Read all jokes from: Kids (+2426), Sex (+4816)
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say “Hi there little boy!”
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: “well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be… it is just a joke!”
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI THERE LADIES!
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.
“My dear,” said the New York matron snobbishly, “Here in the East we think breeding is everything.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” the lady from the Midwest replied. “Out where I come from we think it’s fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.”
A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”
“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
22 views |
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES..
With partners’ consent 12
Without partners’ consent 187
UNHOOKING BRA..
Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96
GETTING INTO BED..
Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3
ACHIEVING ERECTION..
For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115
PUTTING ON RUBBER..
With erection 1.5
Without erection 300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM..
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72
If a man does it, regardless of experience 680
(add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room!)
With womans consent 50
Without womans consent 300
INSERTION..
If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274
ORGASM..
Real 27
Faked 160
POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS..
Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27
ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE..
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn’t change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50
PULLING OUT..
After orgasm 0.5
Just before orgasm 500
PENIS ENVY..
For woman 3
For man 72
AGGRAVATION FACTORS..
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40
GETTING CAUGHT..
By partners’ spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY..
Italian..man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian..woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English..side by side with lights off 10
Scots..woman on top, man on whisky 69
American..both on top 60
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE..
Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her
students on sexual morality. “In moments of temptation,” said the speaker
to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure
worth a lifetime of shame?”
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: “How do you make
it last an hour?”
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Read all jokes from: Marriage (+786), Sex (+4816)
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?”
The big guy says, “I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.”
His friend says, “You know, that don’t sound too bad.”
The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.”
51 views |
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
John pulled over the car by the side of the road and
showed Brian where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,”
“That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.
“Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was
standing right there watching us.”
“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?”
“Baaaaaaa.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks “Why the panties?”
She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this… a black condom?”
He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.
Grandpa’s doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl
could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed
replied “Oh well, if she dies, I’ll just get myself another one.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A little girl asks her father, “where do little girls come from?”
The father says, “they come from a hard-on.”
The little girl then asks her father, “where does a hard-on come from?”
The father says, “little girls!”
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