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“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

Q: How do you break a blonde’s nose?

A: Place a dildo under a glass table!

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. “Follow me,” he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. “If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! But follow me, we’re almost there.”

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

“Why is it so damn cold down here?” Pete asks.

“Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” the devil replied.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, “How bad is it, doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um…
little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor
and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for
her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
“listen, I don’t do this for everyone, but since your husband’s
on his way out… Get this prescription, and put three drops in his
milk before he goes to bed.” The wife is very happy and thanks the
doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, “well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close
the coffin.”



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