Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking. Pa says to Ma, “Screw you Ma.”
A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, “Screw you Pa.”
Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, “Screw you Ma.”
Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, “Screw you Pa.”
Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, “Screw you Ma.”
A minute later, Ma says to Pa, “Screw you Pa.”
A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, “I don’t know about you Ma, but I just don’t get too much out of this oral sex stuff!”
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Does your wife ever… well, you know… does she… well, let
you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.
“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s into the dog trick
aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”
“Well… not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead.”
Back in the ’70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was
showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned
to his friend, and said, “Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives
flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great.
Now I’ll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.’ `Why?’
says her friend. `Don’t you have a vase?’”
They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women
are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from
their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting
with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling
“What was that?” starts Hefner’s friend.
“Oh, probably just the umbrella stand… “
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks “Why the panties?”
She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this… a black condom?”
He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional…that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, “Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy laddle. You don’t suppose he took it, do you?”
The Pastor said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write him a letter.” So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Father, I’m not saying you did take the gravy laddle and I’m not saying you did not take the gravy laddle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner.”
The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: “Dear Father Pastor, I’m not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy laddle.”