Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.”
A schoolteacher says, “We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.”
An airline stewardess says, “Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.”
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.
It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and
young George was pretty excited.
“Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.
“George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up
at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice
orderly fashion.” said Sam.
“Okay, I can do that.” George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam
said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more
“Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and
you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.
“OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.
“Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will
let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?”
“Sure” says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one
end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember’s Sam’s
instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to
say – “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am,
thank you ma’am, sorry Sam, thank you ma’am.”
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”
“Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”
“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.
“Honey,” says Sophie, “On a day like that, I don’t do the laundry.”
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says, “I really want a drink.”
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, “What’s the name of your penis?”
The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike,’ for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers,’ because ‘It really Satisfies.”
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?”
The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”
The thirsty customer asks, “Why Timex?”
The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!”
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you call your penis?”
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because ‘Quality is Job 1.’ ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?”
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is ‘Secret.’ Now give me my beer.”
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?”
The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,
to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you
look so depressed.
She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me… six
dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I’m going to have to
spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.
Now that’s really silly, why don’t you use a vase?