, “Do you want it in the front or the back?”

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, “Once it’s in, you’ll love it.”

THE STOCK BROKER because he says, “It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again.”

THE BANKER because he says, “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.”

THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

THE BELL ATLANTIC GUY because he says, “Would you like it on the table or against the wall?”

Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A: Goes-in-tight!

So one sperm says to the other “When do we get to the ovaries?”
The other replies “Ovaries! We’re not even past the throat yet!”

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived, he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, “Oh yuck!!” she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked, “What they don’t use those things where you come from?”

“Yeah,” she said “But we don’t skin ‘em!”

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, “What’s the matter, baby?”

Pinocchio’s girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, “You’re probably the best guy I’ve ever met, but every time we make love, you give me splinters.”

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to “smooth” out Pinocchio’s relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio’s problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, “So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls.”

To which Pinocchio replied, “GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???”

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new
Viagra?”

Grandpa looks at him and says “No Johnny, I will not.”

“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.

“Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you
have no one worth writing to.”

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. “On what grounds ?” questioned the Judge, “This
court does not take annulments lightly.”

“Non-virginity,” replied the quarterback, “When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver.”

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