- Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you.
- Fox is starting a new show about you: “America’s Least Wanted.”
- You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets.
- The babes just don’t seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform.
- You’re taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders.
- You have one of those handsome Ito beards … and you’re a woman.
- The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration.
- You spend your vacation chasin’ lizards.
- The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy.
- You ain’t a Gingrich, but your nickname’s “Newt.”
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, “What’s going on here? You keep saying, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit.”
“Well,” says the guy, “My friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?”
“He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we’re picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!! We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!! I just know we’re gonna die!! So I turn to him and say …”Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!!”
“DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!” ….. (SPIT)
As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked “Registration” and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.
“It’s quite simple,” said the receptionist. “This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”
“Cool,” said the guy. “Count me in!” So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.” A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: “Beware of Gays.”
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, “Sorry, you’ve had two warnings!”
A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how
much it would cost to repair the condom.
The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he
could sell the private a new one.
The private said, “Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in
two hours with an answer.”
Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
“The regiment has voted to replace.”
There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next
morning found out that she was six months pregnant.
Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,
and he says, “How much?”
She says, “Twenty bucks.”
He says, “All right.”
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he
runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time
while he’s banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get
done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, “What the extra five?”
He says, “That’s for blowing the sand off my balls.”
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, “So … how was I?”
“Well,” she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um…
little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor
and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for
her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
“listen, I don’t do this for everyone, but since your husband’s
on his way out… Get this prescription, and put three drops in his
milk before he goes to bed.” The wife is very happy and thanks the
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, “well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa
application. The border official look s over his shoulder,
and sees the tourist trying to write ‘Twice a week’ into
the small space labeled ‘SEX’.
The official explains: “No, no, no. That is not what we
mean by this question. We are asking ‘Male’ or ‘Female’.”
“Doesn’t matter,” the tourist answers.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren!” POOF!! She is gone.
The second nun says, “I want-a to be Madonna!” POOF!! She is gone.
The third nun says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipilini.”
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name is unfamiliar to me.”
The nun takes a newspaper out and hands it to him.
He reads the paper and starts laughing, then hands it back to her and says, “No, sister. This paper says, ‘Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days.”