The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her
students on sexual morality. “In moments of temptation,” said the speaker
to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure
worth a lifetime of shame?”
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: “How do you make
it last an hour?”
A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip.
Not wishing to be alone, he calls an “escort” service for some company.
Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hooker
says, “I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that’s
for a hand job.” “$500 for a hand job? Why, that’s outrageous!” the man
exclaimed. ” No hand job in the world could be worth $500!” The hooker
summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below.
“See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can
do with my hands.” Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and
sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual
experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, “God
that was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?” “$2500,” the hooker replied.
“$2500 for a blowjob?” Cried the astonished man. “That’s way too much!”
Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across
the street. “Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there?
I own that because of what I can do with my mouth.” ” Oh no,” moans the man,
“this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it.” Once again the hooker
takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure
he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified.
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, “I just have to know. How much
do you get for pussy?” The hooker drags the man to the window for a third
time, points and proclaims, “Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on
the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!”
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were
popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red
blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, “Lady, I’ll
give you $10 for a blow job.”
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the
city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, suh, for
defendin’ mah honor!” Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said,
“Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in
To determine your personality check the gift you’d most like to get:
3. A sweet poem
6. Waffle iron
If you answered…
It means that… You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share… OR you’re a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything even true love.
It means that… You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture… OR you get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM
It means that… You’re a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word… OR you’re used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
It means that…You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful… OR you’re a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.
It means that… You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight… OR you’re easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
6. WAFFLE IRON
It means that… You’re a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use… OR you have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,
to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you
look so depressed.
She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me… six
dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I’m going to have to
spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.
Now that’s really silly, why don’t you use a vase?
A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts
raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, “Hey Sister, what are you
going to tell the other Sisters now?”
“I’ll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground,
and raped me twice… unless you’re tired.” she responded.
A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks her if she has had a good time.She tells him yes but that to get her really horny she likes her men to be rough, tough and selfish.
The next week the guy picks her up for there evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her, “Well, was I rough?”
“Yes,” she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
“And was I tough?” he asks.
“Oh yes,” she moans.
“Well them its time to be selfish,” he says. So he whips out his penis and gives himself a handjob.
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else!
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
Aspirin makes a great contraceptive. Jhold it between your knees.