Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”
Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, What was her maiden name?”
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink
and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. “Is this your
husband?” he inquires nervously.
“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?”
“No, don’t be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, “If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?”
“Hell no!” the guy said.
The stranger then asked, “If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?”
The man said, “Of course not.”
“Wanna go camping?”
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride’s toast and coffee, she said,
“Honey, I don’t understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you’ve encountered a buzz saw.”
“That guy,” said the bride, “double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!”
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, “Wow,
Which woke Ed.
“What’s going on?” said Ed.
“I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife.” said Ted.
“How come?” said Ed.
“To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I’ve ever had in my
life!” said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?” said Ted.
“Because that’s my dick you’re holding,” said Ed.