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Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: The shower has to be turned on before it gets wet.

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.
“How do you plead?” asked the judge.
“Guilty or not guilty.”
“Not guilty,” replied the man.
“On what grounds?” queried the judge.
“I didn’t think she was dead… I thought she was an American.”

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else!

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously.
One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, “I hear they’re doing this to women in Chicago!”

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant’s trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, “Tarzan, how you like-a your new parts?”

Tarzan says, “Eye good…Tarzan see far, clear…Arm good…long, strong…but Tarzan not crazy about new weenie… all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan’s ass.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, went to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, “What the hell did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “Always check for squirrels.”

© 2015