While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn’t enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: “What happened, did I hurt you?”
“Why no, not at all,” said his surprised wife. “Whatever made you ask that?”
“Well, no reason actually,” the bored husband replied with a sigh, “It’s just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved.”
(this is a gross one…)
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
“C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?” he asks.
She replied, “I will… if you have sex with me.”
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
“You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!” he tells them. “She said we could have water if I had sex with her.”
“Why didn’t you then?” asks he second guy.
“Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn’t do it!”
“Oh, you are such a wuss. I’ll go up to the door,” the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
“W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa……” He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
“Water? Yes, I have water,” she says knowingly. “But you have to have sex with me.”
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
“What do you want for some water?”
“You have to have sex with me.”
Knowing that if he doesn’t do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
“Do me here,” she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
“Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!”
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
“Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars.”
“Then lay back and close your eyes again.”
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn’t even open her eyes.
“If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert.”
“Eyes closed,” he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
“Ohhhhhhhhh…….. The water, money and Jeep are outside,” she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, “Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!”
This fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when he suddenly stopped
and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. “What the
hell is your problem?” the lady asked. “I feel like a regular son of a
bitch, getting my best friends pussy,” the man moaned. The lady reached
over and patted him on the back. “Well, if that’s all it is, you can stop
worrying,” she said. “You’re not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to
six inches deeper.”
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
A young girl is speaking with her father.
“Daddy, what’s that between your legs?”
“That’s my hedgehog.”
“Wow, it’s got a massive cock.”
- Vibrators don’t have problems with gas … Nor do they hog the remote … Nor the computer!
- We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
- Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.
- Position is your choice, not his.
- You don’t have to suck it.
- It works “while” the sports games are on.
- It always is hard.
- It doesn’t leave a mess behind.
- You don’t have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
- It doesn’t care that you gained 10 lbs.
- It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
- You don’t have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
- You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.
- You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
- They don’t get tired after the first time.
- They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
- They never drink too much and embarrass you.
- You don’t have to tell the vibrator he’s the best you ever had!
- Vibrators don’t prematurely ejaculate.
- Safe sex without a rubber.
- Vibrators don’t ask who your Daddy is.
- Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.
- You don’t have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
- As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!
- Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
- Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!
- They never ask how they were.
- They don’t burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
- You don’t have to dress up for your vibrator.
- You don’t have to stroke its ego.
- They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
- It doesn’t leave a wet spot.
- You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.
- It doesn’t require “a little lip action” to get hard
- It has no problem finding the “g spot.”
- You know exactly where its been.
- Vibrators don’t care if you get crumbs in the bed.
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not
gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only
yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging
her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for
you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one
another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him
for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night
there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks “Why the panties?”
She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore, but down there I am still in mourning,” He knows he’s
not getting lucky that night. The following night the same
scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he
in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he
has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this… a black
He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”
An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, “How do you breathe out of that thing?”
SOCIAL SECURITY No:_____________________
HOME PHONE No.:_________________________
OFFICE PHONE No.:________________________
Male – Female
Female – Female
Male – Male
All of the Above
None of the Above – Please Specify:_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: ____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ____________________
Eye-to-Bust Contact: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
Hands on body: ________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
Penetration (however slight): ___________________
All of the Above: ___________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL_____I WILL NOT_____
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products, appliances, etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of sustaining apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone But: ______________________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to performance rating and evaluation.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing
where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader. “There’s a very
dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less
seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was
the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a
brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s
“WOW!” exclaimed the oldest of the group. “I know which
merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”