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A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50′s, had a relatively minor
heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his
cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The
cardiologist said, “Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your
heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It’ll
be the best thing you can do for your recovery.”
So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what
the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, “That’s
wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice.”

Two nuns decide they’re going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they’ve finally got to head back to the convent.

To enter the convent’s grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.

As they’re crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, “I feel like a marine.”

The second replies, “Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?”

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.

“No, Father. Just a little gas,” Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?” he asked again.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas,” she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and
adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, “Oh
Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating a woman!”

Q: How can you tell if you’ve stumbled into a lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool tables don’t have balls.

© 2015