A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, “If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?”
“Hell no!” the guy said.
The stranger then asked, “If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?”
The man said, “Of course not.”
“Wanna go camping?”
Did you know there are serial number on condoms… No?.
I guess you didn’t roll them down far enough.
There’s no business like show business, but there’s no job like a blowjob.
The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They
got to talk to the
“Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?”
“Sorry”, she replies, “but there are no dwarf nuns here”.
“Well, are there any in the city?”.
“No, there are no dwarf nuns”.
“What, none anywhere in Europe?”
“No, little man”. “None in the entire world”. “Take my word for it”.
At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.
The Mother Superior asks “What’s so funny?”. “Dopey just fucked a
Patient: Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get
close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I
get sick to my stomach.
Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.
Patient sticks out his tongue…
Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what’s up.
“Well,” she replied, “Not everyone is as cheap as you are.”
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”
The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”
The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this,
the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says “What’s up?”
The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and
he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says “He did?!”
The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says “My God, what happened next?!”
The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”
There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, “We’ll just take a
big hunk off the end.” They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it.” They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk off the base of
it.” They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, “Can’t we
just make his legs longer?”
Seven wise men smarter than shit,
decided to make a pair of tits.
First was a miner who came from the ground,
Grabbed a shovel and made two mounds.
Next was a sculptor after being soothed,
With skillful hands he made them smooth.
Third was a mattress maker who was a bit sleazy,
But worked on the boobs to make them squeezy.
Fourth came a tailor who could tuck and nip,
At the top of it he made a tip.
Fifth was a farmer that gave them milk,
Coming from the tip smooth as silk.
Sixth was a father that burst out and said,
“If she feeds the kids, I stay in bed!”
Finally was a pimp who said with some spit,
after licking and sucking, “This is definitely a tit!”