One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” God said.
Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time.”
This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card. She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards – something unusual.
The clerk points her to a new card just in that day – “Happy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry.”
The blonde replied, “How cool! I’ll take the whole box!”
Confucious say: “Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand.”
Uncle Jack and Aunty Mable
Fainted at the breakfast table.
Let this be an awful warning…
Not to do it in the morning.
Ovaltine has put them right,
Now they do it morn and night.
Uncle Jack is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.
Hark the herald angels sing,
Ovaltine is a damned good thing!
The sex of a bee is hard to see
But he can tell and so can she.
The queen is quite a busy soul
She has no time for birth control.
And that is why in times like these,
There are so many sons of bees.
There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they found an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy.
They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying the row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle. “Gee,” said one of them to the nurse, “He sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn’t he?”
“Oh, he’s quiet now,” said the nurse, “But he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass.”
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments – lack of sleep, no drive, very
little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is
suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his
“Well, if you must know,” said the patient, “I cannot stand my wife. She’s made my life unbearable. I fantasize all
the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you’ll give me some kind of untraceable
poison to give her, so I may end my misery.”
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, “Besides, you’ll get
life in prison yourself, at best. I’ll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her
coffee. You can then ‘love her to death’. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too
much. She’ll be gone in a month at best.”
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife’s coffee the very next morning. Three
weeks later, the doctor hasn’t heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend’s
house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it’s a warm Spring day.
The man’s face was gaunt and pale, he’d lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, “What
the Hell happened ???”
The man said, “I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day
and nite.” Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim
and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her
husband cackled and said to the doctor, “Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn’t a lick of sense. If she only knew
she has less than a week to live she wouldn’t be so God damn frisky.”
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker, the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”
“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says. “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose- fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”
A man needs a room for the night. He stops at an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper says that he doesn’t have any rooms available but there is one big bed in a room that he can share with another man but he must warn him that the man snores so bad that no one can stand it.
The traveler says that would be fine. Next morning he comes down all smiles and tells the innkeeper that he had a great nights sleep.
The innkeeper was shocked and asked the man how he was able to sleep with all that noise.
The man said, “Simple, when I got in the room I leaned over and kissed the man on the cheek and said ‘have a good night, beautiful’. He stayed awake all night watching me.”