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A doctor’s advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm:
“Use it on every conceivable occasion.”

I can’t help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost
always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you’ve
heard men refer to their “performance”. Well, even these days I don’t
have a lot of trouble with that.

But… since I’m now past fifty, the “encores” are getting tuffer and
tuffer.

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. “So me and
my cousin were alone in the house,” she continued, “and went up to my
bedroom… ”
“Go on, my child,” said the priest gently.
“I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand
on my… on my… ”
“Go on.”
“On my pussy,” stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
“And touched me and touched me until I couldn’t help myself.”
“Yes, go on,” the priest directed.
“I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,”
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, “and he began to
shove it in me so hard… ”
“Yes, yes… Go on,” he urged, breathing hard.
“And then we heard the front door slam – ”
“Oh, SHIT!!!!

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
“Reach up there and find out.”
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, “Oh, it’s
gruesome!”
“Aye, it has,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put your hand back
up there, it’ll grow some more!”

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says, “I must say, this is the cleanest twat I’ve seen in ages.”

“Thanks,” said the lesbian. “I have a woman in 4 times a week.”

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, OK,” he says, “How a ’bout a blow job?”

“EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”

Q: If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A: A hole in it.

Studly young Romeo and his dimwitted college sidekick are
perched near the front door of the girls’ dorm. Several
plain Janes walk by as the two converse.

Then a Sharon Stone look-alike emerges from the dorm and
saunters past. Romeo turns, smiles, and – barely audibly
- inquires, “Tickle your ass with a feather?”

The young beauty – startled by what she thinks she heard
- exclaims “What?!” Without missing a beat, Romeo repeats
“Typical nasty weather?” “Oh,” she demures, “yes,” and goes
on her way.

More young lovelys walk by and the scene is repeated.
“Tickle your ass with a feather?” “What?”
“Typical nasty weather?”

Finally, Romeo delivers his line,
“Tickle your ass with a feather?” and his prospect stops,
smiles and invites him up to her room.

Now the sidekick, alone, having paid close attention,
decides to try this remarkable new technique. A likely
prospect comes near. The sidekick leers and blurts out,
“Cram a feather up your ass?”

Shocked, the girl spins around and slaps him, to which
he replies, “Looks like rain!”

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED

REMOVING CLOTHES..

With partners’ consent 12
Without partners’ consent 187

UNHOOKING BRA..

Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96

GETTING INTO BED..

Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION..

For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115

PUTTING ON RUBBER..

With erection 1.5
Without erection 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM..

If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72

If a man does it, regardless of experience 680
(add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room!)
With womans consent 50
Without womans consent 300

INSERTION..

If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274

ORGASM..

Real 27
Faked 160

POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS..

Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27

ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE..

Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn’t change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50

PULLING OUT..

After orgasm 0.5
Just before orgasm 500

PENIS ENVY..

For woman 3
For man 72

AGGRAVATION FACTORS..

Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40

GETTING CAUGHT..

By partners’ spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY..

Italian..man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian..woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English..side by side with lights off 10
Scots..woman on top, man on whisky 69
American..both on top 60

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE..

Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

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