The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store. Well, low and behold there were two older Indian women siting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation.
The one older Indian woman said, “Well I’m a Navajo and she is an Arapaho.”
One of the East Coast hookers said, “No Shit, Well, I’m a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho.”
Now gather round children and I’ll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.
Now Old Lill f*cked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn’t a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to f*ck her down.
Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died;
When down from Knoxville came Pisspot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.
Eighteen pounds of meat and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn’t a boy–he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I’ll swear it stretched from thar to………..thar.
Stunk like shit, I thought I’d die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.
People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.
Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!
Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.
With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!
Lill let out a scream, “I can’t take any more!”
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete’s eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.
When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill’s ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn’t pick up your feet!
Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete’s balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses and rode off West.
As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn’t wash away that whorehouse smell!
Now Old Pete died and went to hell:
F*cked the devil and his wife as well!
The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, “Get him out of here before he f*cks us all!”
He f*cked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two!
“Darling,” she whispered after they had finished making love,
“Will you still make love like that to me after we’re married ?”
He considered this for a moment, and then replied, “I think so.
I’ve always been especially fond of married women.”
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. “Follow me,” he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. “If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! But follow me, we’re almost there.”
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
“Why is it so damn cold down here?” Pete asks.
“Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” the devil replied.
Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, “Look, do you mind not staring at me? It’s making me uncomfortable.”
The other man says, “I’m sorry…My name is Jake. I’m gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I was wondering if you’d be interested in going out…”
Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. “I’m sorry, pal, but I’m a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer.”
Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the guy followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away.
He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all.
While Cisco was probing, Jake kept ‘ooo’ing and ‘aaahhh’ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was really wrong.
Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.
“My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your butt!!!” He shouted.
And Jake replied “READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!”
Q: Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
A: Is it in?
My wife must be a sex object because every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, “Oh yeah, Oh yeah!”
Then the first guy turns around and says, ” Hey Paul, shut up!”
Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, “Yeah baby..mmmm….yeah!”
Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.
The guy in front says, “Hey Paul, where’s all your excitement now?”
Paul says, “All over your back!”
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was
asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
“Doctor,” she replied shyly, “I just can’t undress in front of
“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You
undress and tell me when you’re through.”
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: “Doctor,
I’ve undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?”
“Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”