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A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They’re having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure – she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible – best sex he’d ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, “I think her orgasm’s stuck!”

From the new 2000 All GAY Version of ‘Sound of Music’…

Big dykes with small dogs and butches with kittens;
Diesels in tall boots with chains on their mittens;
Femmes in their lipstick with rings in their nose;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Men who can cook and make great apple strudels;
Women who think and can sure use their noodles;
Some who like dressing in black leather clothes;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Men in tight dresses with gold lame sashes;
Makeup and high heels and long false eyelashes;
Men who have muscles and men who wear hose;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

REFRAIN:

When the right wing
Spews its hatred
And it makes me sad,
I simply remember the gays that I know And then I don’t
feel – - – so bad.

Doctors and nurses and students and teachers;
Soldiers and singers and actors and preachers;
Lawyers who fight in the courts with our foes;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Nieces and uncles and sisters and brothers;
Parents who live with significant others;
Brave sons and daughters who let their love show;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

Young politicians with courage and vision;
Leaders with guts who can make a decision;
Those in the closets and those on the go;
These are a few of the gays that I know.

REFRAIN:

First Anita,
then it’s Limbaugh,
It just makes you mad,
But always remember the gays that you know and then you
won’t feel – - – so bad!

There was this guy. He often went away on trips, far from home, Long trips. While this man was away on his trips, his wife would get very very dissatisfied. Thus, she cheated on him, but when he came back, she felt guilty, so she always told him. Well, after a while, the man got very frustrated with his wife’s adultry, so he went to an adult toy shop. He looked around, but saw nothing special.
The man knew he needed something special, so he decided to tell the salesclerk. “I need something really amazing for my wife. All I see here are normal toys.”
“Well, there is the voodoo dick, but I don’t want to sell you THAT.” replied the clerk.
“Let me see it anyway!” Answered the man.
The salesclerk took him into a room and pulled out a box. He opened the box, and inside was something that looked like a normal toy.
“That’s not special!” cried the man.
“Ah, but look. Voodoo dick, THE DOOR.” The dick in the box got up and began to hump the door.
“I’ll take that, but how do you get it to stop?”
The salesclerk sold him the voodoo dick, then, said simply “Voodoo dick? The box.”
So the man took voodoo dick back home to his wife and showed her how to get it to hump something. Then, he left for a trip.
The wife waited and waited and waited, but she couldn’t stand her urges. She took out the voodoo dick and said “voodoo dick? My…” well, we know what she said. So, it was the best she had ever known, and she kept at it for about 3 hours. Then, she wanted it out. She pulled and pulled, but in vain, for her husband had forgotten to tell her about the little box trick. Finally, she decided to go to the hospital to get it out. She drove kind of wacky, well, because there was something in her. Finally, a police man pulled her over for her driving.
“But… ” She told the police man of the voodoo dick, to get out of the ticket.
He laughed at her foolish story. “Voodoo dick my ass!” he cried…

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store. Well, low and behold there were two older Indian women siting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation.

The one older Indian woman said, “Well I’m a Navajo and she is an Arapaho.”

One of the East Coast hookers said, “No Shit, Well, I’m a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho.”

Now gather round children and I’ll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill f*cked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn’t a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to f*ck her down.

Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died;
When down from Knoxville came Pisspot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.

Eighteen pounds of meat and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn’t a boy–he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I’ll swear it stretched from thar to………..thar.

Stunk like shit, I thought I’d die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.

People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.

Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!

Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.

With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!

Lill let out a scream, “I can’t take any more!”
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete’s eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.

When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill’s ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn’t pick up your feet!

Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete’s balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses and rode off West.

As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn’t wash away that whorehouse smell!

Now Old Pete died and went to hell:
F*cked the devil and his wife as well!
The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, “Get him out of here before he f*cks us all!”

He f*cked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two!

“Darling,” she whispered after they had finished making love,
“Will you still make love like that to me after we’re married ?”

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, “I think so.
I’ve always been especially fond of married women.”

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. “Follow me,” he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. “If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! But follow me, we’re almost there.”

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

“Why is it so damn cold down here?” Pete asks.

“Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” the devil replied.

Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, “Look, do you mind not staring at me? It’s making me uncomfortable.”

The other man says, “I’m sorry…My name is Jake. I’m gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I was wondering if you’d be interested in going out…”

Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. “I’m sorry, pal, but I’m a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer.”

Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the guy followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away.

He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all.

While Cisco was probing, Jake kept ‘ooo’ing and ‘aaahhh’ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was really wrong.

Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.

“My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your butt!!!” He shouted.

And Jake replied “READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!”

Q: Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
A: Is it in?

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