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* Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

* She has a thicker mustache than you.

* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.

* You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.

* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.

* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.

* She is better hung than you.

* She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.

* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.

* She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

Q: What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
A: It doesn’t mean dick.

Q: What’s another term for cunnilingus?
A: Genital Slurpees.

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her
full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,
his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft
murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly
taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements
deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had
gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy
was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, “It’s too big! – it will never fit!”
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made
only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn’t be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and again…


One neighbor says to the other, “Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the
blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife.” Joe responds
“The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday.”

© 2015