A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts.”
“Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s ‘love canal’.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
‘love pole’. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help.”
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us.”
“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this
sensitive and frank “question and answer” format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you’ve ever wondered about.
Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming
should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start – and that’s in a bar. That’s
right, go to a bar… preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting – it’s best to stay away from the shallow
“pretty boys” in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He’ll advise you from there.
Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right?
A: Unfortunately, there’s no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different
kinds of bars.
Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don’t admit it, men are often shy – so it’s
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don’t be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple “hello”, followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.
Q: What if a man’s married?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you’re a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn’t understand him and he’s thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he’ll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they’re not confused emotionally as virgins. It’s a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he’ll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left
out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.
Q: What is “afterplay”?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the orgasm?
A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.
Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane’s office romance
blossomed, and they
really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the
opportunity to sneak into a
supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight,
and difficult to enter,
but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, “If I
had known you were a
virgin, I would have taken more time!” To which Jane replies “If I’d
known you had more
time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!”
Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter, “You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?”
He sighs and says, “Look, lady, I got a tough day’s work ahead of me. Why don’t you just make us a cup of tea?”