Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Two duck hunters from wisconsin: absolutely a true story heard on a wisconsin radio station reporting on the incident.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It’s mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…??? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then ” BOOOOOOOOM…. The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with “I can’t believe this just happened” looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay…doing fine.
And you thought Rednecks only live in the South………
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
1. Y’all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y’all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y’all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y’all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y’all shalt always talk the way you grow’ed up.
6. Y’all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y’all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y’all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y’all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of ‘em.
10. Y’all shalt always remember where you come from.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
1. Everybody assumes you’re an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo bastards”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Cain’t fit big screen TV through
Double-wide’s front door.
OPTIONS
Unemployment’s out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability.
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, Pauly has face
Only Mama loves.
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne’s been grilling with
Gasoline again.
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we’ll gig some frogs.
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order.
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Oral Roberts.
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O’Clock.
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin’ doll
Mama whups his butt.
NO SIGNAL
White noise, stati buzz
Call Earl; the satellite dish
needs new descrambler.
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino.
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searched Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man.
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pickup bed.
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you’re my cousin.
PATIENCE
Squirrel gum gleaming
Loaded with rock salt, Earl waits
For the repo man.
REVERENCE
Number 3 inscribed
On jacket, cap, and windshield;
Redneck Trinity.
LUNCH
The handsome redneck
Fixes himself a sandwich
Wearing camo pants.
COUNTERFEITING
Curse you Sam Walton;
Million Dollar bill buys me
Trip to the hoosegow.
HEARTBREAK
Heart a hurtin’ bad
Bub left me for his cousin
ET babe comin’.
HERITAGE
Rottweiler’s steel bowl
Visqueene covered trailer porch
Ain’t takin’ my guns.
HAPPINESS
Happiness is when
You know how many hay bails
Fit in your car trunk
REDNECK IS
Listen to country
Your mother is your sister
Go race your damn truck.
HILLBILLY GIRLS
Hillbilly gir-rels
Luv ‘em mor’n anythin’
They’s warm in winter.
HOME SWEET HOME
It arrives today
Side and side it turns the curve
My double wide home.
NEW SHIRT
Bought a camo shirt
Hung it up in my closet
Now I can’t find it.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1459)
You’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
You’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You’ve ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom.
You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time time call… “
You’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.
You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… deliberately.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… on purpose!
You’ve ever hitchhiked naked,
You’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
You’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”
You’ve ever invited friends over to show off what’s left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.
You’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
You’ve ever made love on a tire swing.
You’ve ever named a child for a good dog.
You’ve ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
You’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
You’ve ever parked a Camero in a tree.
You’ve ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she’d take the hint.
You’ve ever participated in a burp-off.
You’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
You’ve ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.
You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
You’ve ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool.
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You’ve ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money.
You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.
You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You’ve ever shot a mouse inside your home.
You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
You’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.
You’ve ever sold your car for gas money.
You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
You’ve ever stabbed someone’s hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
You’ve ever stolen a bulldozer.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Collards is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.
You have some’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yor’e too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…
IT’S A NEW TROLL’N MOTOR!!
Luv, from yor romeo
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Well, ’cause you ain’t from here! We can tell!
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in ‘big ol truck’ or ‘big ol boy’.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in September. “Dang it, it sure is cold out, y’all!”
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’!”, is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y’all! Ack!
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our conversation:
“Hey dude! Where are you man? We’re having a great party over here. Why don’t you come on over and join us?”
I replied, “Man, I’m not feeling so good. I think I’m gonna stay right here.”
“Well, hey. What’cha got?” they asked.
“I got a case of diarrhea,” I responded.
“Well hell.. bring it along. These fools will drink anything!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
The Southern vocabulary is similar to the rest of the Nation’s – it only sounds different. The following is a sample to help all Yankees, in hope that it will teach them how to talk right.
Ah – The things you see with.
Aig – Which came first, the chicken or the aig?
Arn – An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
Ay-rab – The people who inhabit much of North Africa.
Bawl – What water does.
Bidness – The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.
Bobbycue – A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a fiery sauce.
Bud – Small feathered creature that flies.
Cheer – A piece of furniture used for sitting.
Chekatawfarya – Heard at service stations in small
Southern towns.
Co-Cola – Soft drink.
Crine – Weeping.
Dawfins – Name of the professional football team in
Miami.
Daints – A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.
Doc – A condition caused by the absence of light.
Etlanna – The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.
Everthang – All-encompassing.
Far – A state of combustion that produces heat and light.
Foller – Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.
Git – To acquire.
Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.
Gull – A young female.
Hale – Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.
Hep – To aid or benefit.
Idinit – “Mighty hot today, idinit?”
Keer – To be concerned.
Lieberry – A building containing thousands of literary works.
Moanin – Between daybreak and noon.
Motuhsickle – A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.
Munts – The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.
Nawth – Any part of the country outside of the South.
Nekkid – To be unclothed.
Ovair – In that direction.
Own – Instead of awf.
Phrasin – Very cold.
Pitcher – An image, either drawn or photographed.
Sebmup – Soft drink similar to ginger ale.
Show – “It show is hot today.”
Spearmint – Something scientist do.
Stow – Place where things are sold.
Tal – What you dry off with after you take a share.
Tar – Round inflatable object that sometimes goes flat.
Uhmukin – Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.
Zackly – Precisely.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I’m sending him over.”
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
“Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
“OK, what about the earsth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.
“OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to see her run!”
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