A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle- lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.
“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone”
“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that will that stop them?”
“Should do,” said the vet, “IT STOPPED ME!”
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement
home. The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have sex
with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I’ll have sex
with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room,
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, “So, you want the
romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the
husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year
old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son’s room
and says “Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with
mademoiselle Ginette ?” “Oh yes papa, I remember very well” says the son.
“Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same
So the elephant says to the naked man . . .
“You breathe through that little thing?”
A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.
The woman couldn’t believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.
A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.
The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn’t believe that such a rude person existed.
A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.
The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?”
The man replied, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma’am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The woman then said, “Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?”
The man looked at her, grinned and said, “Pepper, of course.”
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, “Don’t you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?”
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
“No thanks,” the girl says. “You know I don’t smoke.”
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what’s the problem?
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?” she asks, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.
The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!”