Sex in a boat – oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms.
Sex with 4WDrivers – four-on-the-floorgasms.
Sex with a salesmen – door-to-doorgasms.
Sex with a virgin – my-hymen-got-torgasms.
Premature ejaculators have – beforegasms.
Sex with ‘Arthur’ – Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eeyore-gasms.
Sex while broke – poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion – roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac – more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – s’more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach – shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia – Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train – ‘All Aboard’-gasms.
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying – ‘There’s the door’-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention – ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms.
Sex while flying – soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo – pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling – tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog – Labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead – ‘GonnaScore’-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God – Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”
The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.”
She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.”
Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”
The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.”
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”
He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”
The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”
A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.
The woman couldn’t believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.
A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.
The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn’t believe that such a rude person existed.
A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.
The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?”
The man replied, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma’am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The woman then said, “Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?”
The man looked at her, grinned and said, “Pepper, of course.”
Two nuns were on a remote beach. They decided to go behind a sand dune and sunbathe in the nude. They were lying there for a while when a photographer came by and pointed a camera at them. The first nun asked him, “Aren’t you going to focus?”
The second nun said, “Quiet sister…let him take his picture first.”
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend visits her the next day and asks” Are you hurt?”
She replies, “Of Course I’m hurt, He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
One day during confession the priest had to take a dump. No one was coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he stepped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. “Father, I must talk with you.” The father asked her to wait in the booth. She went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for a moment.
So Ray gets into the booth and asked the woman her sins. The woman replied, “I had sex with a married man.” Ray looks on a piece of paper and looks up adultery. Then tells the women to say ten hail-marys and bless herself in holy water.
Then a man comes in. “Forgive me father I stole money.” Ray looks up stealing and tells him to say five hail-marys and bless himself in holy water.
Soon a woman came in and said, “Forgive me father, I gave a man a blowjob.” Ray looks up blowjob and there was nothing. He then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks out the door and sees little Billy the alter boy. Ray called for Billy. “What does the father give for a blowjob?”
Little Billy looks at Ray and says, “A snickers bar and a pat on the back!”
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
“No thanks,” the girl says. “You know I don’t smoke.”
When fashion says, as fashion must,
That females should expose the bust,
How odd will be the sights we’ll see,
Such infinite variety.
From tiny buds not yet in bloom,
To those which fill up half the room.
But first let’s start off with the flats,
With ribs on view like building slats.
The teenage girls will start the craze,
By giving “half an egg” displays.
And then improving on the view,
There’ll be the orange, cut in two.
So now there comes the classic type,
Round and cushioned, soft and ripe.
The perky ones deserve a line,
Pointing upwards all the time.
Upsetting to the manly sight,
One points left and one points right.
And then there’s one, takes so much space,
How can the other keep it’s place?
And so we come around to the flops,
Like spaniels ears, or razor strops.
The double chins, the pigeon toes,
The blusher, and the purple nose.
Then jewels pendant from the ends,
Will add to fashions topless trends.
The only common factor seen,
Will be the upright cleft between.
As long as there are two abreast,
Who is to say which sort is best.
The great advantage is, I feel,
At least we’ll know that they are real.
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party?”
“Yeah,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protested the barkeep.
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”