Bob: “So, how’s it going with the ladies?”
Joey: “Women to me are sex objects.”
Bob: “Really?”
Joey: “Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object.”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
A senior guy invited his girlfriend over because his parents were gone for the weekend, so his girlfreind arrived at his house they went to the bedroom and he forgot his younger brother was sleeping on the botttom bed so him and his girlfriend went on the top bed and they started talking and then things get heated up so he said scream TOMATOES if you want it harder and scream LETTUCE if you want a different position so she was screaming LETTUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO, then she said stop pull it out becuase I cant get pregnant then the little brother woke up and said “will you guys please stop making sandwiches”…
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, “What’s going on here? You keep saying, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit.”
“Well,” says the guy, “My friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?”
“He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we’re picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!! We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!! I just know we’re gonna die!! So I turn to him and say …”Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!!”
“DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!” ….. (SPIT)
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:
“RETURNED UNOPENED”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
Attention all Heterosexual Men!
Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on “Will & Grace”?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you’ll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL! We are now recruiting heterosexual men ages.
18-65 (please no older than 65 — that’s just creepy) to become homosexuals.
Let us assist you in your transformation from bland to beautiful! We’ll give you all the steps you’ll need to be a happy fairy, such as:
* Drag make-up tips!
* How to have sex with a man WITHOUT the six pack of beer!
* How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!
* Essential Madonna and Cher records to own
* That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC
* Ricky Martin’s fan club address
* Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you’re not too attached to that uni-brow)
* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we’ll insert a few bucks to get you started)
* Finger-snapping lessons, and a dialect coach to assist in “gaylingo”
* Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra’s wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!
ACT NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE A CLOSET DOOR HINGE TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!
Don’t delay any longer! Do you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Aren’t you tired of the snickers whenever you walk into a room? Call 1-800-976-HOMO to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!! Call today. Operators are standing by.
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a
tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in
his headdress, “Why
the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?” His
reply was, “Me have only
one sqaw, me have only one feather.” She asked another Brave, feeling
the first fellow
was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He
replied, “Ugh; me
have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.” Still not
convinced the number of
feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to
interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to
say, amused Ms.
Walters. She asked the Chief, “Why do you have so many feathers in
your headdress?”
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, “Me Chief. Me fuck-em
all. Big, small, fat,
tall. Me fuck-em all.” Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, “You ought to be
hung!” The Chief
replied, “You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like
snake.” Ms. Walters
cried, “You don’t have to be so goddamned hostile!” The Chief replied,
“Hoss-style, dog-
style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!” With tears in her eyes,
Ms. Walters cried,
“Oh dear.” The Chief said, “No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high
and fuckers run
too fast. No fuck deer!”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, “What’s under there?”
So the man answers, “A bird.”
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain.
A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, “What happened?”
The man answers, “I don’t know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.”
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, “I didn’t do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!”
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
There was a young girl called Anna,
Who was rather good with a spanner.
A boy gave her a knock,
So she grabbed his big cock,
And he now has a whole different manner!
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
- Vibrators don’t have problems with gas … Nor do they hog the remote … Nor the computer!
- We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
- Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.
- Position is your choice, not his.
- You don’t have to suck it.
- It works “while” the sports games are on.
- It always is hard.
- It doesn’t leave a mess behind.
- You don’t have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
- It doesn’t care that you gained 10 lbs.
- It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
- You don’t have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
- You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.
- You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
- They don’t get tired after the first time.
- They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
- They never drink too much and embarrass you.
- You don’t have to tell the vibrator he’s the best you ever had!
- Vibrators don’t prematurely ejaculate.
- Safe sex without a rubber.
- Vibrators don’t ask who your Daddy is.
- Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.
- You don’t have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !
- As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!
- Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
- Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!
- They never ask how they were.
- They don’t burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
- You don’t have to dress up for your vibrator.
- You don’t have to stroke its ego.
- They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
- It doesn’t leave a wet spot.
- You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.
- It doesn’t require “a little lip action” to get hard
- It has no problem finding the “g spot.”
- You know exactly where its been.
- Vibrators don’t care if you get crumbs in the bed.
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Read all jokes from:Sex (+4813)
An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: “Dad, how do us Indians get our names?”
“It’s very simple,” replies the chief. “Your oldest brother was born by a river, so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in the early morning, so we call him Rising Sun. Why do you ask Broken Rubber?”
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