Joke's Database
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Q: What’s the ultimate in rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!

This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn’t know what
to do. He’s fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up
and says, “Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s’pposed to take that thing you play
with and put it where I pee!”

… So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!

It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn’t stop crying. Her fairy God-mother was very distraught. “Cinderella,” she said, “Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you’re about to have one of the best evenings of your life!” But Cinderella continued to cry. “I know,” she said, sobbing, “but I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!” she cried again.

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, “I’ll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin.” “Thank you! Thank you!” she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn’t be late.

The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella’s return.

The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o’clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o’clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.

The fairy God-mother’s eyes got big and she jumps up. “What happened? Are you ok?” she said with a frantic voice.

“I’m just fine,” she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man…. Peter, Peter something or other.”

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um…
little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor
and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for
her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
“listen, I don’t do this for everyone, but since your husband’s
on his way out… Get this prescription, and put three drops in his
milk before he goes to bed.” The wife is very happy and thanks the
doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, “well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close
the coffin.”

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,” said Edna to Priscilla.
“But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,” Priscilla responded.
“He did. That’s why I have to take every precaution.”

Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his pecker. “I sure wish I could do that,” said the one gay. To which the other replied, “Don’t you think you ought to pet him first?”

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn’t enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: “What happened, did I hurt you?”
“Why no, not at all,” said his surprised wife. “Whatever made you ask that?”
“Well, no reason actually,” the bored husband replied with a sigh, “It’s just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved.”

(this is a gross one…)

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

“C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?” he asks.

She replied, “I will… if you have sex with me.”

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

“You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!” he tells them. “She said we could have water if I had sex with her.”

“Why didn’t you then?” asks he second guy.

“Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn’t do it!”

“Oh, you are such a wuss. I’ll go up to the door,” the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

“W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa……” He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

“Water? Yes, I have water,” she says knowingly. “But you have to have sex with me.”

“AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!”

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

“What do you want for some water?”

“You have to have sex with me.”

Knowing that if he doesn’t do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

“Do me here,” she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

“Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!”

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

“Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars.”

“Then lay back and close your eyes again.”

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn’t even open her eyes.

“If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert.”

“Eyes closed,” he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

“Ohhhhhhhhh…….. The water, money and Jeep are outside,” she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, “Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!”

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