Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive
floppies are them little ol’ plactic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK – ats aww-right
cancel – hail no
reset – awa shoot
yes – shore
no – Naaaa
find – hunt-fer it
go to – over yonder
back – back yonder
help – hep me out here
stop – ternit off
start – crank it up
settings – sittins
programs – stuff at does stuff
documents – stuff I done done
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs
that are exclusive to winders 98:
tiperiter – A word processor
colering book – a graphics program
addin mershene – calculator
outhouse paper – notepad
jupe-box – CD Player
iner-net – Microsoft Explorer
pichers – A graphics viewer
IRS – M/S accounting software
IRS2 – M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog – American kennel club records
fishin – Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA – National Rifle Association
shot gun – Remington Arms price list
riffel – Winchester price list
pisstel – Smith and Wesson price list
truck – Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
house – Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
car – same as truck just need two, list in Alabama
cuzzins – family history (usually a 3 meg file)
tax records – usually an empty file
shells – ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud – list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
rasin – NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
car ‘n truck parts – nearest junk yard by zip code
doc – veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement copy.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas) were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman, who was not from Texas, said “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”
The Texas lady commented, “Well,… isn’t that nice??”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”
Again, the Texas lady commented, “Well,… isn’t that nice??”
The first woman boasted “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, “Well,… isn’t that nice??”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
The Texas lady replied “My husband sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school!”, the first woman cried, “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”
The Texas lady responded, “So that instead of saying ‘who gives a crap’ I learned to say, ‘Well,… isn’t that nice?’”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a local trooper.
He saunters up, taps on the window with nightstick, and the driver rolls it down. Suddenly, the copper wacks the driver on the head…
The driver squeals, “In the name of God, why’d you do that???”
The trooper says, “Well, you’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”
The Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
Trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and sure enough he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper cracks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, “For crimminies sake, what was that for???”
The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”
The passenger asks, “Huh?”
The cop says, “I know that 2 miles down the road you’re gonna say: ‘I wish that jerk would’ve tried that stuff with me!’”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Tennessee burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
Big Jimbo sauntered into his local Post Office, and noticed a new sign on the wall:
MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA
“Dang it!” he said, “…if only that job was in Texas, Ah’d be a takin it!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,”Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there sweet thang,how’s about gettin’ me a cold glass of RC!” He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?” The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Hey, man, don’t touch me…… I’m drawin’ disability!!!!!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.
He’s going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in the South.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, “You stay out of this Mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, “You’re right,that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm.”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1459)
A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.
“Before i put you to death,” said the enemy, “do you have any last requests?”
The Alabama man said, “Could you shoot me after you play the song ‘Yeah, Alabama?”
“Sure,” the man agreed. “How about you?”
The Tennessee man said, “COuld you shoot me before you play ‘Yeah, Alabam?”
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