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I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money.
On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five
“Oh darling!” she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?”
“No”, says the old fellow, “it means that you can pick one out.”

Q: How do you know if a lesbian is butch?

A: She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… “I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.”
His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen! you hit her with the shovel!”

One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.

“What the hell are you doing???” The gay man asked his partner.

The gay man’s partner looked up at him sheepishly, “Oh… I was just packing your lunch!”

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