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Kissing is a habit,
screwing is a game,
boys get all the pleasure,
girls get all the pain.

He says he loves you
and you believe it’s true,
but when your stomach starts to swell
he says the hell with you!!!

16 minutes of pleasure,
9 months of pain,
3 days in the hospital,
a baby with no name.

The baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore,
it never would of happened
if the rubber hadn’t tore!

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said,
“Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?”
“Why Yes, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.

Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the
finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at
Marie said, “Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no, John, “said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
“Hey, Marie,” said John, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh, no, John,” said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car
and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He’d
struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

“Hey, Marie,” said John, “how would you like to stop at this motel with

“Sure, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.

Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and
checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in
the bed.

“What have I done? What have I done?” thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up. “Marie, I’ve got to ask you one thing,
said John. “What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

Marie said, “The same thing I always tell them… You don’t have
to smoke and drink to have a good time.

* “I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”

* “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”

* “How come it’s so BIG in there?”

* “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before, right?”

* “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”

* (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”

* (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”

* “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”

* “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”

* “Do you know what a ‘douche’ is?”

* “Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.”

* “I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”

* “I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”

* “Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”

* “I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!”

* “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately…..”

* “You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”

* “You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang with Adam, the first man.” So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of the woman?”

Adam says, “Yes.”

“Well, says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much.

4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmm…”, says Adam, “Hold on.” So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Henry Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

© 2015