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Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gagged!

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it.

The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”

“Of course, Sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. NEVER MIND!”

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting… she says “I’m breaking up with you.”
“Why?” he asks.
She says “because you are a pedophile”.
He says “Pedophile? Hmmmm that’s an awfully big word for a 10 year old.”

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local
bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear
about his wedding night.
Jake says, “Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up
the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so’s
me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of
my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her.”
The bartender says, “Why did it take three sons to get you off?”
Jake says, “I fought ‘em.”

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked the girl, “If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”

She agreed to and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100, she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car.

The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were still trapped in the car.

“Go get help,” he pleaded.

She replied, “I can’t, I’m naked.”

He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said, “Cover your privates with that and go get help.”

She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, “HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, “I’m sorry, Miss. He’s too far in.”

A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn’t know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, “Has anybody got the cock?” All the men stood up.

“No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?” All the women folk stood up.

“No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?” All the nuns stood up.

A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while:
“Honey, your tits are too small, and your box
is too tight,”

“Get off my back, dear!” she replies

The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race: If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription: Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date. You’ll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It’s a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he’ll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person’s mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result: 1) Men’s desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy. 2) Women’s desire for intimacy often results in sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine: You can’t keep a good man down.

Twain’s Truth: Familiarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month… unless they’re single.

The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he’s fallen asleep by the time you’re ready.

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of
hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say “Hi there little boy!!”

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always
wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: “well, that is what size
we imagine your penis to be… it is just a joke!”

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI
THERE LADIES!

Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey.

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