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A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN’T play”
The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus’ owner pockets the $50
Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50.
The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few Moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”
The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”
The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, “How long before we can have sex?”

The doctor says, “At least wait until he’s walking.”

Q: Why do men name their penises?

A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m sooo drunk!”

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one
Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible
hand when she notices the time.

“Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to
be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her
friend’s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling
up.

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then
she realizes he is loving it! “Mmmm, darling, this is the best
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and
they are all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your
chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being
so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass.”



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