(this is a gross one…)
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
“C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?” he asks.
She replied, “I will… if you have sex with me.”
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
“You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!” he tells them. “She said we could have water if I had sex with her.”
“Why didn’t you then?” asks he second guy.
“Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn’t do it!”
“Oh, you are such a wuss. I’ll go up to the door,” the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
“W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa……” He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
“Water? Yes, I have water,” she says knowingly. “But you have to have sex with me.”
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
“What do you want for some water?”
“You have to have sex with me.”
Knowing that if he doesn’t do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
“Do me here,” she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
“Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!”
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
“Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars.”
“Then lay back and close your eyes again.”
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn’t even open her eyes.
“If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert.”
“Eyes closed,” he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
“Ohhhhhhhhh…….. The water, money and Jeep are outside,” she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, “Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!”
Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, “Look, do you mind not staring at me? It’s making me uncomfortable.”
The other man says, “I’m sorry…My name is Jake. I’m gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I was wondering if you’d be interested in going out…”
Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. “I’m sorry, pal, but I’m a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer.”
Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the guy followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away.
He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all.
While Cisco was probing, Jake kept ‘ooo’ing and ‘aaahhh’ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was really wrong.
Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.
“My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your butt!!!” He shouted.
And Jake replied “READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!”
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
“What? You’re crazy!” she said.
“Look, don’t worry,” he said. “It will be quick, I promise you.”
“Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody…”
“At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it.”
“I’ve already said NO, and NO is final!”
“Honey, it’ll just be a really small blowie… I know you like it too.”
“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”
Desperately, he says, “My love, don’t be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob.”
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: “Dad says, ‘Dammit, give him the blowjob or I’ll have to blow him but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.’”
(This refers to the show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire)
After dinner Regis and his wife, Joy, retired to the bedroom. With high hopes, Regis asked Joy if she would like to make love.
She replied with her usual, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”
“Hmmmm,” mused Regis, “is that your final answer?”
“Yes, it is,” replied Joy.
Regis thought this over for a moment and then asked, “I’d like to phone a friend.”
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?”
The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church.” said the pastor. The pastor
goes to the middle aged couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?”
The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.
Welcome to the church.” said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the
newlywed couple and asks, ‘Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
“Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,”
the young man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took
advantage of her right there.”
“You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church,” stated the pastor.
“That’s OK.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Safeway anymore,