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A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, “Come this way,” and heads towards the back of the store.

“If I could come that way,” she tells the retreating clerk, “I wouldn’t need the batteries.”

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. “What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I, uh,” she stammered. “I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”

“I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”

“That’s not bad,” she replied. “How much for all night?”

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the
local bar. One said, “Heard ya went to the big city Jeb.” His
friend replied, “Yep. Even tried me out one of those ‘loose
women’ ya always hear about.” “You don’t say.” said the first
man. “Bet that was costly.” “Nope.” Jeb smirked. “Kinfolk.”at the
local bar. One said, “Heard ya went to the big city Jeb.” His
friend replied, “Yep. Even tried me out one of those ‘loose
women’ ya always hear about.” “You don’t say.” said the first
man. “Bet that was costly.” “Nope.” Jeb smirked. “Kinfolk.”

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with
no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up
and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed,
they start exploring each other’s bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her
husband’s penis. “Oh my”, she says, “What is that?”
“Well, darlin”, the cowboy says, “That’s ma rope”.
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
“Oh my goodness. What’s them?” she asks.
“Honey, them’s my knots”, he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,
the bride says, “Stop honey. Wait a minute”.
Her husband, panting a little, asks, “What’s the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?”
“No”, the bride replies. “Just undo them damn knots.
I need more rope!”

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an
aspirin down his wife’s throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells,
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Just giving you an aspirin for your headache.” The bloke answered.
“But I ain’t got a headache,” she yelled back.
“Good then, Lets fuck!” said the bloke.

A is the Artful word he uses.

B is the Blush as she gently refuses.

C is the Creep of his hand up her legs.

D is the Don’t as she pleadingly begs.

E is the Excitement as his hand goes higher.

F is the Feeling of ticklish desire.

G is the Gasp as her quim, he touches.

H is the Helplessness she feels in his clutches.

I is the Itching which makes her feel hot.

J is the Jump as the spot, he touches.

K is the Kiss with which she rewards him.

L is the Love which she now feels towards him.

M is the Move which they make for the bed.

N is the Nice way her legs are outspread.

O is the Opening now fully revealed.

P is the Pen with nib fully pealed.

Q is the Queerness she feels when it is in.

R is the Rubbing that’s now to begin.

S is the Strokes getting stronger and stronger.

T is the Tickling she wishes would last longer.

U is the Unction now freely flowing.

V is the Vigour with which they are moving.

W is the Wish that he would do it again.

X is the Xtent of the pleasure they gain.

Y is the Yearning that makes her feel sick.

Z is the Zambuk he rubs on his prick.

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of
hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say “Hi there little boy!!”

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always
wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: “well, that is what size
we imagine your penis to be… it is just a joke!”

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, “HI
THERE LADIES!

- “Hey, Princess, you wouldn’t happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?”

- “Been there, slain that.”

- “What’s a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?”

- “They don’t call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know.”

- “When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren’t the only thing they stretched.”

- “Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor.”

- Wench: “What’s that sound?” Knight: “That’s just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding.”

- “Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!”

- “Your hovel or mine?”

- “Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?”

- “Dost thou practice safe hex?”

- “Milady, it’s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.”

- “I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart.”

- “You should be glad I’m not a Viking.”

- “You would have been ravaged and plundered by now.”

- “I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I’m walking on!”

- “Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?”

- “You won’t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you…the fate of England depends is on it!!”

- “I’m really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?”

- “My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it.”

- “I’ve been VERY NAUGHTY. You’ll have to put me in the stocks and…er…PUNISH me, now won’t you?”

- “You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn’t my hair that the queen asked me to let down.”

- “I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m’lady.”

- “C’mon, sweetie…didn’t your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away.”

- “I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?”

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends?
“Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
second base!”
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

- First Base – This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.

- Second Base – Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.

- Third Bas e- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.

- Home Run – This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado…

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

- On Deck- Having plans for a date
- Strike-Out- Duh!!
- Walk- Kissing
- Bunt- Masturbation
- Single- Tongue kissing
- Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
- Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
- Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
- Home Run- SEX!
- Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
- Error- Condom breaks during sex
- Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
- Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

- Balk- Premature ejaculation
- Pine Tar- KY jelly
- Relief pitcher- Vibrator
- Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
- Box Seats- Waterbed
- Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
- Rookie- Virgin
- Minor Leagues- Under 18
- Loaded Bases- manage a trois
- Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
- Foul tip- VD
- Three up and three down- impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.

I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America’s favorite pastime!

Rule 2.

Section3.

The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not specifically covered in the rules.

There’s a hooker in my cooker,
and boy, she is a quite a looker!
It started out, all last night,
when there was a great fight.

A guy was sporting a leopard-skin coat,
the girl was screaming like a goat.
The guy asked if I wanted a piece,
I said, “Good Lord, that cooch smells like cheese!”

The pimp swore that she was clean,
he also stated that she was mean.
So I took him up on that,
$45.00? For a bitch that fat?

We strolled up on up to my room
When the neighbors heard a SONIC BOOM!
The bed we were on, seemed to have broke,
God-Almighty, I popped that girl’s yolk!

Then all of a sudden she started to scream,
I yelled, “OMIGOD, I’m gonna cream!”
My sheets were drenched in semen and sweat,
I said, “Damn, bitch, yer twat’s wet!”

She got on all fours, and begged for more
I thought to myself, “Damn, what a whore!?”
So I got behind her, and gave her my stuff,
She began to huff and puff, then later she got rough.

She turned herself around, and showed me her tit
I said, “C’mon, baby, lemme get a little bit!”
She said, “Damn, baby, NOT SO HARD!”
So we started again, her tits shook like a tub-a-lard.

When we were done, we decided to lay down
All was quiet, there wasn’t any sound…
Then all of a sudden, we heard a knock at the door,
The people outside screamed, “Where is that whore?!”

I said, “Hurry up, bitch, get in the oven!”
She said, “C’mon, honey, quit wit’ da shovin!”
I let the people in, and they snooped around
They ask the question, “And who owns this gown?”

They said it must be hers, it smells like cheese!
I said, “C’mon guys, get out please.”
They asked what was the scent coming from the cooker,
I said to myself, “They’re gonna find that hooker!”

I said, “Its nothing, just my extra cheesy pizza.”
Someone yelled, “I betcha it’s that bitch Mitsa!”
They said, “Open the oven, we gotta take a look,”
I said, “C’mon guys, I gotta let my pizza cook!”

All of a sudden, I had a gun in my face,
“If you don’t open that oven, you’re brains will be all over the place”
I became scared, so I reached for a pot,
The last thing I heard was that gun shot.

When I woke up, I was laying in cream
And to my astonishment, it was a wet dream
I went to the kitchen to get a coffee-cup,
I heard a sound in the oven, I wonder what’s up…

I grab a knife, and slowly walk over
I think to myself, “Damn what’s that odor?”
I open the door, and to my dismay,
There was that bitch, saying, “I WANT MY PAY!”

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