Joke's Database
Have fun of 100264 entries!

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You’re absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night. Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing.”

The second nun looks up and says, “This one does!”

This woman goes to her husband. “The car has a flat tire” she told him.
“Does it look like I have ‘firestone’ written on my head?” he replied.
“Ugh” she walked outta the room.
The next day when her husband walked in from work she said.
“The dishwasher down.” She told him.
“Does it look like I have ‘whirlpool’ written on my forehead?”
“Ugh”
The next her husband came home and asked her.
“How did u get this stuff done?”
“The guy next door told me he’d fix them if I gave him a blow job or if I baked him a cake.”
“Oh what kinda cake did ya bake him?” he asked her.
“Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. “So me and
my cousin were alone in the house,” she continued, “and went up to my
bedroom… ”
“Go on, my child,” said the priest gently.
“I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand
on my… on my… ”
“Go on.”
“On my pussy,” stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
“And touched me and touched me until I couldn’t help myself.”
“Yes, go on,” the priest directed.
“I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,”
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, “and he began to
shove it in me so hard… ”
“Yes, yes… Go on,” he urged, breathing hard.
“And then we heard the front door slam – ”
“Oh, SHIT!!!!

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, “How bad is it, doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The one who was giving the party said, “We’ve blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I’ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.

Next, it was the birthday boy’s turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, “Well, I’d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

15. 180 degrees shy of heaven

14. Performing with Flacido Domingo

13. A few parts shy of an erector set

12. Sch-wing and a miss

11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense

10. The Null Monte

9. Disappointing Miss Daisy

8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics

7. Ascension Deficit Disorder

6. Bouncing the Check of Love

5. Less-than-Magic Johnson

4. All Doled up with nowhere to go

3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You

2. Serving boneless pork

1. Unleavened Man-Bread

Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she’d
had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.
“Well, what happened when you got there?” Jill asked
“The bastard called me a slut!” Mary said.
“And what did you do then?” Jill asked, shocked.
“I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight
mates with him!” Mary said.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, “Hey Dad! What are
you doin?” His father says, “I’m filling your mother’s tank.” Johnny says,
“Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The
milkman filled her this morning.”

An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise, sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

The boy yells back, “Roll of chicken wire.”

The old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

The boy says, “Catch some chickens.”

The old man yells, “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by, and to the old man’s surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

The boy yells back, “Roll of duct tape.”

The old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

The boy says, “Catch me some ducks.”

The old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man’s amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

The boy says, “It’s a pussy willow.”

The old man says, “Hold on, I’ll get my hat.”

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