A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked the girl, “If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”
She agreed to and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100, she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car.
The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were still trapped in the car.
“Go get help,” he pleaded.
She replied, “I can’t, I’m naked.”
He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said, “Cover your privates with that and go get help.”
She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, “HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, “I’m sorry, Miss. He’s too far in.”
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said,
“This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!”
She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on
it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him
again. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged.
“There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!”
“Of course, Sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.
He heard the following, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”
There’s a kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house, he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.
When he walks in the house his mother, who was watching him through the window, says, “I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you’ll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you’ll have no eggs for a week.”
The kid was about to say something when his father walks through the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. Then he says to his mother, “You want to tell him or should I?”
Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man
or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then
“Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little
finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better,
your finger or your ear?”
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes
to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and
takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but
in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf
bag and looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the
way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically
ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”
A sweet girl of eighteen is very eager to offer a small lovely “TRIANGULAR PLOT” for sale which is centrally located on the slop of the lower area but not observed or explored by anybody till date. For the last eighteen years the plot has been tenderly cared and looked after by the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best result even in the first planting.
For the last four years the plot was covered with shiny black curly grass which is very tender to touch. No machine has yet been used for trimming the grass which has now covered the whole area. Another thing which adds beauty of the plot is the fantastic pond hidden under it.
Offers are immediately invited from young men with firm and energetic capital which can be put in easily and this must give outflowing white liquid capital. The young men should be strong enough to plough in hard with his own tool. Although initially it will be hard and a bit difficult to cut open the gate seal. Once the capital is put in the entrance will not repent and will be delighted to have ventured into the site. Since the neighbors are waiting for an opportunity to the pounce this marvelous plot make haste to be first to enter into the site.
Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding the site is that the “DOUBLE HILLS” on the top of the said plot is already captured by the local students. Anyhow, they are not permitted to go down. Offer for lease or retail will not be accepted.
NB : ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
“Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
“Do you screw?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
“I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.
“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.
Mommy, mommy! What’s a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!
(To the tune of Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Carolina In The Morning)
Oh! Nothin’ could be finer than to be in a vagina…
in the mornin’.
Nothin’ could be sweeter than my sweetie when I
‘meat’ her in the mornin’.
All the little whories, hang around my door
Whisperin’ dirty stories, I never heard before.
Jumpin’ on my girlie, when the dew is pearly…
in the mornin’.
Dicky he just rises up, and slips into that
warm moist cup at dawnin’
If I had a Sultan’s harem, just for a day
I’d tell ‘em all, and here’s what I say.
Nothin’ could be finer than to be in a Vagina
in the mornin’!