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Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, “My dad’s tougher than your dad!”
“Oh yeah?” said Little Johnny, “My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for
Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, ‘Turn out the light, I
wanna eat it!’”

Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl’s destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

He asked. “No!” the director screamed, “You forgot the bloody rose!”

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,
John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,
Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph: “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window my husband is home early!” Ralph looked out the
window and said: “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining
like hell out there!” Mary cried: “If my husband catches us
in here, he will kill both of us!” So the boyfriend grabbed
his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside
he found himself in the middle of a marathon race… so he
started running along side the others – only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: “Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

The other runner then asked the nude man: “Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly: “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

The runner then asked: “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining.”

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, “Hi there little boy!!”

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies “Well…that is what size we imagine your penis to be…it is just a joke!”

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI THERE LADIES!”

* “I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”

* “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”

* “How come it’s so BIG in there?”

* “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before, right?”

* “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”

* (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”

* (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”

* “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”

* “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”

* “Do you know what a ‘douche’ is?”

* “Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.”

* “I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”

* “I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”

* “Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”

* “I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!”

* “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately…..”

* “You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”

* “You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don’t be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don’t be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey

9) If you go into heat, package your meat

10) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

11) Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake

12) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

13) If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

14) No glove, no love

15) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

16) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

17) It’s always funky to cage your monkey

18) Don’t be a fool cover your tool

19) Can your worm before you squirm

20) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

21) House your noodle then release your strudel

22) Sock that wanger before you bang her

23) While you’re undressing Venus, dress up your penis

24) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

An old man decides to go to his high school’s 50 year reunion. He hasn’t seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“Just fine, just fine,” she replies. “Although I do have some good news and bad news for you.”

“Bad news first please.”

“Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back.”

“Oh, that’s terrible,” he says. “What’s the good news?”

She says, “The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost.”

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”

“Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”

“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.

“Honey,” says Sophie, “On a day like that, I don’t do the laundry.”

© 2013
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