One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, “Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?”
“Of course, Son, we’re a family.”
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
“Hang on Dad!”, cries Billy, “this is where me and the mailman usually falls off!”
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says “I’ll show you” and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
“See that” said the trucker.
The man said “Yeah”.
The trucker ask the man “You want to try it?”
The man said “OK, but don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
“I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static,” she says.
“Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?” the clerk replies.
“Head Cleaner,” Mary replies.
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends?
“Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
- First Base – This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
- Second Base – Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
- Third Bas e- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
- Home Run – This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
- On Deck- Having plans for a date
- Strike-Out- Duh!!
- Walk- Kissing
- Bunt- Masturbation
- Single- Tongue kissing
- Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
- Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
- Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
- Home Run- SEX!
- Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
- Error- Condom breaks during sex
- Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
- Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
- Balk- Premature ejaculation
- Pine Tar- KY jelly
- Relief pitcher- Vibrator
- Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
- Box Seats- Waterbed
- Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
- Rookie- Virgin
- Minor Leagues- Under 18
- Loaded Bases- manage a trois
- Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
- Foul tip- VD
- Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.
I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America’s favorite pastime!
The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not specifically covered in the rules.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success.
“I don’t date servicemen,” she said, “but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants.”
“Why, that’s because we have two dicks,” the sailor replied.
“Interesting, probably twice as much fun,” replied the blonde, “let’s go to my place and try them out.”
So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says, “Boy, that was sure nice. Now that I’m rested and still horny, I want the other one.”
Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared, “Well, I’ll be damned! He’s pouting because he wasn’t FIRST!”
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At least they’re
A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me Father, but do you mean
her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”
The priest says, “I mean her legs.”
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former “loves.” I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, “Jimmy, I’m shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl’s problem?”
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. “She couldn’t say ‘yes’.”
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took
$300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
“Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.”
“Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied. “You can’t
make a living on that.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the
13) Although you know the batting average of every New York Yankee, you can’t remember your girlfriend’s dress size or the color of her eyes… or her name.
12) Let’s put it this way: In the “Mr. Hairy Back” pageant, you wouldn’t have to settle for the congeniality award.
11) The makers of “Frozen Meals For One” made you their “Customer of the Year” — again.
10) In your world, nothing says “I love you” like a head butt.
9) You suggest the topic “Top Signs You’re Going to Spend the Rest of Your Life Single,” mistakenly thinking that your equally-hopeless fellow contributors might give you some clue as to what you’re doing wrong.
8) The 6-inch pumps and leather mini may be a bit too risqu