Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl’s understanding parents left us alone in the living room.
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
“If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter,” I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.
“Here is a dollar,” she said. “I wanna watch.”

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. “Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.”

“Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!”

“Not so,” replied the other captain. “After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!”

“You sick bastard,” replied the cop. “Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?”

“Sure,” said the captain. “What about ‘em?!”

“Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.

“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I do hope you don’t mind my looking at you.”

She told him she would rather he didn’t look so hard and that she didn’t consider herself that special.

“Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven’t seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look.”

So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn’t get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.

When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.

“I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I’ve never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you.”

Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.

“Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don’t know how much this means to me!” When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, “Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are.”

After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.

Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, “Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh.”

Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he’d like to do it again.

Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, “Yes, but I’ll have to wait a little while.”

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it
hurt!…

So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few
drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They’re having a great time. She was on top when suddenly
she had an epileptic seizure – she was shaking and foaming at
the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible –
best sex he’d ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with
her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the
emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, “I think
her orgasm’s stuck!”



© 2014 ijokedb.com