Joke's Database
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He: “I already have a nickname for you.”

She: “And what is that?”

He: “MasterCard.”

She: “MasterCard?”

He: “Yes, MasterCard. I plan on mastering your possibilities and takin’ you to the limit.”

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”
The cowboy replied, “See them thar’sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.”
“That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”
“That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” he said to her.

“I don’t know,” replied the beautiful young woman. “It depends how personal it is.”

“OK,” the guy said. “How many men have you slept with?”

“I’m not going to tell you that!” the woman exclaimed. “That’s my business!”

“Sorry,” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.”

Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, “My dad’s tougher than your dad!”
“Oh yeah?” said Little Johnny, “My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for
dinner!”
“Really?”
Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, ‘Turn out the light, I
wanna eat it!’”

Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl’s destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

He asked. “No!” the director screamed, “You forgot the bloody rose!”

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,
John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,
Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph: “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window my husband is home early!” Ralph looked out the
window and said: “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining
like hell out there!” Mary cried: “If my husband catches us
in here, he will kill both of us!” So the boyfriend grabbed
his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside
he found himself in the middle of a marathon race… so he
started running along side the others – only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: “Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

The other runner then asked the nude man: “Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly: “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

The runner then asked: “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining.”

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

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