Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these key “signs.”
1. Woman won’t unlock car door for man. – Doesn’t engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. – No foreplay.
3. Can’t hail a cab. – Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. – Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. – Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. – Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. – Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. – Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. – Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. – Won’t swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n’ Low. – Wearing falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. – Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. – Will give you a hand job but will not go “all the way.”
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. – Will say she’s using birth control when when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as “The lady will have…” – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.
17. Asks for “the usual” – Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. – Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. – Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn’t finish everything on plate. – Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. – Will make you sleep on wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. – Will never call you.
23. Changes tables. – Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. – Fakes orgasms (female).
25. Orders in French. – Fakes orgasms (male).
26. Sends food back. – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. – Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. – Wants a handjob.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. – Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.
31. Credit card is refused. – Low sperm count.
32. Undertips waiter. – Small penis.
33. Undertips parking valet. – Small penis.
34. Undertips cabbie. – Small penis.
35. Uses toothpick. – Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything.
36. Removable cassette player in car. – Pull outs repeatedly during sex.
37. Cellular phone in car. – Penile implant.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password.
It’s her turn to guess the word.
Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick!
Nancy: Um. . . is it a place?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Is it a person?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I
might want to eat?
Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.
Nancy: Is it black dick?
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Read all jokes from: LGBT (+289)
Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, “Look, do you mind not staring at me? It’s making me uncomfortable.”
The other man says, “I’m sorry…My name is Jake. I’m gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I was wondering if you’d be interested in going out…”
Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. “I’m sorry, pal, but I’m a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer.”
Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the guy followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away.
He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all.
While Cisco was probing, Jake kept ‘ooo’ing and ‘aaahhh’ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was really wrong.
Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.
“My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your butt!!!” He shouted.
And Jake replied “READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
Two nuns decide they’re going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they’ve finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent’s grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they’re crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, “I feel like a marine.”
The second replies, “Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he’s just made.
“Olympic condoms?” she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors,” he explains, “gold, silver and bronze.”
“So what color are you gonna wear tonight?” she asks with a grin.
“Gold of course,” says the proud man.
The wife responds, “Why don’t you wear silver — it would be nice if you came second for a change!”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, “Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker.”
John couldn’t back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.
As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.
Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed.
So John said “Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too.”
The guys looked confused and said, “What makes you think that?”
John replied “Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo — so you don’t have a girlfriend named Wendy?”
The black guys laughed and responded, “No mon, that tattoo says, “Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
There’s no business like show business, but there’s no job like a blowjob.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
For me, penises are a hobby… kinda like fishing… The small ones you
throw back, The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and The big ones
you mount.”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
Having a session with the wise master
Hand start the one eyed yogurt thrower
Memory Bank Spank
Getting jiggy with it
Cleaning the snorkel
Mugging the Kojak Doll
Giving flipper a backrub
Making pudding’
Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
Making sewer babies
Dating the palm sisters
Cocking the Gun
Filling up the belly button well
Conditioning the leather
Rubbing one off
Satisfying King Solomon
Inflating the Zeppelin
Massaging the Marrionette, no strings attached
Extracting a core sample
Enforcing the “No Fly Zone”
Digital Manipulation of the Coital Apparatus
Testing out the magic love wand
The Rise and Fall of Peter the Great
Firing the Surgeon General
Squeaky the squirrel
Taking Herman to the circus
Freeing the soldiers of love
Boobytrapping a toilet seat
Galloping the lizard
Five finger boogie on the blue vein
Tickling little Tommy behind the ear
Walking the one eyed dog
Making gravy
Humping the old hand
Greasing The Baseball Bat
One man tug of War
Hang The Hamster
5 Digit Disco
Rocking the lil’ man in the boat
The disappearing cigar trick
Male polishing the stinger
Checking the tweeters
Shaking hands with the wife’s wedding present
Launching the heat seeking moisture missile
Filleting the trouser trout
Jerking my johnson
Lathering the Latin love lance
Bending to the will of the one eyed purple warrior
Spew from the column of delight
Honking bobo
Riding the one eyed wonder horse
Saying hello to my little friend
Prostate Maintenance
Honking the burrito
Pickle dancing
Skipping rocks off the lake of love
Shaving the cucumber
Faxing a hard copy to the Castro
Walking the dog
Using the Force
Flogging the dolphin
Whipping up some baby batter
Feeding your trouser-mouse
Jolting the bean
Cock the cannon
Supply and Demand
Putting mayo on the knuckle sandwich
Doing the hand-jive
Firing the photon torpedoes
Shooting putty at the moon
The sperm manicure
Putting the dog’s eye out
Rubbing the nub
Saying hi to big Jim and the twins
Verifying your manhood
Worshiping the fist prince
Yanking the penal cord
Flushing babies
The two fisted monkey slap
The blob blaster
Spewing crude
Wank your crank
Skanking the pickle
Smacking the pudge
Unrolling the turtle neck
Unsheathing the shlong
Shining the helmet
Dressing up like the mail man
Spit shining the trophy
Making love with miss Right
Spin the humming top
Letting off a few wrist rockets
Freeing the Willies
Petting the Parrot
Punching the Munchkin
Spanking the Monkey
Slapping the Salami
Choking the Chicken
Caressing the Cucumber
Doing the Mighty Wang Chung
Shining the Shaft
Tweaking the Totem Pole
Lubricating the Piston
Beating the Meat
Arming the Torpedo
Playing One Arm Bandit
Playing One Eyed Bandit
Playing the Skin Flute
Fondling the Fountain
Churning Butter
It’s the Middle School Rodeo
Knuckle Shuffle on the Piss Pump
Gushing the Geyser
Milking the Heifer
Squeezing the Squirrel
Jerking Off
Pulling the Pud
Pulling a Pee-Wee
Going Blind
Growing Hair on the Palms
Waxing the Dolphin
Beating the Bishop
Jerking the Gherkin
Whacking Off
Pounding the Pepperoni
Cleaning the Canoli
Special Saucing the Big Mac
Fondling the Fahita
Banging the Burrito
Heisting the Jewels
Hustling the Hog
Waxing the T-Bird
Polishing the Rocket
Getting Your Pole Varnished
Chaffing the chimp
Making the Meat-Whistle
Torching the Taliwacker
Giving it a Tug
Shaking Hands with the Unemployed
Beating the boner
Handling the hard on
Yanking your chain
Sanding the woody
Lubricating the love stick
Sharpening the pencil
Tickling old one-eye
Making the Cyclops fight the five headed monster until he cries
Grabbing the grouse
Spackling the ceiling
Bopping the baloney
Pumping the gas
Draining the main vein
Worshiping the finger prince
Pumping the revolver
Shooting the 6 shooter
Polishing the family jewels
Waxing your Rocket
Spilling milk
Working the glue stick
Pleasing the turtle
Playing “hookey”
Walking the bearded one-eyed love dog
Beating the piss outta my best friend
Making a knuckle hot dog
Cuffing the carrot
Chugging the choo-choo
Making “Love” in the hand
Squeezing the cream out of the flesh Twinkie(tm)
Making Johnny Walker red
Playing Rumple Foreskin
Wrestling the Bald Headed Champ
Punching the Clown
Plucking the duck
Choking the snake
Tugging the Tapioca Tube
Getting to be better friends with Willy
Stretching before strenuous exercise
Taming Goliath
Corralling the Tadpoles
Jacking my Mule
Flogging yer dummy
Roughing up the suspect (‘Cause you know he’s guilty)
Putting miles on your monkey
Getting a little off-hand
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4816)
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. “Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.
“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”
“You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.
“Sectional schmectional.” she bitterly retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”
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