A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the
vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.
“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted
on the phone”
“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that will that stop them?”
“Should do,” said the vet, “- IT STOPPED ME!”
A man named Mike went over to his friend’s house and rang the bell. His friend’s wife, Nora, answered the door.
“Hi, is Tony home?” he asked her.
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come on in.”
They sat down and shortly Mike said, “You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could see just one.”
Nora thought about this for a second, and thought about how badly they needed the money right now. She opened her robe and exposed one. Mike promptly thanked her and put $100 on the table.
They sat there a while longer, and Mike said, “They are so beautiful! I’d love to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together.”
Nora thought about this for a moment, then opened her robe and gave Mike a nice big look. Mike thanked her and threw another $100 on the table. Then he said he couldn’t wait any longer for Tony and left.
A while later, Tony arrived and Nora said, “You know, your weird friend Mike came over while you were gone.”
Tony turned and said, “Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owed me?”
Three guys are discussing women.
“I like to watch a woman’s tits best,” the first guy says.
The second says “I like to look at a woman’s ass.”
He asks the third guy “What about you?”.
“Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”
Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.
Q: How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
A: By sitting down before the last guy gets up.