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How can ya tell when a woman has fucked too much?
Ya put yer thumb in her ass, AND yer middle-finger in her cunt…
Now, if ya can SNAP yer fingers, ya know she’s been fucking too much..

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said,
“Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?”
“Why Yes, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.

Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the
finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at
Marie said, “Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no, John, “said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
“Hey, Marie,” said John, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh, no, John,” said Marie. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car
and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He’d
struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

“Hey, Marie,” said John, “how would you like to stop at this motel with
me?”

“Sure, John, that would be nice,” said Marie.

Well, John couldn’t believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and
checked in with Marie.

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in
the bed.

“What have I done? What have I done?” thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up. “Marie, I’ve got to ask you one thing,
said John. “What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

Marie said, “The same thing I always tell them… You don’t have
to smoke and drink to have a good time.

The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red.

Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, “Let’s get out of here. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a woman who’s a tease.”

Studly young Romeo and his dimwitted college sidekick are
perched near the front door of the girls’ dorm. Several
plain Janes walk by as the two converse.

Then a Sharon Stone look-alike emerges from the dorm and
saunters past. Romeo turns, smiles, and – barely audibly
- inquires, “Tickle your ass with a feather?”

The young beauty – startled by what she thinks she heard
- exclaims “What?!” Without missing a beat, Romeo repeats
“Typical nasty weather?” “Oh,” she demures, “yes,” and goes
on her way.

More young lovelys walk by and the scene is repeated.
“Tickle your ass with a feather?” “What?”
“Typical nasty weather?”

Finally, Romeo delivers his line,
“Tickle your ass with a feather?” and his prospect stops,
smiles and invites him up to her room.

Now the sidekick, alone, having paid close attention,
decides to try this remarkable new technique. A likely
prospect comes near. The sidekick leers and blurts out,
“Cram a feather up your ass?”

Shocked, the girl spins around and slaps him, to which
he replies, “Looks like rain!”

To determine your personality check the gift you’d most like to get:

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

If you answered…

1. CANDY

It means that… You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share… OR you’re a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything even true love.

2. FLOWERS

It means that… You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture… OR you get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.

3. A SWEET POEM

It means that… You’re a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word… OR you’re used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.

4. SEX

It means that…You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful… OR you’re a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING

It means that… You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight… OR you’re easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON

It means that… You’re a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use… OR you have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
so he went to the
doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have
sex, to stick his
finger in his wife’s pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the
smell would cause his
hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he
decided to make his
move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
in her pussy, and then
rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began
to stiffen. Amazed, he
decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them
in her pussy, then
rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4
erect. He decided to
try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all
around under his nose.
Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
“Honey, quick
turn on the lights, and check this out!” She turned on the lights, and
with his dick standing
tall, he proudly asked, “What do you think?” She looked at him and
said, “Looks like the
worst nose bleed I’ve ever seen!”

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to
buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But
then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said “You
don’t understand I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said “You must have been quite
a kid.” When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every
room in the place was for sex. I said “You don’t understand Sex keeps me awake at night.” The
clerk said “Me too.” One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own
tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show
off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your
honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said “Me too.” Then I told him that after I
was married Sex left. He said “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me
and asked “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said I’m looking
for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.
“Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends
three hours every night in your apartment?”
Mrs Smith replied. “Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a
tonic for me.”

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and
says he’ll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says “You’re a pretty good looking old
broad. I’ll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass”.
She says “What???!!!”. But then thinks that the old age check isn’t due
for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he
says to her “Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have
offered you $20.00!”
She looks back at him and says “If I had know you could get it up I would
have taken off my pantyhose!”

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.
He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
“Have you always been that way?” asked the podiatrist.
“No,” she said, not until recently. “I’ve been fucking a lot doggie style.”
“Well,” said the podiatrist, “you are going to have to stop.”
“I can’t,” she replied, “that’s the only way my German Shepherd fucks.”

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