A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile.
The barman goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!”
But the guy goes, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!”
He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and
puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the
bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.”
Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth
open that long!”
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Vito and the other was Vladimir.
Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
Vladamir: “Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?”
Vito: “Well, I’ll tell ya! But it’s a secret . . just between you and me. I don’t want my system to become too public.”
Vladamir: “OK. Its a deal.”
Vito: “You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos bathing suit. When the women see it they come running from miles around.”
Vladamir: “That’s it? I can do that.”
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.
“Its working, he thought.”
But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.
He rushed over to Vito and asked, “Vito, what’s the problem? Why isn’t it working?”
Vito: “Because your supposed to put the potato in the front.”
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as
he looked absolutely terrible. “Well… ” said the Engineer, “I met
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night.”
“OK,” replied the boss, “that may explain your fatigue, but why
are your eyes so red ?”
“Well… ” said the Engineer, “turns out she was married and had
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too.”
“I see.” chided the boss, “but that seminar ended Friday. How
come you still appear so ragged ?”
“Well… ” said the Engineer, “you can’t sit there and cry 4-5
times a day for four days and not look like this.”
The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.
“Do you have reservations?” asked the desk clerk.
“Only one, ” replied the groom, “she won’t take it up the ass.”
Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding… “I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.”
His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen! you hit her with the shovel!”
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll
never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position
“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”
“Back to back.”
“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you – especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?” There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain – prostitution.
The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race: If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription: Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date. You’ll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It’s a call from a creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he’ll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person’s mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men’s desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy. 2) Women’s desire for intimacy often results in sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can’t keep a good man down.
Twain’s Truth: Familiarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month… unless they’re single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he’s fallen asleep by the time you’re ready.
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, “Do you ever get to feeling horny?”
“Yes,” her friend replied.
“What do you do about it?”
“I usually suck on a Lifesaver.”
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, “Well, what beach do you go to?”