Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
My penis made me locally famous. I didn’t find out about it until I got to
the University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I’d
been at a boys’ school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn’t believe
when, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was even
more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn’t have a
clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no
time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest,
my stomach, my…
- She stopped.
“Oh my goodness!” she said, incredulous, “Your cock tastes just like
CHOCOLATE!”
Melanie (her name) wasn’t a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy.
I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes
and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting.
This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a
new CD she’d bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the
second track we were naked. She’d hardly even kissed me before her face
disappeared under the duvet.
“It does!”, she exclaimed suddenly. “It bloody well DOES!!”
Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received
twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as
‘incredible’, ‘amazing’, `Bournville’, ‘Swiss’ and ‘Belgian’ exclaimed by
mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse
myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor
rubbed off. It didn’t.
I went to the Doctor. She didn’t believe me. Nor did she try it out, which
I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and
gave me a salve.
Okay, so I’ll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have
loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with
me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who
didn’t know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the
arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. “What’s he
got?”, they seemed to ask themselves.
When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new
year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen.
And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have
conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their
eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their
lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave.
It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had
started calling me Hob Nob.
When I say “everyone”, it’s not quite true: Some people called me Willy
Wonka.
Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that
just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me.
All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me.
About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn’t take it. All
through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.
I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.
Because I didn’t have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well
and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath
of fresh air. Fantastic!
It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn’t been for the lousy beer it
would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to
go out.
I’d seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I
heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She
wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black
jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists
clenching to emphasize a point.
“Oral sex”, she had concluded, “is degrading. The worship of the phallus
only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do
it, and I certainly won’t do it ever again. Ever. Thank you.”
She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room
mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know
her.
Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on,
I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn’t interested. But then it
all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old
Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year
after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like
an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as
they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with
kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything;
sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field…
“No!” she said.
She took me by the scruff of the neck. “Not there!”
I stopped.
“Why not?”, I asked.
“I knew it”, she said firmly. “I won’t do it to you in return. I won’t.
Not… “
“I know,” I assured her. “I *want* to do it to you. But I don’t want you
to do it to me, ever.”
“You will”, she said, “You will! I knew this would happen… “
I didn’t listen to her. I knew. There was no way I’d let her even if she
wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and
rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. She
resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I –
I lifted my head up.
“Guinness!” I cried, “Guinness!!”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was
starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while
there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to
make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered,” You know, I’ve
got and itchy pussy… ”
The boy replied, “Well you’re gonna have to point it out, ma’am, all
those Japanese cars look alike to me!”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Just after Lorena Bobbitt brutally cut off her husbands penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again.
Meanwhile 2 Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle.
Stunned but still quiet the 2 Canadians drove on. About 3 miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said, “Man, did you see the size of the dick on that mosquito?”
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Read all jokes from:LGBT (+289)
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. “Follow me,” he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. “If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! But follow me, we’re almost there.”
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
“Why is it so damn cold down here?” Pete asks.
“Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” the devil replied.
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
One neighbor says to the other, “Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the
blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife.” Joe responds
“The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday.”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gagged!
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say that they are hungry and thirsty. It was freezing in the house so they have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They both think for a while when the guy says, “Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can’t pee in mine.”
So she thinks for a minute and says, “Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you’ll never know the depth of mine.”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4816)
“The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bed so they felt Grumpy instead… “
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Read all jokes from:Marriage (+787), Sex (+4816)
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
“Oh, that,” Frank said. “Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box.” Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn’t so bad.
“But what about the 10,000 dollars?”
“Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.”
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