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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”
The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”
The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this,
the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says “What’s up?”
The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and
he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says “He did?!”
The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says “My God, what happened next?!”
The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, “We’ll just take a
big hunk off the end.” They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it.” They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk off the base of
it.” They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, “Can’t we
just make his legs longer?”

Seven wise men smarter than shit,
decided to make a pair of tits.

First was a miner who came from the ground,
Grabbed a shovel and made two mounds.

Next was a sculptor after being soothed,
With skillful hands he made them smooth.

Third was a mattress maker who was a bit sleazy,
But worked on the boobs to make them squeezy.

Fourth came a tailor who could tuck and nip,
At the top of it he made a tip.

Fifth was a farmer that gave them milk,
Coming from the tip smooth as silk.

Sixth was a father that burst out and said,
“If she feeds the kids, I stay in bed!”

Finally was a pimp who said with some spit,
after licking and sucking, “This is definitely a tit!”

Reminiscing about their wayward youth, a former hippie asked a onetime flower child, “Say, were you ever picked up by the fuzz?”

“No,” she replied, “but I bet it’d hurt!”

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don’t be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don’t be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey

9) If you go into heat, package your meat

10) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

11) Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake

12) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

13) If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

14) No glove, no love

15) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

16) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

17) It’s always funky to cage your monkey

18) Don’t be a fool cover your tool

19) Can your worm before you squirm

20) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

21) House your noodle then release your strudel

22) Sock that wanger before you bang her

23) While you’re undressing Venus, dress up your penis

24) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

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