A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi’s garb.
“May I come in?” asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, “But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we…”
“I know what you do here,” interrupted the rabbi. “You don’t think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls.”
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, “Good! I’ll take those.”
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed.
There, to Rosie’s astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, “How old are you, Rabbi?”
The rabbi said, “God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old.”
“That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you’re ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me … Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you.”
The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, “What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again.”
“Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap.”
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, “Wait one minute. This is important. While I’m asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless.”
“Of course, Rabbi,” said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi’s testicles free of the sheet.
For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, “I’m ready.” And so he was, for, to Rosie’s delight, he was even better the second time than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, “It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don’t understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?”
“Oh that,” said the rabbi. “Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don’t know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars.”
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt…except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”
“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected.”
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.
“Sir Galahadhis,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”
But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, “Come on, babe, let’s go in the alleyway and get it on. I’ve got fifteen bucks.”
She says, “FIFTEEN bucks? You’re crazy. For fifteen bucks, I’ll let you LOOK at it.”
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can’t see anything, because it’s too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, “My God, your pubic hair… it’s so curly and thick… it’s BEAUTIFUL.”
She says, “Thank you.”
He says, “You mind if I ask you a personal question?”
She says, “Go ahead.”
He says, “Can you pee through all that hair?”
She says, “Of course.”
He says, “Well, you better start. You’re on fire.”
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “Oh, it’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke.”
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
“Okay”, she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?”
She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, “Luke?”
Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?”
Jed says, “You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not”.
“Me, neither,” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off.”