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Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.

He took the note from her and read, “I’m going to fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before.”

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

“Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!” ordered the judge.

“I can’t, Your Honor,” the juror answered. “It’s personal.”

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She
paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice
cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and
showed Brian where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,”
“That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.
“Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was
standing right there watching us.”
“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?”
“Baaaaaaa.”

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won. A young reporter walked up to him and said,

“Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies. I even heard that you kissed a parakeet.”

The Mayor replied, “That’s right young man. I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet … I kissed a Cock-or-two.”

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely
active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses,
masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time.

The doctor asked which he liked best.

He Replied, ” Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of
people in them.”

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,
to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you
look so depressed.
She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me… six
dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I’m going to have to
spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.
Now that’s really silly, why don’t you use a vase?

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”

The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”

“How does he drive you crazy?”

“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”

The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”

“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”

“Hmm, anything else?”

The wife hesitates, “whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”

“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”

The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”

The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”

The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”

The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”

The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”

The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”

“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”

The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”

“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.

“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”

“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”

“What did he say?”

The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up!’”

Q: What’s the ultimate in rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
A: His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!

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