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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:

“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:

“RETURNED UNOPENED”

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

“Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”

“No!” she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

“Do you screw?” he asked.

“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

“I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.

“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

Mommy, mommy! What’s a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!

(To the tune of Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Carolina In The Morning)

Oh! Nothin’ could be finer than to be in a vagina…
in the mornin’.
Nothin’ could be sweeter than my sweetie when I
‘meat’ her in the mornin’.

All the little whories, hang around my door
Whisperin’ dirty stories, I never heard before.

Jumpin’ on my girlie, when the dew is pearly…
in the mornin’.
Dicky he just rises up, and slips into that
warm moist cup at dawnin’

If I had a Sultan’s harem, just for a day
I’d tell ‘em all, and here’s what I say.

Nothin’ could be finer than to be in a Vagina
in the mornin’!

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Leon… Your neighbor from four miles away… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Leon is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Leon turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there…by the way, what should I wear?”

Leon stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.
The lawyer asked, “How long are you having a sexual relationship?” “Years,
I tell you years” she replied. ” Thats no answer, you have to specify how
long has he intimated with you.” “I don’t know exactly, its average, about
six inches”

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife’s exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: “Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi’s a goner.”

An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: “Dad, how do us Indians get our names?”

“It’s very simple,” replies the chief. “Your oldest brother was born by a river, so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in the early morning, so we call him Rising Sun. Why do you ask Broken Rubber?”

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”

“How so?”

“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”

Two GI’s in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench
for three days when one needs a shit.
“I can’t go in here” he says” It’s really going to stink”
“There’s another trench over there” says the other.
“I’ll cover you with the M60… just give me a shout and
and i’ll cover you so you can get back”
“OK” so the GI runs across while the other fires off the
machine gun.
He’s waiting 10 minutes… 15… 20…
he shouts out “Are you Ok?”… nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.
“Cover me i`m coming back”
When he jumps back in, his mate says “Where the fuck have
you been? you’ve been gone for over an hour”
“Yeah, I know. There’s a girl in there, I played with her
tits,fondled her arse,turned her round and fucked her from
behind!”
“It was great!”
“You lucky Bastard” said the other “did you get a blow job?”
“nah” said the other,disappointedly” she didn’t have a head”

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