Forty years later, they’re in the same hotel room they spent their
honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed,
spreads her legs…
Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.
She says, “What’s the matter?”
He says, “Forty years ago, I couldn’t wait to eat it, and now, NOW… ”
“Now?” she asks.
“Now, it looks like it can’t wait to eat ME!”
- Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you.
- Fox is starting a new show about you: “America’s Least Wanted.”
- You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets.
- The babes just don’t seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform.
- You’re taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders.
- You have one of those handsome Ito beards … and you’re a woman.
- The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration.
- You spend your vacation chasin’ lizards.
- The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy.
- You ain’t a Gingrich, but your nickname’s “Newt.”
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, “What’s going on here? You keep saying, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit.”
“Well,” says the guy, “My friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?”
“He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we’re picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!! We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!! I just know we’re gonna die!! So I turn to him and say …”Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!!”
“DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!” ….. (SPIT)
As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked “Registration” and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.
“It’s quite simple,” said the receptionist. “This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”
“Cool,” said the guy. “Count me in!” So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.” A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: “Beware of Gays.”
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, “Sorry, you’ve had two warnings!”
A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how
much it would cost to repair the condom.
The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he
could sell the private a new one.
The private said, “Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in
two hours with an answer.”
Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
“The regiment has voted to replace.”