1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don’t be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
9) If you go into heat, package your meat
10) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
11) Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake
12) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
13) If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
14) No glove, no love
15) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
16) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
17) It’s always funky to cage your monkey
18) Don’t be a fool cover your tool
19) Can your worm before you squirm
20) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
21) House your noodle then release your strudel
22) Sock that wanger before you bang her
23) While you’re undressing Venus, dress up your penis
24) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emgerency room to get it out!
So the elephant says to the naked man . . .
“You breathe through that little thing?”
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.
“Carrie’s not ready yet so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool,” says Bobby.
Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop and a movie.
Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he ask Carrie’s father to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw, she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Well this just made Bobby’s eyes light up and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
“DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST !!!!!!!!”
Definition of bad lover:
An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
The single life will do just fine.
So what’s up, girlfriend?
IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!
Q: What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” he said to her.
“I don’t know,” replied the beautiful young woman. “It depends how personal it is.”
“OK,” the guy said. “How many men have you slept with?”
“I’m not going to tell you that!” the woman exclaimed. “That’s my business!”
“Sorry,” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.”
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell…
“Oh Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”
As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell…
“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
“James, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower.”
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell…
I’m not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but… she thought “kinky sex” involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.