Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man
or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then
“Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little
finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better,
your finger or your ear?”
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes
to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and
takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but
in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf
bag and looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the
way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically
ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”
A sweet girl of eighteen is very eager to offer a small lovely “TRIANGULAR PLOT” for sale which is centrally located on the slop of the lower area but not observed or explored by anybody till date. For the last eighteen years the plot has been tenderly cared and looked after by the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best result even in the first planting.
For the last four years the plot was covered with shiny black curly grass which is very tender to touch. No machine has yet been used for trimming the grass which has now covered the whole area. Another thing which adds beauty of the plot is the fantastic pond hidden under it.
Offers are immediately invited from young men with firm and energetic capital which can be put in easily and this must give outflowing white liquid capital. The young men should be strong enough to plough in hard with his own tool. Although initially it will be hard and a bit difficult to cut open the gate seal. Once the capital is put in the entrance will not repent and will be delighted to have ventured into the site. Since the neighbors are waiting for an opportunity to the pounce this marvelous plot make haste to be first to enter into the site.
Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding the site is that the “DOUBLE HILLS” on the top of the said plot is already captured by the local students. Anyhow, they are not permitted to go down. Offer for lease or retail will not be accepted.
NB : ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
“Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
“Do you screw?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
“I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.
“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.
Mommy, mommy! What’s a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!
(To the tune of Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Carolina In The Morning)
Oh! Nothin’ could be finer than to be in a vagina…
in the mornin’.
Nothin’ could be sweeter than my sweetie when I
‘meat’ her in the mornin’.
All the little whories, hang around my door
Whisperin’ dirty stories, I never heard before.
Jumpin’ on my girlie, when the dew is pearly…
in the mornin’.
Dicky he just rises up, and slips into that
warm moist cup at dawnin’
If I had a Sultan’s harem, just for a day
I’d tell ‘em all, and here’s what I say.
Nothin’ could be finer than to be in a Vagina
in the mornin’!
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Leon… Your neighbor from four miles away… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Leon is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”
Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Leon turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there…by the way, what should I wear?”
Leon stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”
This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.
The lawyer asked, “How long are you having a sexual relationship?” “Years,
I tell you years” she replied. ” Thats no answer, you have to specify how
long has he intimated with you.” “I don’t know exactly, its average, about
A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.
In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife’s exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: “Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi’s a goner.”