Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, “Hey,
Pop! What are you doin’?”
His father says, “Son, I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.”
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral sex does not count.
2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day it doesn’t count.
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn’t count.
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn’t count.
5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share.
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “did I shave my legs for this,” it doesn’t count.
7. An old flame doesn’t count.
8. An ex-spouse doesn’t count. Refer to this as a “pity f*ck.”
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.
10. Cybersex – no way! This is glorified masturbation.
11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.
12. Kissing is not cheating.
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other.
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet.”
16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was fun right?).
17. Phone sex, doesn’t count. Refer back to “glorified masturbation”.
18. In a car doesn’t count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull ‘n pray method of birth control) doesn’t count.
21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate).
22. An act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count.
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “being neighborly.”
24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.
25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count. This should be considered a “fuck friend.”
26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!
Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl
says, “Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his
I didn’t get a good night’s sleep for a week.”
“What happened.” Says her intrigued friend.
“I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the
last little piece of it out with dental floss.”
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get it up, if you know what I mean.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” he asked. “I couldn’t even jump up on the bed!”
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader’s table.
Said the mysterious old woman, “For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.”
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.”
“That’s true,” said Paul.
“Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?”
“Love line? No, from the calluses.”
The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. “Don’t be alarmed,” she said, “I’m a nudist.”
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. “How many children do you have?” he asked.
“Eighteen,” the lady replied.
“Lady,” he gasped, “You’re not a nudist, you just don’t have time to get dressed!”
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
“Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?”
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.
“Practice this and when you can do it, I’ll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,” said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked.
He replied, “Shit woman!” as he stepped further away. “If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don’t want to throw any meat at it!”
My wife must be a sex object because every time I ask for sex, she objects.
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
wants to show her
daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open
up and talk about
dating boys and what it’s like for her.
Mom: So… now that you have started dating, what’s it like getting
intimate with young
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never
care if intimacy
isn’t working for me.
Daughter: Oh, stuff…
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for
mothers and daughters to
talk about these matters…
Daughter: I don’t know…
Mom: Now don’t forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what
dating boys was
like for me, believe I remember
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your
Mrs. Cleaver went to the door of the Beaver’s room, and said, “It’s pretty quiet in there, what are you boys doing?”
The Beav’s brother Wally said, “Aaaaaaaaw, Gee, Mom, I’m just eating peanuts!”
So Mrs. Cleaver said, “Beav, are you in there? What are you doing?”
The Beaver said, “Jeepers mom, just eating peanuts like Wally!”
So Mrs. Cleaver said, “Is that Eddie? What are you doing in there, Eddie?”
Eddie said, “Uh, hi Mrs.Cleaver. I’m just eating peanuts with Wally and the Beaver here!”
So Mrs. Cleaver said, “Well, you boys come on out. You’ve got to clean the garage before your father gets home.”
So, out come the boys, followed by a girl who is adjusting her dress.
Mrs. Cleaver says to the girl, “Well I don’t think I’ve met you! What’s your name?”
The girl says, “Well, my real name’s Sally but my friends all call me ‘Peanuts’!”