After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took
$300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
“Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.”
“Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied. “You can’t
make a living on that.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the
13) Although you know the batting average of every New York Yankee, you can’t remember your girlfriend’s dress size or the color of her eyes… or her name.
12) Let’s put it this way: In the “Mr. Hairy Back” pageant, you wouldn’t have to settle for the congeniality award.
11) The makers of “Frozen Meals For One” made you their “Customer of the Year” — again.
10) In your world, nothing says “I love you” like a head butt.
9) You suggest the topic “Top Signs You’re Going to Spend the Rest of Your Life Single,” mistakenly thinking that your equally-hopeless fellow contributors might give you some clue as to what you’re doing wrong.
8) The 6-inch pumps and leather mini may be a bit too risqu
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?”
“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.
“But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing
thing that happened the night before.
“Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into
bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse
she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light,
lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble ‘n’ strife.
Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I’d accidentally walked into my
eight year olds daughter’s room by, and worse still she was on the
swimming team and didn’t smoke.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame .
All at once the white stuff came
At last it’s finished it’s all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow…..
I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.
I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.
On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, “You’ll have to wait.”
“But there’s lots of girls that aren’t busy right now.”
“Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.”
“Listen, I’m pretty desperate. I don’t need a room.”
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate
the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But
it’s a very cold night, and they freeze to death and
fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,
staggers to the door, and knocks.
“Go away!” says the madam. “We don’t allow drunks in here!”
“I don’t want in,” says the drunk. “I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down.”
Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.
“Certainly, sir,” said the lady behind the counter. “Shall I put them on your bill?”
“No way!” replied Donald Duck. “What do you think I am, a dickhead?”
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.