Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Miss Annabelle has just returned from her big trip to New York City and is having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy’s mansion with her Southern Belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
“You just wouldn’t believe what they have there in New York City,” says Miss Annabelle. “They have men there who kiss other men on the lips.”
Miss Annabelle’s friends fan themselves and say, “Oh my! Oh my!”
“They call them homosexuals,” proclaims Miss Annabelle.
“They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!”
“Oh my! Oh my,” exclaim the girls. “What do they call them?” they asked.
“They call them lesbians,” says Miss Annabelle.
“They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City,” sighs Miss Annabelle.
“Oh my! Oh my! Oh my,” exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. “What do they call them?” they ask in unison.
Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush, “Why when I caught my breath, I called him ‘Precious’!”
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends?
“Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
- First Base – This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
- Second Base – Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
- Third Bas e- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
- Home Run – This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
- On Deck- Having plans for a date
- Strike-Out- Duh!!
- Walk- Kissing
- Bunt- Masturbation
- Single- Tongue kissing
- Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
- Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
- Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
- Home Run- SEX!
- Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
- Error- Condom breaks during sex
- Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
- Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
- Balk- Premature ejaculation
- Pine Tar- KY jelly
- Relief pitcher- Vibrator
- Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
- Box Seats- Waterbed
- Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
- Rookie- Virgin
- Minor Leagues- Under 18
- Loaded Bases- manage a trois
- Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
- Foul tip- VD
- Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.
I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America’s favorite pastime!
The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not specifically covered in the rules.
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as “cybersex”. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you’ll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does…
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom.There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?
Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?
Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your… you know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Read all jokes from:Sex (+4815)
A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.
When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.
“I want to get screwed,” said the man.
“OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee,” answered the voice.
The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.
“Hey,” exclaimed the man, “I want to get screwed!”
“What?” said the voice, “Again?”