Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
- You go to family reunions to meet guys.
- You wear a dress that’s strapless and a bra that ain’t.
- You wear combat boots with a minidress.
- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that’s bigger than your fist.
- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that says “I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft.”
- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
- You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet stockings.
- Wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.
- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.
- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.
- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.
- You keep spare ammo in your bra.
- You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motorhome.
- Your purse is a toolbox.
- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle nosed pliers.
- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
- You use duct tape to keep your “tuck” in place.
- You call your vanity “your work bench.”
- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.
- “Doing your nails” means sorting the ten-pennies from the sixteen-pennies.
- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose you shot last Fall.
- Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads your found on the road.
- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.
- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
-. You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
- Your moisturizer says “non-detergent SAE 10W30″ on the container.
- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
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Read all jokes from: Over the Hill (+599), Redneck (+1459)
Dear Son:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
“Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gunbelt and boots?”
“Well Sheriff, it’s a long story.”
“I ain’t going nowhere”, said the Sheriff.
“Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did.”
He continued, “We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said ‘Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town’. And, here I am Sheriff.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
How do you tell the difference between politicians and Rednecks?
Pose the following Question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Politicians Answers:
- Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
- Does the man look poor or oppressed?
- Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
- Could we run away?
- What does my wife think?
- What about the kids?
- Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? – What does the law say about this situation?
- Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
- Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
- Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
- Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
- If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
- Should I call 911?
- Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
- This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Southerner’s Answers:
- BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click… (Sounds of reloading.)
- Wife: “Sweetheart, he looks like he’s still moving, what do you kids think?”
- Son: “Mom’s right Dad, I saw it, too.”
- BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
- Daughter: “Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very “in the mood”, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.” The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. “Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Q: What are the last words of a redneck?
A: “Hey y’all check this out!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country.
“It was difficult at first,” the man replied, “but it’s a lot better since I got myself a paramour.”
The passenger was astonished. “A paramour?” he said. “Does your wife know?”
“Sure,” said the Southerner. “She doesn’t care how I cut the grass.”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
Pronounce all one syllable words with two.
When giving directions, finish with “it’s right down yonder on the left.”
Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ‘em “Delta’s ready when you are!”
Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.
Offer to send ‘em a bottle of fresh air.
Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie – John Michael – Jim Bob…)
Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”
Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.
Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “pee-can.”
Put Tabasco on everything.
For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!” say , “Well I’ll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”
When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies… banana ones.
Name all of your children “Bubba.”
Use the word “reckon” in a sentence.
“Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school. “Fetch” something.
Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin to do” something.
Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.
Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations..
Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”
Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ‘em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
Call ‘em a yankee. Works every time.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “‘Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook. “But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies. “‘Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” says the reporter as he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says. “Then what are you?” the reporter askes. “I’m a Cowboys fan!!!” the boy says proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn’t have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.
9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.
12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green.
13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
14. In Florida, ‘flipping someone the bird’ is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
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