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Chad went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Chad agreed.

When they got to the bedroom, Chad exclaimed “Wow! A waterbed. I’ve never had sex on a waterbed before.”

Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, “Before we go any further, don’t you think you should put on some protection?”

“Good idea,” he responded and got up. Chad walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.

There’s a kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house, he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.

When he walks in the house his mother, who was watching him through the window, says, “I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you’ll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you’ll have no eggs for a week.”

The kid was about to say something when his father walks through the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. Then he says to his mother, “You want to tell him or should I?”

Q: What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
A: A grapefruit!

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a
sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and
says, “This is Stay-Hard spray… put on a little and you can go all
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and
waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member
and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however,
the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down
on the counter, and snaps, “This stuff makes me worse than before!”
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, “I don’t suppose your hid this
stuff on your basement shelf, did you?”
“Yeah, so?”
“You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir… this is Easy-Off.”

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these key “signs.”

1. Woman won’t unlock car door for man. – Doesn’t engage in oral sex.

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. – No foreplay.

3. Can’t hail a cab. – Impotent.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. – Prefers virgins.

5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. – Is a virgin.

6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. – Compulsive Don Juan.

7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. – Compulsive Don Quixote.

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. – Compulsive Don Ho.

9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. – Will swallow.

10. Wants to go to a deli. – Won’t swallow.

11. Uses Sweet n’ Low. – Wearing falsies.

12. Takes too long deciding what to order. – Has trouble reaching orgasm.

13. Orders salad dressing on the side. – Will give you a hand job but will not go “all the way.”

14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.

15. Asks for extra rolls. – Will say she’s using birth control when when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue.

16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as “The lady will have…” – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.

17. Asks for “the usual” – Insists on missionary position only.

18. Asks what the specials are. – Will want you to use handcuffs.

19. Fills up on bread and crackers. – Premature ejaculator.

20. Doesn’t finish everything on plate. – Has already come.

21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. – Will make you sleep on wet spot.

22. Changes mind after ordering. – Will never call you.

23. Changes tables. – Nymphomaniac.

24. Drinks decaf. – Fakes orgasms (female).

25. Orders in French. – Fakes orgasms (male).

26. Sends food back. – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.

27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. – Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. – Wants a handjob.

29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. – Castrating bitch.

30. Wants to split dessert. – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.

31. Credit card is refused. – Low sperm count.

32. Undertips waiter. – Small penis.

33. Undertips parking valet. – Small penis.

34. Undertips cabbie. – Small penis.

35. Uses toothpick. – Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything.

36. Removable cassette player in car. – Pull outs repeatedly during sex.

37. Cellular phone in car. – Penile implant.

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