A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS
country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently. “That’s amazing. Where I come from
there’s really only one.”
“Oh,” sniffed the Romeo, “just one? And which way is that?”
“Well, there’s a man and there’s a woman . . . ”
“Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!”
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said,
“But you just got a new pair last month!”
“Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,”
stammered the private.
“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?”
“No, no nothing of those… ” said the private.
“Well then, what is it?”
“I’d rather not tell you sir… ”
“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the
medical officer, ready to stand up, “I’ve to see my patients
“No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,”
blurted the private.
“Don’t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing
“You see, she crossed her legs… “
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes
flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his
head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to
the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to
knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, “Who’s in your upstairs room?”
The elderly man replies, “I can’t see how it’s any of your
business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended
son-in-law are upstairs.”
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, “Well, I
just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their “urges”.
The lady said “If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don’t want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice.”
The gent said “OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don’t want it,
pull my DONG 48 times.”
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”
“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?
Johnny said, “It’s that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp.”
* “I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”
* “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”
* “How come it’s so BIG in there?”
* “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before, right?”
* “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”
* (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”
* (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”
* “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”
* “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”
* “Do you know what a ‘douche’ is?”
* “Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.”
* “I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”
* “I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”
* “Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”
* “I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!”
* “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately…..”
* “You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”
* “You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”
Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl’s destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?
Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
A: 20 class rings fell out.
A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… “I know you haven’t been getting much lately…but I didn’t know you were so worried about it!”