Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1460)
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop and the next gasoline station and fill up.
“What can I do fer y’all?” the attendant asked.
“Fill it with supreme,” the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. “What kinda car is dis here?” he asked. “I never seen one like it before.”
“It’s a brand new Cadillac,” the driver said proudly. “It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments…”
“Wow,” said the attendant. “That there’s the fanciest car I ever did see.”
“How much do I owe you?” asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
“That’ll be $30.25,” he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
“What’re them little things there?” asked the attendant.
“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” said the man.
“Goodness,” said the attendant. “Them Cadillac people think of everything.”
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1460)
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You’ve ever been arrested for bootleggin’.
You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
You’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.
You’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
You’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.
You’ve ever been in a fistfight involving the phrase “Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator”.
You’ve ever been in a fistfight with your best friend because he said his John Deere would out pull your Farmall.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You’ve ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
You’ve ever been trapped in crossfire at a family reunion.
You’ve ever bought a used cap.
You’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.
You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
You’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
You’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
You’ve ever driven a tractor to a family reunion.
You’ve ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
You’ve ever drunk mouthwash just because you’re too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.
You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.
You’ve ever fed your date french fries in a Denny’s.
You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
You’ve ever fished from over a fence.
You’ve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
You’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.
You’ve ever given rattraps as gifts.
You’ve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You’ve ever gotten a “lap” dance from your sister!
You’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.
You’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
You’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
You’ve ever had sex in a sattelite dish.
You’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1460), Technology (+1819)
If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1460)
The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That “gimme sugar” don’t mean pass the sugar.
When somebody’s “fixin” to do something, it won’t be long.
The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
Knows what, “Well I Suwannee !!” means.
Ain’t nobody’s biscuits like Grandma’s biscuits !!
A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don’t come from the store.
When “by and by” is.
How to handle their “pot likker”.
The difference between “pert’ near” and “a right far piece”.
The differences between a redneck and a good ol’ boy.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll ‘em up past the elbows.
You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy’s pants up.
Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1460)
A new law was recently passed in Mississippi:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1460)
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.
Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked into Ole’s eyes and said, “Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.
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Read all jokes from: Lists (+730), Redneck (+1460)
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
The Dollar-General is bigger than the Wal-Mart.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
The fairground’s main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest!
The family business needs a lookout.
The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife… and wave to her.
The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year”.
The figures on your wedding cake wore overalls.
The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed your bathroom never did reach the house.
The first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”
The first thing you do in the morning is checking your critter trap, and you’re disappointed when it is empty.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!” “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin?”
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
The front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
The game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The highlight of your family reunion was your sister’s nude dancing debut
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
The landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
The library in your city ran out of the book “The ABC’s of Belching”.
The main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?”
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper.
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1460)
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, “I resent that!”
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.
The redneck looked at him and said, ” You stay outta this, I”m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1460)
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.
“Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”
“Yep. Sure did,” the man muttered unconcernedly.
“Do you realize that is the President of the United States’ airplane?”
“Yep.”
“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.
“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer signed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”
“The President of the United States is DEAD?” The agent gulped in disbelief.
“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t, but you know what a liar he is.”
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Read all jokes from: Redneck (+1460)
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “So this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”
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