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The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France,
and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the
array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him.

“Do you have something in mind?” she asked.

“I certainly do, ma’am,” the American emphatically replied.
“That’s why I want a nice gift.”

Q: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A: A half-hour of begging.

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse… you go between periods and you are expected to come.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker, the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says. “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these key “signs.”

1. Woman won’t unlock car door for man. – Doesn’t engage in oral sex.

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. – No foreplay.

3. Can’t hail a cab. – Impotent.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. – Prefers virgins.

5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. – Is a virgin.

6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. – Compulsive Don Juan.

7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. – Compulsive Don Quixote.

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. – Compulsive Don Ho.

9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. – Will swallow.

10. Wants to go to a deli. – Won’t swallow.

11. Uses Sweet n’ Low. – Wearing falsies.

12. Takes too long deciding what to order. – Has trouble reaching orgasm.

13. Orders salad dressing on the side. – Will give you a hand job but will not go “all the way.”

14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.

15. Asks for extra rolls. – Will say she’s using birth control when when she’s not, will get pregnant and sue.

16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as “The lady will have…” – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.

17. Asks for “the usual” – Insists on missionary position only.

18. Asks what the specials are. – Will want you to use handcuffs.

19. Fills up on bread and crackers. – Premature ejaculator.

20. Doesn’t finish everything on plate. – Has already come.

21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. – Will make you sleep on wet spot.

22. Changes mind after ordering. – Will never call you.

23. Changes tables. – Nymphomaniac.

24. Drinks decaf. – Fakes orgasms (female).

25. Orders in French. – Fakes orgasms (male).

26. Sends food back. – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.

27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. – Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. – Wants a handjob.

29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. – Castrating bitch.

30. Wants to split dessert. – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.

31. Credit card is refused. – Low sperm count.

32. Undertips waiter. – Small penis.

33. Undertips parking valet. – Small penis.

34. Undertips cabbie. – Small penis.

35. Uses toothpick. – Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything.

36. Removable cassette player in car. – Pull outs repeatedly during sex.

37. Cellular phone in car. – Penile implant.

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