Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride’s toast and coffee, she said,
“Honey, I don’t understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you’ve encountered a buzz saw.”
“That guy,” said the bride, “double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!”
20 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s
Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I
think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up
chicks.
46 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can’t see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
* * * * * * * * * *
A few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Thongs are encouraged… however only if certain conditions are met.
1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.
1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson’s Epic type movies.
2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits… plain and simple. Damn, I know it’s a sexist world, but it’s the world that we live in.
3) Curlers are strictly verboten.
63 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”
The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs,the body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put it between my legs, it will warm up.” He did, and his nose quickly warmed up.
Again, the next day, the boyfriend is driving with the daughter and he told her, “My penis is frozen solid.” She once again, gave her standard advice.
Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother. She asked, “Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?”
The slightly concerned Mother replied, “Sure, but why do you ask?”
The daughter answered, “Well, I just wondered……do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?”
7 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814), Sport (+1016)
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
9 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They
got to talk to the
mother superior.
“Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?”
“Sorry”, she replies, “but there are no dwarf nuns here”.
“Well, are there any in the city?”.
“No, there are no dwarf nuns”.
“What, none anywhere in Europe?”
“No, little man”. “None in the entire world”. “Take my word for it”.
At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.
The Mother Superior asks “What’s so funny?”. “Dopey just fucked a
penguin”.
15 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip — and there were still 5 shaves left!
11 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Marriage (+787), Sex (+4814)
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”
13 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a “Guaranteed” weight loss program. “Guaranteed like heck” he thinks to himself. “But let’s see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike’s and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.”
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of “treatment,” he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their “workout” schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok’s and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads “If you can catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
He is really looking forward to the next four days….For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. “I love this company,” he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!”
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7-day, 50-pound weight loss
program. “Are you sure, sir?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” says he, “I love your program. I haven’t felt this good in years!”
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If I can catch you, I can have you.”
8 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4814)
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey”, said the
young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No”, said
the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”
15 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
|
