Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, “Do you want to see a magic trick?”
Second guy says, “Sure.”
“OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees.”
Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.
“There,” says the first one, “… does that feel like you’ve got a thumb up your ass?”
The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, “Magic!”
A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an
aspirin down his wife’s throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells,
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Just giving you an aspirin for your headache.” The bloke answered.
“But I ain’t got a headache,” she yelled back.
“Good then, Lets fuck!” said the bloke.
Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a week.
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can’t get a hard-on, but all night he has
to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting “One,
two three, uhh… one, two three, uhh… ” In the morning, the second
dwarf says to the first dwarf, “So how was it?” The first dwarf says,
“It sucked. I couldn’t get a hard-on all night.” The second dwarf says,
“You think that’s bad? I couldn’t even get up on the fucking bed.”
A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very erect.
He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.
When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the patrons of the bar.
“I’ll give any man who can do that $1000,” he says.
Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking guy stands up and says, “I’ll do it… as long as you promise not to hit me on the head when I’m done.”
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a
tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in
his headdress, “Why
the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?” His
reply was, “Me have only
one sqaw, me have only one feather.” She asked another Brave, feeling
the first fellow
was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He
replied, “Ugh; me
have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.” Still not
convinced the number of
feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to
interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to
say, amused Ms.
Walters. She asked the Chief, “Why do you have so many feathers in
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, “Me Chief. Me fuck-em
all. Big, small, fat,
tall. Me fuck-em all.” Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, “You ought to be
hung!” The Chief
replied, “You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like
snake.” Ms. Walters
cried, “You don’t have to be so goddamned hostile!” The Chief replied,
style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!” With tears in her eyes,
Ms. Walters cried,
“Oh dear.” The Chief said, “No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high
and fuckers run
too fast. No fuck deer!”
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I’ve never looked