A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.
These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.
A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”
The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”
Q: Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
A: So it doesn’t explode when you fuck it.
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
First date: She’s shy, so you don’t get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She’ll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens either.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob.
Second Date: You get another great blowjob.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex.
Second Date: you give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister.
Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother.
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
There were two guys walking down the street and they saw a dog licking his nuts.
One of the guys said. “Man I wish I could do that”.
Then the other guy said, “Man that dog will bite you!”!
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”
The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”
He asked. “No!” the director screamed, “You forgot the bloody rose!”