There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”
The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”
He asked. “No!” the director screamed, “You forgot the bloody rose!”
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: “Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”
Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: “Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.”
A guy died and woke up to find he was in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thought to himself, “I know I led a wild life, but I wasn’t that bad. I never thought it would come to this.”
Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor.
The counselor said, “What’s the problem, you look depressed?”
The man responded, “Well, what do you think? I’m in Hell.”
The counselor said, “Hell’s not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?”
The man said, “Sure, I love to drink.”
The counselor replied, “Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You’ll love Mondays. Do you smoke?”
The man said, “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
The counselor replied, “You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart’s desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?”
The man said, “Well in my younger days I experimented a little; never inhaled.”
The counselor replied, “You are going to love Wednesdays. That’s drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don’t have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?”
The man said, “Yes, I love to gamble.”
The counselor replied, “You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night–black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?”
The man said, “Well, no I’m not.”
The counselor replied, “Oh, Fridays then, uh, will certainly be a new experience for you…”
Did you hear about the three gay guys who attacked a woman?
Two held her down while the other did her hair.
A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”
He replies, “No.”
She responds, “Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don’t want to get that again… !”