There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So, the first fellow did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How’d it turn out?”
“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, “I’ll see you in two hours!”
A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East.
The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, “Lady, I’ll give you ten dollars for a blowjob.”
The Texan was appalled. He pulled out his pistol, shot the greenhorn right between the eyes, and shoved his body out the door.
The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!”
The Texan holstered his gun and said, “Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars.”
Janey was walking down North Main Street in Danville. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming “Fresh from Warsaw-World’s Largest Sausage.”
Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must’ve been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.
“That’s a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage,” she thought. “Oh well, I’ll try anything once.”
So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.
“Hey, what the hell are you doing?” cried Janey in dismay. “What do you think I am? A slot machine?”
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.
He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!”
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
“Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”
“Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.
“Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
“Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “Aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”
My sex life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.