Joke's Database
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Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife, “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill.”
She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!”
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not
gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only
yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging
her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for
you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one
another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him
for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night
there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks “Why the panties?”

She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore, but down there I am still in mourning,” He knows he’s
not getting lucky that night. The following night the same
scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he
in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he
has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this… a black
condom?”

He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest
and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the
Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I
am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted
on Sundays.” The man thinks: “What does a priest know
about sex?” So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a
married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the
minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he
seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition
and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states, “My son, sex is definitely play.” The man
replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?” The Rabbi softly speaks, “My son, if sex
were work, my wife would have the maid do it.”

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, “Driver, I don’t
have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?”
The driver said, “Sure.” He got out of the car and proceeded to change
the tire, but couldn’t get the wheel cover off. The model saw him
struggling and asked, “Do you want a screwdriver?”
He said “Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.”

The clerk showed the fellow the store’s most expensive perfume. “This is called ‘Perhaps’,” said the sales clerk. “It’s $285 per ounce.”

“Listen,” the fellow shot back, “for $285 an ounce, I don’t want something called ‘Perhaps; I want something called, “You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You’ll Get Some!”

A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the patrons of the bar.

“I’ll give any man who can do that $1000,” he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking guy stands up and says, “I’ll do it… as long as you promise not to hit me on the head when I’m done.”

- “Hey, Princess, you wouldn’t happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?”

- “Been there, slain that.”

- “What’s a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?”

- “They don’t call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know.”

- “When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren’t the only thing they stretched.”

- “Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor.”

- Wench: “What’s that sound?” Knight: “That’s just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding.”

- “Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!”

- “Your hovel or mine?”

- “Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?”

- “Dost thou practice safe hex?”

- “Milady, it’s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.”

- “I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart.”

- “You should be glad I’m not a Viking.”

- “You would have been ravaged and plundered by now.”

- “I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I’m walking on!”

- “Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?”

- “You won’t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you…the fate of England depends is on it!!”

- “I’m really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?”

- “My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it.”

- “I’ve been VERY NAUGHTY. You’ll have to put me in the stocks and…er…PUNISH me, now won’t you?”

- “You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn’t my hair that the queen asked me to let down.”

- “I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m’lady.”

- “C’mon, sweetie…didn’t your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away.”

- “I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?”

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around
their ankles. They have their penis’ in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, “Boys! Boys!
Whatever are you doing… you’re going to catch pneumonia. Put your
penis’ away.”

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, “Sister Margaret, don’t
worry, we know what we’re doing. Father Porter always likes a couple
cold ones after work… “

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

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