A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments – lack of sleep, no drive, very
little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is
suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his
“Well, if you must know,” said the patient, “I cannot stand my wife. She’s made my life unbearable. I fantasize all
the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you’ll give me some kind of untraceable
poison to give her, so I may end my misery.”
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, “Besides, you’ll get
life in prison yourself, at best. I’ll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her
coffee. You can then ‘love her to death’. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too
much. She’ll be gone in a month at best.”
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife’s coffee the very next morning. Three
weeks later, the doctor hasn’t heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend’s
house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it’s a warm Spring day.
The man’s face was gaunt and pale, he’d lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, “What
the Hell happened ???”
The man said, “I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day
and nite.” Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim
and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her
husband cackled and said to the doctor, “Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn’t a lick of sense. If she only knew
she has less than a week to live she wouldn’t be so God damn frisky.”
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker, the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”
“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says. “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose- fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”
A man needs a room for the night. He stops at an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper says that he doesn’t have any rooms available but there is one big bed in a room that he can share with another man but he must warn him that the man snores so bad that no one can stand it.
The traveler says that would be fine. Next morning he comes down all smiles and tells the innkeeper that he had a great nights sleep.
The innkeeper was shocked and asked the man how he was able to sleep with all that noise.
The man said, “Simple, when I got in the room I leaned over and kissed the man on the cheek and said ‘have a good night, beautiful’. He stayed awake all night watching me.”
A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money.
On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five
“Oh darling!” she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?”
“No”, says the old fellow, “it means that you can pick one out.”
Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.
He dropped by Batman’s house. “Hey Batman,” he said. “Wanna’ go out tonight?”
“No, I can’t,” replied Batman. “The Batmobile is broken and I gotta’ stay home and fix it, or else I won’t be able to fight crime.”
“You loser,” said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.
He then decided to stop by Spiderman’s house. “Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me,” he said.
“I’d love to, but I can’t,” replied Spiderman. “My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime.”
Superman, all disgusted, quipped: “You loser. Go ahead–stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger.”
He again flew away.
While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!
Superman thought, “Hey, I’m Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she’ll never know the difference!”
Wonder Woman said, “What the hell was that?”
The Invisible Man said, “I don’t know, but it hurt like hell!”
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability”.
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When I’m out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!”
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who… , well… had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, “What’s left in here?”
“Oh yes,” he said, “Multiple orgasms… “
“What’s this I hear about you breaking off your engagement?” asked Julie.
“Well,” Sharon confirmed, “Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.”
My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, “Did I call you or did you call me?”
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every
time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day
and said, “Just how much is that watch?”
“It’s $2000, ma’am.”
“Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?”
“Just what sort of ‘time schedule’ did you have in mind?”
“I was thinking two times a week for the next two months.”