Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.
“What size?” asked the blonde pharmacist’s assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn’t sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.
“Size six,” she told him after a moment. “Now, take it out. How many?”
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.
Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, “But I’m afraid I don’t know my size,” he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. “Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?”
But Tom kept on going until he was done. “None, thanks,” he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. “I just came in for a fitting.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.
The lawyer asked, “How long are you having a sexual relationship?” “Years,
I tell you years” she replied. ” Thats no answer, you have to specify how
long has he intimated with you.” “I don’t know exactly, its average, about
six inches”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”
So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”
To which the man replied, “No, its average!”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.”"Very good, William,” cooed the teacher. “My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. “I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.
And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.” The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?” “It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
15. 180 degrees shy of heaven
14. Performing with Flacido Domingo
13. A few parts shy of an erector set
12. Sch-wing and a miss
11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
10. The Null Monte
9. Disappointing Miss Daisy
8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
7. Ascension Deficit Disorder
6. Bouncing the Check of Love
5. Less-than-Magic Johnson
4. All Doled up with nowhere to go
3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
2. Serving boneless pork
1. Unleavened Man-Bread
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom
asked him how his day went. He said, “We’re learning
about sexual education.” She smiled, and said, “At
least he’s learning something usefull.” Billy went up
to his room. A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his
room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and
sees him jerking off. She says, “Billy, when you’re
done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: “Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”
Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: “Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don’t be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
9) If you go into heat, package your meat
10) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
11) Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake
12) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
13) If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
14) No glove, no love
15) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
16) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
17) It’s always funky to cage your monkey
18) Don’t be a fool cover your tool
19) Can your worm before you squirm
20) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
21) House your noodle then release your strudel
22) Sock that wanger before you bang her
23) While you’re undressing Venus, dress up your penis
24) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these key “signs.”
1. Woman won’t unlock car door for man. – Doesn’t engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. – No foreplay.
3. Can’t hail a cab. – Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. – Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. – Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. – Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. – Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. – Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. – Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. – Won’t swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n’ Low. – Wearing falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. – Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. – Will give you a hand job but will not go “all the way.”
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. – Will say she’s using birth control when when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as “The lady will have…” – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.
17. Asks for “the usual” – Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. – Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. – Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn’t finish everything on plate. – Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. – Will make you sleep on wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. – Will never call you.
23. Changes tables. – Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. – Fakes orgasms (female).
25. Orders in French. – Fakes orgasms (male).
26. Sends food back. – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. – Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. – Wants a handjob.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. – Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.
31. Credit card is refused. – Low sperm count.
32. Undertips waiter. – Small penis.
33. Undertips parking valet. – Small penis.
34. Undertips cabbie. – Small penis.
35. Uses toothpick. – Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything.
36. Removable cassette player in car. – Pull outs repeatedly during sex.
37. Cellular phone in car. – Penile implant.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn
out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his
apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the
other. He realizes that the first one might get bored
watching, so he her asks what she’d like to do.
She says, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love
to play your trombone.”
So she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy’s
apartment building. One of the girls says, “Let’s stop
up and see that guy.”
The other girl says, “Gee… do you think he’d remember us?”
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