Joke's Database
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A young boy asked his mother “Ma, is it true that people can be taken
apart like machines?” “Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?”
replied by his mother The young boy answered ” The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off
his secretary.”

A little guy, Stephen, without a great deal of sense was telling his friend that he couldn’t get a girl.

His friend, Mike asked, “Man, aren’t you rich? Don’t you have all kinds of money?”

Stephen said, “Yeah, I got th’ money. I just can’t get none.”

Mike said, “Well, all you need to do is buy a boat. Women LOVE boats! You buy a boat, ask a girl if she wants a boat ride, take her twenty miles out, cut off the engine, and tell her to put out or swim. Then you come back and tell me how it went.”

Stephen said, “Well, that seems like a good idea t’ me!”

He went out the next day and bought a big boat, put it in the harbor, and waited. Finally a girl came by and looked at his boat.

He said, “Y-y-you wanna go fer a boat wide wi’ me?”

She thought he was kind of dumb, but she LOVED boats. She went.

He drove her twenty miles out, pulled out the key and said, “Y-y-you g-g-got to p-p-put out, or y-y-you g-g-ot to swim.”

She figured, “What the hell?” She dropped her little swimsuit and let him have some.

He was so happy that he tried it again the next day. He sat by his boat; a girl walked by and looked at the boat.

He asked, “Y-you w-wanna go fer a boat wide wi’ me?”

She LOVED boats, and she decided to go.

He took her twenty miles out, took out the key, and said, “Y-you gotta p-put out or swim!”

She didn’t care. She took off her swimsuit and let him have some.

The next day he was cocky! A little gal came by in a swimsuit that was made of less cotton than there is in the top of an aspirin bottle.

He saw her look at the boat and said, “Hey, Bitch! Wanna go fer a boat wide w’ me? Don’t make no damn difference t’ me!”

She jumped into the boat and he took her twenty miles out, jerked out the key, and said, “Put out or swim!”

She dropped her little swimsuit and damn the STINK! The smell was so bad he had to cover his head.

He said, “Whew! Never mind! Put that swimsuit back on and don’t get none of that on me!”

She reached into her pocketbook and took out a pistol, aimed it at his head, and said, “Eat it or swim.”

When Stephen was telling Mike about it, the goofy guy’s friend said, “Oh, my God! What did you do?”

Stephen answered, “You didn’t hear about no guy drownin’ out there, did you?”

A body builder walks into a bar, and after a while and a few drinks, picks up a girl, and decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the bulging biceps and says, “See these baby – 1000lbs. of dynamite!”

The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs and says, “See these baby – 1000lbs. of dynamite!”

The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his “fruit of the looms”. The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches up with her and says, “Baby, where are you going?”

She replies, “With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you were going to explode!”

Two GI’s in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench
for three days when one needs a shit.
“I can’t go in here” he says” It’s really going to stink”
“There’s another trench over there” says the other.
“I’ll cover you with the M60… just give me a shout and
and i’ll cover you so you can get back”
“OK” so the GI runs across while the other fires off the
machine gun.
He’s waiting 10 minutes… 15… 20…
he shouts out “Are you Ok?”… nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.
“Cover me i`m coming back”
When he jumps back in, his mate says “Where the fuck have
you been? you’ve been gone for over an hour”
“Yeah, I know. There’s a girl in there, I played with her
tits,fondled her arse,turned her round and fucked her from
“It was great!”
“You lucky Bastard” said the other “did you get a blow job?”
“nah” said the other,disappointedly” she didn’t have a head”

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me but what did you say?”

The big guy looks down and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”

“Doctor, I need your help,” the woman says.
“What seems to be the problem?”
“My husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually. What can I do?”
“Hmmm. That’s a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?”
“Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn’t enough for me. You’ve
got to help me!”
“Er… Why don’t you take a lover?”
“I have! I still don’t get enough.”
“Take another lover.”
“I did. In fact, I have eight lovers – and I still don’t get enough sex!”
“Gosh, that’s an anomaly.”
“Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it’s an anomaly! They all keep telling me
I’m a whore!”

The new, young minister was being warned about one particular parishioner. The deacons told him that one young lady, a Ms. Green, came to services every Sunday, but she always wore revealing, form-fitting clothes. They’d never spoken to her about it because she tithed generously and regularly, but they wanted the new pastor to be aware that she’d look pretty shocking when she entered the church.

On Sunday morning, the new preacher was watching the worshippers enter, trying to spot the lady and not be alarmed by her appearance. Suddenly, a woman in a tight mini-skirt, fishnet hose, a low-cut satin blouse, and stiletto heels came walking in. He gaped at her for a moment as she sat in the front pew and crossed her legs.

He nudged one of the deacons and asked, “Is that the one? Is that Tootie Green?”

The deacon looked and said, “I don’t think so. I believe it’s just the way the light’s shinin’ on it.”

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.

He took the note from her and read, “I’m going to fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before.”

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

“Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!” ordered the judge.

“I can’t, Your Honor,” the juror answered. “It’s personal.”

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She
paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice
cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

© 2013
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