Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren!” POOF!! She is gone.
The second nun says, “I want-a to be Madonna!” POOF!! She is gone.
The third nun says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipilini.”
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name is unfamiliar to me.”
The nun takes a newspaper out and hands it to him.
He reads the paper and starts laughing, then hands it back to her and says, “No, sister. This paper says, ‘Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days.”
My wife must be a sex object because every time I ask for sex, she objects.
A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… “I know you haven’t been getting much lately…but I didn’t know you were so worried about it!”
One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl’s understanding parents left us alone in the living room.
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
“If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter,” I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.
“Here is a dollar,” she said. “I wanna watch.”
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. “Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.”
“Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!”
“Not so,” replied the other captain. “After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.
When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!”
“You sick bastard,” replied the cop. “Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?”
“Sure,” said the captain. “What about ‘em?!”
“Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”