Two nuns were on a remote beach. They decided to go behind a sand dune and sunbathe in the nude. They were lying there for a while when a photographer came by and pointed a camera at them. The first nun asked him, “Aren’t you going to focus?”
The second nun said, “Quiet sister…let him take his picture first.”
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend visits her the next day and asks” Are you hurt?”
She replies, “Of Course I’m hurt, He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
One day during confession the priest had to take a dump. No one was coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he stepped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. “Father, I must talk with you.” The father asked her to wait in the booth. She went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for a moment.
So Ray gets into the booth and asked the woman her sins. The woman replied, “I had sex with a married man.” Ray looks on a piece of paper and looks up adultery. Then tells the women to say ten hail-marys and bless herself in holy water.
Then a man comes in. “Forgive me father I stole money.” Ray looks up stealing and tells him to say five hail-marys and bless himself in holy water.
Soon a woman came in and said, “Forgive me father, I gave a man a blowjob.” Ray looks up blowjob and there was nothing. He then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks out the door and sees little Billy the alter boy. Ray called for Billy. “What does the father give for a blowjob?”
Little Billy looks at Ray and says, “A snickers bar and a pat on the back!”
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
“No thanks,” the girl says. “You know I don’t smoke.”
When fashion says, as fashion must,
That females should expose the bust,
How odd will be the sights we’ll see,
Such infinite variety.
From tiny buds not yet in bloom,
To those which fill up half the room.
But first let’s start off with the flats,
With ribs on view like building slats.
The teenage girls will start the craze,
By giving “half an egg” displays.
And then improving on the view,
There’ll be the orange, cut in two.
So now there comes the classic type,
Round and cushioned, soft and ripe.
The perky ones deserve a line,
Pointing upwards all the time.
Upsetting to the manly sight,
One points left and one points right.
And then there’s one, takes so much space,
How can the other keep it’s place?
And so we come around to the flops,
Like spaniels ears, or razor strops.
The double chins, the pigeon toes,
The blusher, and the purple nose.
Then jewels pendant from the ends,
Will add to fashions topless trends.
The only common factor seen,
Will be the upright cleft between.
As long as there are two abreast,
Who is to say which sort is best.
The great advantage is, I feel,
At least we’ll know that they are real.
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party?”
“Yeah,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protested the barkeep.
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker, the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”
“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says. “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”
One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.
“What the hell are you doing???” The gay man asked his partner.
The gay man’s partner looked up at him sheepishly, “Oh… I was just packing your lunch!”