This little boy walks into a whorehouse with fifty buck in one hand, and a dead duck in the other. He walks up to the madam, and tells her he wants to buy the nastiest, cheesiest, sluttiest whore she’s got!
The madam, a little taken back by this, asks the little boy why he would want such a thing.
So he tells her he wants to catch the herpes.
She asks him what for?
So he tells her, that he wants to catch the herpes, so he can go home and give them to his sister.
The madam, totally flabbergasted, asks him to repeat what he just said.
So he says, “Thats right! I want to catch the herpes, so I can go home and give them to my sister, then she can give them to my dad, then he can give them to my mom and then my mom can give them to the mailman, cause thats the son of a bitch that killed my duck!!!”
Q: What do you have if you put 50 government employees and 50 lesbians in the same room?
A: 100 people who don’t do dick.
There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up
and the guy thew the comdom out the window. His girlfriend got
mad at him she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car
and went to find the condom.
He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for
it back the boy refused. “C’mon” he begged, “I’ll give u a dollar.”
“Well,” little boy thought, “Okay.”
So the little boy ran home. “Mom, you’ll never guess what just
what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I
tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!”
You don’t need to use a condom
You don’t need a dental dam
You don’t need to say “I Love You” or “Here’s Fifty
Don’t need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need’s a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!
It’s natural, and organic
It’s easy and it’s fun
If you don’t know how to do it ask your parents how it’s done
You don’t need a special license
You don’t need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the ROCKER’S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that instead of playing air guitar he’s stroking air wanker.)
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand!
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. “Follow me,” he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. “If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! But follow me, we’re almost there.”
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
“Why is it so damn cold down here?” Pete asks.
“Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” the devil replied.