Big Jimbo sauntered into his local Post Office, and noticed a new sign on the wall:
MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA
“Dang it!” he said, “…if only that job was in Texas, Ah’d be a takin it!”
1,113 views |
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Q: What is a Redneck’s defense in court?
A: “Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing the night’s dinner. “Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?” asks the slack-jawed youth.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to pull it out?”
“No thanks, just the cider.”
“Well, sure,” responds the youth’s mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot off contentedly.
About 15 minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks him mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happily.
Ten minutes later the boy returns and once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son’s wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can’t resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
“Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?” asks the boy’s mother.
“Well, mom, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn’t wait to get it in cider.”
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
A bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day.
The lawyer got out of his BMW, and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault…
“YOU STUPID HICK!” shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls and tangled beard.
“Hick, huh?” thought the redneck. “How am I gonna get outa this?”
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks, and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
Mister Hotshot was checking his suit and shoes to make sure they were not dirty.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It’ll steady your nerves…. IT’S HOMEMADE…”
Mister Big City Lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak.
The redneck then said, “You still look a little bit pale. How about another?” The smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow.
After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.
Then the redneck said, “It’s mighty hot today. Folks ‘roun here don’t usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don’t you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?”
The lawyer frowned, “Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That’s fine for rednecks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!”
But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and finally the lawyer let out a drunken laugh, and took off his polished shoes and socks.
Then the redneck said, “Why don’t you take off that fancy tie?”
“Take off my tie?” said the lawyer with a sneer and slur in his voice. “I’m a lawyer!!!” Then he looked down at his bare feet and took off his tie…
The redneck said, “And the suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit! I got another pair of overalls you can wear while we figger out what to do about this situation!”
The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but…
Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.
At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up.
After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn’t think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn’t find the redneck…
or his expensive clothes…
“Not me”, the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree and wearing the lawyer’s clothes and holding the keys to his BMW.
He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and transformed into a true redneck,
“I’m waiting for the state trooper.”……
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Q: How’s a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?
A: He sticks his nose in the animal’s ass. If there’s a place for his tongue, it’s a cow.
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don’t laugh too hard – one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
A bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day.
The lawyer got out of his BMW, and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault…
“YOU STUPID HICK!” shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls and tangled beard.
“Hick, huh?” thought the redneck. “How am I gonna get outa this?”
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks, and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
Mister Hotshot was checking his suit and shoes to make sure they were not dirty.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It’ll steady your nerves…. IT’S HOMEMADE…”
Mister Big City Lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak.
The redneck then said, “You still look a little bit pale. How about another?” The smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow.
After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.
Then the redneck said, “It’s mighty hot today. Folks ‘roun here don’t usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don’t you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?”
The lawyer frowned, “Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That’s fine for rednecks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!”
But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and finally the lawyer let out a drunken laugh, and took off his polished shoes and socks.
Then the redneck said, “Why don’t you take off that fancy tie?”
“Take off my tie?” said the lawyer with a sneer and slur in his voice. “I’m a lawyer!!!” Then he looked down at his bare feet and took off his tie…
The redneck said, “And the suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit! I got another pair of overalls you can wear while we figger out what to do about this situation!”
The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but…
Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.
At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up.
After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn’t think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn’t find the redneck…
or his expensive clothes…
“Not me”, the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree and wearing the lawyer’s clothes and holding the keys to his BMW.
He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and transformed into a true redneck,
“I’m waiting for the state trooper.”……
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Two men from West Virginia went hunting. They were named Billy and Jimmy. Billy said to Jimmy, “Shoot at any deer that moves.”
They both went to different tree stands. Well, Billy forgot his smokes and went to ask Jimmy for a cigarette. When Billy started going over to Jimmy, Jimmy shot him.
Jimmy took him to the hospital and the doctor comes out. Jimmy asks, “Will he be O.K. Doc?”
The doctor said, “Sure, if you hadn’t field dressed him in the woods.”
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Read all jokes from:Over the Hill (+599), Redneck (+1459)
A older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of his presence.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died.”
Although amused at the woman’s cleverness, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”
This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over for a few seconds. “In that case,” she says, “let it read, ‘Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale.’”
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Read all jokes from:Redneck (+1459)
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
“Where you flyin’ to?” says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
“Don’t you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?” The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
“Where you flyin’ to, bitch?”
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