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Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand!

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.”

“Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s ‘love canal’. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his ‘love pole’. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios… “

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

“I want to get screwed,” said the man.

“OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee,” answered the voice.

The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

“Hey,” exclaimed the man, “I want to get screwed!”

“What?” said the voice, “Again?”

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, “You put your head between my legs and I’ll put my head between your legs.”

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

“What the hell was that?!?” he asked.

“Oops! I’m so sorry! Let’s try again,” she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

To which he replied, “If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!!”



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