John pulled over the car by the side of the road and
showed Brian where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,”
“That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.
“Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was
standing right there watching us.”
“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?”
A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won. A young reporter walked up to him and said,
“Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies. I even heard that you kissed a parakeet.”
The Mayor replied, “That’s right young man. I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet … I kissed a Cock-or-two.”
A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely
active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses,
masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time.
The doctor asked which he liked best.
He Replied, ” Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of
people in them.”
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,
to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you
look so depressed.
She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me… six
dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I’m going to have to
spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.
Now that’s really silly, why don’t you use a vase?
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”
The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up!’”
This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn’t know what
to do. He’s fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up
and says, “Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s’pposed to take that thing you play
with and put it where I pee!”
… So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!
It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn’t stop crying. Her fairy God-mother was very distraught. “Cinderella,” she said, “Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you’re about to have one of the best evenings of your life!” But Cinderella continued to cry. “I know,” she said, sobbing, “but I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!” she cried again.
The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, “I’ll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin.” “Thank you! Thank you!” she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn’t be late.
The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella’s return.
The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o’clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o’clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.
Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.
The fairy God-mother’s eyes got big and she jumps up. “What happened? Are you ok?” she said with a frantic voice.
“I’m just fine,” she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man…. Peter, Peter something or other.”
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um…
little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor
and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for
her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
“listen, I don’t do this for everyone, but since your husband’s
on his way out… Get this prescription, and put three drops in his
milk before he goes to bed.” The wife is very happy and thanks the
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, “well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close