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On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, “You’ll have to wait.”
“But there’s lots of girls that aren’t busy right now.”
“Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.”
“Listen, I’m pretty desperate. I don’t need a room.”
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate
the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But
it’s a very cold night, and they freeze to death and
fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,
staggers to the door, and knocks.

“Go away!” says the madam. “We don’t allow drunks in here!”

“I don’t want in,” says the drunk. “I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down.”

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.

“Certainly, sir,” said the lady behind the counter. “Shall I put them on your bill?”

“No way!” replied Donald Duck. “What do you think I am, a dickhead?”

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

* She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

* As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

* Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

* She startles the animals at the zoo.

* On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

* She makes onions cry.

* Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

* Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

* The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

* When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

Daddy told me long ago,
“Son, don’t play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It’s sure to make you sick.”

“Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I’ve heard it said.
You’ll grow up to be a fairy
Just like your uncle Ned.”

“Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl
Your back will always ache.
You won’t grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake.”

“Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you’ll lose your tushy
Before you turn thirteen.”

“Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You’ll die and go to hell.”

“And if they ask me how you died,
I’ll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I’ll know I lied.
It’s ’cause you pulled your prick!”

Daddy went to work this morn
And Mommy’s in the kitchen.
I think I’ll get out Daddy’s porn
And give myself a twitchin’.

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You’re absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night. Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing.”

The second nun looks up and says, “This one does!”

This woman goes to her husband. “The car has a flat tire” she told him.
“Does it look like I have ‘firestone’ written on my head?” he replied.
“Ugh” she walked outta the room.
The next day when her husband walked in from work she said.
“The dishwasher down.” She told him.
“Does it look like I have ‘whirlpool’ written on my forehead?”
The next her husband came home and asked her.
“How did u get this stuff done?”
“The guy next door told me he’d fix them if I gave him a blow job or if I baked him a cake.”
“Oh what kinda cake did ya bake him?” he asked her.
“Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. “So me and
my cousin were alone in the house,” she continued, “and went up to my
bedroom… ”
“Go on, my child,” said the priest gently.
“I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand
on my… on my… ”
“Go on.”
“On my pussy,” stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
“And touched me and touched me until I couldn’t help myself.”
“Yes, go on,” the priest directed.
“I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,”
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, “and he began to
shove it in me so hard… ”
“Yes, yes… Go on,” he urged, breathing hard.
“And then we heard the front door slam – ”
“Oh, SHIT!!!!

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