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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this hedge.”

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, “My God Mary … have you changed your sex?”

“No,” she replies. “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

“Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.”

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t do it again.”

The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.”

Chuck’s face lit up. “Ms Jones?! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!”

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
road when they
saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
One of the men
turned to the other and said, “I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night
with her.” To their
surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, “I’ll
take you up on
that.” She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
companion ‘good
night’, he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
to bed. The following
morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
money.”If you
don’t give me the remaining $25 I’ll sue you for it.” He laughed,
saying, “I’d like to see
you get it on those grounds!” The next day,he was surprised to receive
a summons
ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
to his atorney and
explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, “She can’t
possibly get a judgment
against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
case will be
presented.” After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
court as follows:-
Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
property, a garden spot
surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
rent to the Defendant
for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
Defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
which it was rented, but
upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
amount. The rent was by
no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
Judgment be
granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
Defendant’s lawyer was
impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
His defense was,
therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
present it.
Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
property,that he did rent
such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
his stones,
erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
personally. We claim
these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
unpaid amount and that the
plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
rental of the said
property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
The young lady’s lawyer’s comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
agrees that the
Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
improvements such as my
opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
existed, he would
not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
Defendant removed
his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
doing, he not only
dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
the cleaning up, but
he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
making it very easily
accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there
came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away
at once, eyes wide with alarm.
“Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.”
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,
then demurred. “I can’t,” he said, “we’re on the thirteenth floor.”
“For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation,
“is this a time to be superstitious?”

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love!’” “Beeeep!”

“Uh, yeah.. this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!”

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