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A little boy and girl at school having lunch in the shelter shed.

“Tommy,” she said, “I’m not eating any more chicken sandwiches.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Cause I’m starting to grow feathers down here,” she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

“I don’t believe you!” he said. “You’ll have to show me.”

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

“Gee, you’re right,” he said. “I’ve been eating a lot of chicken, perhaps I’m getting feathers too.”

“Well, I’d better have a look,” she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, “Oh, I think it’s too late for you, you’ve got the neck and giblets too!”

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else!

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest
“Will I really sink if you take your finger out?”

Q: How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
A: By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest “weapon”. The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon… he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered… the
women swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played appropriate
music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered… the
women swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority… the King finally spoke out.
“I have the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered… the women swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners…
and the band played “God Save the Queen.”

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what’s up.
“Well,” she replied, “Not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

Q: Did you know that Rock Hudson was going to make a movie with Sylvester Stallone?
A: They were going to call it Ram-Butt.

A doctor’s advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm:
“Use it on every conceivable occasion.”

I can’t help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost
always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you’ve
heard men refer to their “performance”. Well, even these days I don’t
have a lot of trouble with that.

But… since I’m now past fifty, the “encores” are getting tuffer and
tuffer.

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. “So me and
my cousin were alone in the house,” she continued, “and went up to my
bedroom… ”
“Go on, my child,” said the priest gently.
“I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand
on my… on my… ”
“Go on.”
“On my pussy,” stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
“And touched me and touched me until I couldn’t help myself.”
“Yes, go on,” the priest directed.
“I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,”
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, “and he began to
shove it in me so hard… ”
“Yes, yes… Go on,” he urged, breathing hard.
“And then we heard the front door slam – ”
“Oh, SHIT!!!!

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