Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “So this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, “Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?!” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.’”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”
“I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
Your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.
Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.
Your biggest ambition in life is to “git thet big ole coon. The one what hangs “round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn… “
Your bike has a gun rack on it.
Your birth announcement included the word “rug rat”.
Your birthday cake consisted of nothing but Twinkies.
Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, and you like it.
Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
Your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
Your brother is your wife’s favorite son.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather.
Your bumper sticker reads, “You’re missing your cat, look in my treads. “
Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.”
Your car alarm eats dog food.
Your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.
Your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
Your car burns more oil than gas.
Your car has more than three bumper stickers with the word jesus on them.
Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it.
Your car stereo costs more than your car.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
Your CB antenna on your truck doubles as your cane pole.
Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your child’s car seat is strapped down in the bed of your pick-up truck.
Your child’s first pet was a chicken
Your children look more like your brothers-in-law than your husband you are worried that he might notice.
Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
Your church has a “happy hour.”
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
Your coat of arms features a tire iron.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
Your computer don’t work cuz the cat ate the mouse.
Your Computer has Winders 95 instead of Windows.
Your dad calls you “Chip” and walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your dad guts one of the old TV’s for another knick-knack shelf.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. – True or False
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. – True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. – True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. – True or False
5. The clitoris is a type of flower. – True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. – True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors. – True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. – True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. – True or False
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. – True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. – True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. – True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. – True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. – True or False
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. – True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. – True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. – True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. – True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. – True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. – True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. – True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. – True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. – True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. – True or False
25. Douche is the French word for “twelve.” – True or False
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
I just received Alabama’s new state quarter. It is two dimes and a nickel taped together.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
The farmer went into a lawyer’s office and said, “I want one of them there dayvorces.”
The lawyer said, “Do you have grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I have 140 acres.”
The lawyer said, “No you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I have a John Deere.”
The lawyer said, “You still don’t understand. Do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yes, that’s what I park my John Deere under every night.”
The lawyer said, “You still don’t understand. Do you have a suit?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday.”
The lawyer said, “Does she beat you up?”
The farmer said, “No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning.”
The lawyer said, “Is she a nagger?”
The farmer said, “No, she’s a little ol’ white gal, but the last youngen’ she had was a nagger. That’s why I want a dayvorce.”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459), Religious (+827)
- You think John the Baptist started the SBC.
- You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews.
- You think “Amazing Grace” is the national anthem.
- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
- You think worship music has to be loud.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You judge the quality of a service by its length.
- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.
- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.
- You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.
- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.
- You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered “666.”
- You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.
- You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
(A Yankee must have written this)
Exclamations:
- “Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
- “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
Threats:
- “I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.”
- “This’ll jar your preserves.”
- “Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”
Good Things/Compliments:
- “Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
- “If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
- “Gooder than grits.”
The Weather:
- “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
- “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
- Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”
Descriptions:
- A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
- When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
- If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
- “He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”
- A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”
Insults:
- “She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
- “Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.’”
- “He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
- “Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
- “The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”
- Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.” Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
A major network is planning the show “Survivor 2″ this winter. In response, Texas is planning “Survivor, Texas Style.” The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, “I’m gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I’m here to confiscate your guns.”
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.
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