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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, “Oh, Crap!”
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were…
“Hold my beer and watch this!”
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
He’d have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.
His last words on the cross would have been, “Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here.”
He’d be famous for turning water into beer.
The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat.”
His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.
Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.
He would have cured blindness by yelling, “Yer healed” and slapping them on the forehead.
The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.
Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.
Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure.
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I’m sending him over.”
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
“Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
“OK, what about the earsth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.
“OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to see her run!”
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow’s grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father’s wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter’s son. My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she’s my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
(A Yankee must have written this)
Exclamations:
- “Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
- “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
Threats:
- “I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.”
- “This’ll jar your preserves.”
- “Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”
Good Things/Compliments:
- “Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
- “If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
- “Gooder than grits.”
The Weather:
- “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
- “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
- Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”
Descriptions:
- A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
- When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
- If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
- “He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”
- A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”
Insults:
- “She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
- “Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.’”
- “He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
- “Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
- “The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”
- Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.” Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Tennessee burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
“You remind me of a famous movie star”
“Really, which one?”
“Lassie”
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