The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. “Don’t be alarmed,” she said, “I’m a nudist.”
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. “How many children do you have?” he asked.
“Eighteen,” the lady replied.
“Lady,” he gasped, “You’re not a nudist, you just don’t have time to get dressed!”
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
“Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?”
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.
“Practice this and when you can do it, I’ll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,” said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked.
He replied, “Shit woman!” as he stepped further away. “If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don’t want to throw any meat at it!”
My wife must be a sex object because every time I ask for sex, she objects.
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
wants to show her
daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open
up and talk about
dating boys and what it’s like for her.
Mom: So… now that you have started dating, what’s it like getting
intimate with young
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never
care if intimacy
isn’t working for me.
Daughter: Oh, stuff…
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for
mothers and daughters to
talk about these matters…
Daughter: I don’t know…
Mom: Now don’t forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what
dating boys was
like for me, believe I remember
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your
Mrs. Cleaver went to the door of the Beaver’s room, and said, “It’s pretty quiet in there, what are you boys doing?”
The Beav’s brother Wally said, “Aaaaaaaaw, Gee, Mom, I’m just eating peanuts!”
So Mrs. Cleaver said, “Beav, are you in there? What are you doing?”
The Beaver said, “Jeepers mom, just eating peanuts like Wally!”
So Mrs. Cleaver said, “Is that Eddie? What are you doing in there, Eddie?”
Eddie said, “Uh, hi Mrs.Cleaver. I’m just eating peanuts with Wally and the Beaver here!”
So Mrs. Cleaver said, “Well, you boys come on out. You’ve got to clean the garage before your father gets home.”
So, out come the boys, followed by a girl who is adjusting her dress.
Mrs. Cleaver says to the girl, “Well I don’t think I’ve met you! What’s your name?”
The girl says, “Well, my real name’s Sally but my friends all call me ‘Peanuts’!”
The aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint.
“Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.”
“Come on now Mr Peters,” the doctor said, “your sex drives all in your head.”
“Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little.”
A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts
raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, “Hey Sister, what are you
going to tell the other Sisters now?”
“I’ll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground,
and raped me twice… unless you’re tired.” she responded.
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to call the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss, that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she said. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”
There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, “Don’t you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?”
While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says “I can, I can”
The teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla… ”
Darla replies… “D-U-M-B”
The teacher replies, “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?”
Darla replies, “Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB.”
The teacher replies, “OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?”
Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, “OK, go ahead Darla.”
Darla replies, “S-T-U-P-I-D”
The teacher replies “very good”, and “can you use that word in a sentence?”
Darla replies, “Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID.”
The teacher replies, “OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?”
No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell
the word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, “Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E”
The teacher replies, “very good Buckwheat,” and “can you use that word
in a sentence?”
Buckwheat replies, “Sure I can.”
“I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good.”