There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass…well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg…” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you.”
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box…and it says….”Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)”
She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter… “I’ll take one.”
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down “there.”
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.
She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and…nothing.
She’s totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.”
So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, “I’ve had a few complaints earlier today, I’ll be right over.”
After the man got to her house the woman says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, “I’M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!”
A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East.
The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, “Lady, I’ll give you ten dollars for a blowjob.”
The Texan was appalled. He pulled out his pistol, shot the greenhorn right between the eyes, and shoved his body out the door.
The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!”
The Texan holstered his gun and said, “Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars.”
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Leon… Your neighbor from four miles away… Having a party Saturday… thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Leon is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”
Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Leon turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there…by the way, what should I wear?”
Leon stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.
“Of course Darling,” she replied.
And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, “you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?”
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, “You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?”
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, “Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?”
She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, “You know… you don’t have to get up in the morning. I do!!!”