November 30, 1995
Dear Mrs. Smith,
We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl’s “Man of the Month” centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.
We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:
When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 70. We couldn’t
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.
The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said “We’ll retain our widowed status!”
The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said “We can’t perform miracles!”
We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl’s centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as “the item of interest” as it would in
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to.” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband asked as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s just a statue.” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the “statue.”
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here.” he said to the statue “Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.”
A schoolteacher says, “We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.”
An airline stewardess says, “Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.”
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.
It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and
young George was pretty excited.
“Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.
“George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up
at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice
orderly fashion.” said Sam.
“Okay, I can do that.” George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam
said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more
“Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and
you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.
“OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.
“Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will
let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?”
“Sure” says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one
end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember’s Sam’s
instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to
say – “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am,
thank you ma’am, sorry Sam, thank you ma’am.”
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”
“Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”
“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.
“Honey,” says Sophie, “On a day like that, I don’t do the laundry.”