Three hookers of varying ages were standing around, discussing their profession. The middle aged one said: “So, how’s business?”
“Awful!” replied the young one. “All anybody wants is blow jobs!”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the mid-lifer. “It’s easy work, a quick turn over, and you can make more money that way.”
“That’s just the problem,” exclaimed the young lady, “I can’t get more than $20.00 for a blow job! How can I make any money that way?”
“Oh,” she replied, shrugging, “that’s nothing. When I started working, we only got $10.00 for a blow job!”
At this point the old hooker chimed in. “You kids have it so easy! Why, back in my day, we had to give blow jobs for free! And we were glad to get something warm in our bellies, too!”
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Ill lend him my car, the rest is up to him.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!”
Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh” and “aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
10) If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9) Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8) If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7) You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6) Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5) Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4) Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3) All guys look like George Clooney and all woman like Pamela Anderson.
2) They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1) If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal in women. Foremost amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 500S convertible.
Q: How are airplanes and women alike?
A: They both have cockpits.
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one
Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible
hand when she notices the time.
“Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to
be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her
friend’s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling
She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then
she realizes he is loving it! “Mmmm, darling, this is the best
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and
they are all horrified.
“You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your
chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being
so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass.”