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An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: “Dad, how do us Indians get our names?”

“It’s very simple,” replies the chief. “Your oldest brother was born by a river, so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in the early morning, so we call him Rising Sun. Why do you ask Broken Rubber?”

* Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?

* (Motion for girl to come here with one finger), “If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!”

* If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

* Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

* I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.

* The word of the day is LEGS, so let’s go to my house and spread the word.

* This Valentine’s Day, I really want you to know how I feel…..So you better use both hands.

* I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

* Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

* Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.

* If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

* I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

* If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

* How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

* I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

* You are so fine that I’d eat your shit just to see where it came from.

* My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.

* Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!

* You remind me of a championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you!

* Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

* Could I touch your belly button…from the inside?

* How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I’ll give you the meat!

* Hey baby. Why don’t you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?

* Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be!

* Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock!

* I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

* Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way.

* Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

* Roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti, let’s go screw.

* Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

* My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going….

* That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.

* I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

* I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to tinker” around with.

* You must be from Hiroshima, cause baby you’re the Bomb.

* Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

* I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

* I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

* Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.

* If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

* Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

* If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

* If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

* Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

* The word for the night is legs, lets go back to my room and spread the word.

* Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

* Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long.

* Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

* You must be Jelly, cause jam don’t shake like that.

* The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means that there’s more room for your tongue.

* Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

* Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

* I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

* I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house?

* If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!” Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.”

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!”

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me, young man?”

Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.”

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, “Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?”

The Pope replies, “Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.”

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!”

The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues, “Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”

To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.”

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!”

The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”

To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah….. are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?”

The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!”

Q: What’s worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race: If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription: Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date. You’ll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It’s a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he’ll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person’s mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result: 1) Men’s desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy. 2) Women’s desire for intimacy often results in sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine: You can’t keep a good man down.

Twain’s Truth: Familiarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month… unless they’re single.

The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he’s fallen asleep by the time you’re ready.

© 2015