A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem
doctor” Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
earsplitting yell.” “MY dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely
natural. I don’t see what problem is?” “The problem is,” she complained,
“It wakes me up.”
The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
to be direct about
it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and
whaddaya say to a little fuck?”
She looked down at him and promptly replied, “Hello, you little fuck!”
1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”
2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”
7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”
8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”
10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”
“My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis,” mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies.
“No,” says the friend, “people don’t die of syphilis anymore.”
The angry biker replies, “They do when they give it to me!”
A little guy, Stephen, without a great deal of sense was telling his friend that he couldn’t get a girl.
His friend, Mike asked, “Man, aren’t you rich? Don’t you have all kinds of money?”
Stephen said, “Yeah, I got th’ money. I just can’t get none.”
Mike said, “Well, all you need to do is buy a boat. Women LOVE boats! You buy a boat, ask a girl if she wants a boat ride, take her twenty miles out, cut off the engine, and tell her to put out or swim. Then you come back and tell me how it went.”
Stephen said, “Well, that seems like a good idea t’ me!”
He went out the next day and bought a big boat, put it in the harbor, and waited. Finally a girl came by and looked at his boat.
He said, “Y-y-you wanna go fer a boat wide wi’ me?”
She thought he was kind of dumb, but she LOVED boats. She went.
He drove her twenty miles out, pulled out the key and said, “Y-y-you g-g-got to p-p-put out, or y-y-you g-g-ot to swim.”
She figured, “What the hell?” She dropped her little swimsuit and let him have some.
He was so happy that he tried it again the next day. He sat by his boat; a girl walked by and looked at the boat.
He asked, “Y-you w-wanna go fer a boat wide wi’ me?”
She LOVED boats, and she decided to go.
He took her twenty miles out, took out the key, and said, “Y-you gotta p-put out or swim!”
She didn’t care. She took off her swimsuit and let him have some.
The next day he was cocky! A little gal came by in a swimsuit that was made of less cotton than there is in the top of an aspirin bottle.
He saw her look at the boat and said, “Hey, Bitch! Wanna go fer a boat wide w’ me? Don’t make no damn difference t’ me!”
She jumped into the boat and he took her twenty miles out, jerked out the key, and said, “Put out or swim!”
She dropped her little swimsuit and damn the STINK! The smell was so bad he had to cover his head.
He said, “Whew! Never mind! Put that swimsuit back on and don’t get none of that on me!”
She reached into her pocketbook and took out a pistol, aimed it at his head, and said, “Eat it or swim.”
When Stephen was telling Mike about it, the goofy guy’s friend said, “Oh, my God! What did you do?”
Stephen answered, “You didn’t hear about no guy drownin’ out there, did you?”
One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.
“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I do hope you don’t mind my looking at you.”
She told him she would rather he didn’t look so hard and that she didn’t consider herself that special.
“Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven’t seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look.”
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn’t get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.
“I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I’ve never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you.”
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.
“Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don’t know how much this means to me!” When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, “Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are.”
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, “Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh.”
Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he’d like to do it again.
Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, “Yes, but I’ll have to wait a little while.”
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”
There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches I can eat him.”
There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake, preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh!” he thought, “If that fly goes down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch.”
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly …and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”
A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime, “Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish …and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks…The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Somewhere there’s a pussy in trouble.
Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. “Slow down, baby,” she said. “Foreplay is an art.”
“You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, “because I’m about to spill my paint!”
A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
“What difference does it make,” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”
“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.