Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!” Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.”
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!”
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me, young man?”
Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.”
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, “Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?”
The Pope replies, “Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.”
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!”
The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues, “Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”
To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.”
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!”
The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”
To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah….. are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?”
The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!”
The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race: If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription: Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date. You’ll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It’s a call from a creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he’ll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person’s mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men’s desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy. 2) Women’s desire for intimacy often results in sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can’t keep a good man down.
Twain’s Truth: Familiarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month… unless they’re single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he’s fallen asleep by the time you’re ready.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250″
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “$750″
Man – “Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000″
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again, you’re in my closet now.”
A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN’T play”
The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus’ owner pockets the $50
Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50.
The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few Moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”
The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”
The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”