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Q: What’s the definition of a real loser?

A: A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

* An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in abrothel.

* An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think, if you think at all.

* An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there’s a natural disaster.

* An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

* An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

* The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

* An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

* Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.

* An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

* Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

* An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know.

* Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

* An older woman will never accuse you of “using her.” She’s using you.

* Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

* Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

* An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas.

* Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

* Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

* Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

* An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

* Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

* Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

* An older woman has lots of girlfriends and most of them will want to boff you too.

* An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

* An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple’s confusion. “Can I help you with this painting?” he asked.

“Well, yes.” said the gentleman. “We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?”

“Oh,” said the artist. “I’m afraid you’ve misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they’re coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!”

Q: If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A: A hole in it.

© 2015