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A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to transplants and artificial body parts.

“They’ll make an artificial dick next,” the wife said.

“Bullshit!” replied the husband. “There are some things you can’t make. Besides, what would you make it from?”

“Iron,” she told him.

“Don’t be stupid, woman. It’d rust.”

“Ok, brass then,” she insisted.

“That’s bloody ridiculous,” scoffed the husband. “Men would never be able to keep it clean.”

“Rubbish!” she told him. “I’ve watched you polish yours while watching porno videos for years!”

From the new 2000 All GAY Version of ‘Sound of Music’…

Big dykes with small dogs and butches with kittens;
Diesels in tall boots with chains on their mittens;
Femmes in their lipstick with rings in their nose;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Men who can cook and make great apple strudels;
Women who think and can sure use their noodles;
Some who like dressing in black leather clothes;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Men in tight dresses with gold lame sashes;
Makeup and high heels and long false eyelashes;
Men who have muscles and men who wear hose;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

REFRAIN:

When the right wing
Spews its hatred
And it makes me sad,
I simply remember the gays that I know And then I don’t
feel – - – so bad.

Doctors and nurses and students and teachers;
Soldiers and singers and actors and preachers;
Lawyers who fight in the courts with our foes;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Nieces and uncles and sisters and brothers;
Parents who live with significant others;
Brave sons and daughters who let their love show;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Young politicians with courage and vision;
Leaders with guts who can make a decision;
Those in the closets and those on the go;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

REFRAIN:

First Anita,
then it’s Limbaugh,
It just makes you mad,
But always remember the gays that you know and then you
won’t feel – - – so bad!

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest “weapon”. The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon… he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered… the
women swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played appropriate
music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered… the
women swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority… the King finally spoke out.
“I have the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered… the women swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners…
and the band played “God Save the Queen.”

A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS
country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently. “That’s amazing. Where I come from
there’s really only one.”

“Oh,” sniffed the Romeo, “just one? And which way is that?”

“Well, there’s a man and there’s a woman . . . ”

“Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!”

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said,
“But you just got a new pair last month!”
“Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,”
stammered the private.
“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?”
“No, no nothing of those… ” said the private.
“Well then, what is it?”
“I’d rather not tell you sir… ”
“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the
medical officer, ready to stand up, “I’ve to see my patients
now.”
“No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,”
blurted the private.
“Don’t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing
a girl?”
“You see, she crossed her legs… “

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes
flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his
head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to
the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to
knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, “Who’s in your upstairs room?”

The elderly man replies, “I can’t see how it’s any of your
business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended
son-in-law are upstairs.”

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, “Well, I
just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out
the window!”

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their “urges”.
The lady said “If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don’t want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice.”
The gent said “OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don’t want it,
pull my DONG 48 times.”

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”

“How so?”

“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”

Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?
Johnny said, “It’s that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp.”

* “I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”

* “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”

* “How come it’s so BIG in there?”

* “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before, right?”

* “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”

* (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”

* (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”

* “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”

* “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”

* “Do you know what a ‘douche’ is?”

* “Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.”

* “I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”

* “I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”

* “Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”

* “I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!”

* “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately…..”

* “You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”

* “You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”

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