Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone,
and says, “I’ll be home in an hour.”
“Perfect,” she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no
wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I
won’t be there for about an hour and a half.”
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I
do?” he asks.
The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you
have a housekeeper around?”
“Yes” the man replied.
“Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said
the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra
with the housekeeper… “
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Read all jokes from: Golf (+379), Sex (+4815)
Rules of Play
Each player shall provide his own equipment – normally one club and two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.
The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one month.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
Q: What’s the difference between medium and rare?
A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet
young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth*
time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of
cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men’s room. He stood in
front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he
couldn’t find “it”.
After a couple of minutes “fishing around” he finally said, “Look,
it’s ok. She’s not here!”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
- In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
- In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
- Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
- The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)
- There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
- In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
- Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
- In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
- In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
- In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, however)
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
They start
raping the nuns and the first nun says, “Forgive them, Father, for
they know not what they
do!” The second one says, “This one does!”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you – especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?” There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain – prostitution.
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.
When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.
“I want to get screwed,” said the man.
“OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee,” answered the voice.
The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.
“Hey,” exclaimed the man, “I want to get screwed!”
“What?” said the voice, “Again?”
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Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!”
“That’s no ring! That’s my wristwatch.”
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