Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello luv, how’s about us going for a walk together.”
“How dare you,” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well then,” said the beggar, “What are you doing in my bed?”
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trenchcoats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.
One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, “I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!”
There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
“I’ll get the door,” says the first ovary. She looks out the peep hole and says, “Did you order furniture?”
No why?” asks the other ovary.
“Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”
(this is a gross one…)
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
“C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?” he asks.
She replied, “I will… if you have sex with me.”
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
“You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!” he tells them. “She said we could have water if I had sex with her.”
“Why didn’t you then?” asks he second guy.
“Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn’t do it!”
“Oh, you are such a wuss. I’ll go up to the door,” the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
“W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa……” He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
“Water? Yes, I have water,” she says knowingly. “But you have to have sex with me.”
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
“What do you want for some water?”
“You have to have sex with me.”
Knowing that if he doesn’t do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
“Do me here,” she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
“Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!”
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
“Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars.”
“Then lay back and close your eyes again.”
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn’t even open her eyes.
“If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert.”
“Eyes closed,” he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
“Ohhhhhhhhh…….. The water, money and Jeep are outside,” she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, “Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!”