Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
Roy was entertaining a friend in his living room. They were talking about all sorts of things. Roy mentioned he had a very good cat but this cat had been acting strange lately. He was biting and chewing all of Roy’s shoes.
He had just gone out and bought some new ones to replace the shoes the cat had destroyed. This morning Roy found that the cat got to his brand new shoes. Just then, the cat walked through the living room. His friend interrupted, saying, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. “Friday, get help! Get help!”
“Yes!” Friday replied, “Get help now!” Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe’s tent and danced and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe’s tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.
“Who is that?” Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, “Thank Friday! It’s God!”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
A man who despised his city’s Building Department decided to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn’t out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man’s injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
“What!?” exclaimed the man. “You’re going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?”
“Oh no,” replied the policeman. “We’re arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That’s a clear case of illegal eavesdropping.”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
A giant panda escaped from the zoo in New York. Eventually, he found his way downtown and walked into a restaurant, where he found a seat at an emptey table. The maitre d’, being a native New Yorker figures he’s seen stranger things than this so he sends over a waiter to take the panda’s order. In due course the panda’s meal arrives and he eats.
After he finishes his dinner he stands up, calmly pulls out a gun from God-knows-where he had it hidden, and blows away several customers and a couple of the waiters. Then he turns around and walks toward the door.
Naturally, the maitre d’ is horrified. He stops the panda and demands an explanation, at the very least.
The panda says to him, “What do I look like to you”?
The maitre d’ answers, “Well, a giant panda, of course.”
“That’s right,” says the panda, “Look it up,” and he walks out.
The maitre d’ calls the police. When they arrive the maitre d’ relates the whole story to them, including the panda’s comment about looking it up. So the chief detective sends a rookie out to get an encyclopedia.
He eventually returns with the Encyclopedia Brittanica, Volume P. The detective looks up “panda”, and there’s the answer: “Giant panda, lives in China, eats shoots and leaves.”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
During Desert Storm, an American Air Force officer met a Saudi Air Force officer. They began to make small talk, and after the discussion had been carrying on for a little while, the Saudi officer decided to pull out his wallet and show pictures of his family to the American.
When the American saw the picture of the Saudi’s family, he was shocked. “Hey, that looks like my son,” he said, referring to one of the Saudi officer’s children. “That looks just like my Juan!”
The Saudi officer explained. “About 15 years ago, I went to Mexico to drill from oil. While I was there, my wife and I decided to adopt a young boy. We named him Amal and he’s grown up with us.”
The American said, “Well, about 15 years ago, my wife and I were stationed at the Mexican embassy. We adopted Juan and now he’s in high school. I wonder if your boy and mine are twins!”
Sure enough, the boys had the same birthday and they agreed that the two boys must have been twins. After the war ended, they agreed to meet in Los Angeles and have a big reunion. Of course, the news media received word of this and were eagerly anticipating the arrival of the young boy from the Middle East.
However, to the disappointment of the crowd that had assembled, it was announced that the plane would be over four hours late. Juan’s mother said to the media, “You might as well go home. There’s no point in waiting here.”
“Why would we want to do that?” asked a reporter.
“Well,” she replied, “they’re identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
There was a Rabbi who was shipwrecked on an island. He knew that there was no way he could get off so he decided to make the best of it.
One day in his exploration of the island he came across an interesting tribe of people. They devised some kind of communication and he found out they called themselves Trids. He asked if he could join the tribe. The Trids said yes. So the Rabbi did everything that the Trids did.
One day about a month after the Rabbi joined the Trids, there was a loud trumpet sounding. The Trids all lined up and started walking up the hill. The Rabbi joined them thinking it was some religious ceremony. The Trids stopped on top of a cliff by the sea. They were in a straight line. The Rabbi followed. Then a giant came out of the woods and began to kick each Trid off the cliff. The giant passed the Rabbi and continued to kicked the Trids off the cliff. When the Giant was finished, the Rabbi went to the Giant and asked why he didn’t get kicked off. The Giant replied, “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
All the top chess players show up at a hotel for an important international tournament. They spend the first hour hanging around the lobby telling each other of their recent victories. Their crows get progressively louder and louder as each one tries to outdo the others.
The hotel manager gets tired of this, so he throws them out of the lobby and tells them to go to their rooms. “If there’s one thing I can’t stand,” he says, “it’s chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. Each summer the lawyer would invite a different friend to spend a week or two.
On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch gathering blueberries and raspberries, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in that one,” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
“What did you do that for?” exclaimed the lawyer. “I said he was in the other one!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?”
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
Some friars wanted to do more for their flock but their vow of poverty, simple lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds was, to say the least, meager. Nevertheless, they put their collective heads together and came up with the idea of opening a small florist shop. They reasoned that they could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, and what they couldn’t grow, they could likely pick from the surrounding countryside.
As you can probably guess, everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their little business flourished. So much so that the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close their little shop, but their flower business was providing them with much-needed funds for their good works and they refused. He went back time and again, finally begging the friars to close. By this time, they had tired of the florist’s constant whining and they ignored him. The florist even asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the flower business, but they ignored her, too.
By this time, the florist was nearly backrupt and in desperation hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” the good friars to close. Being a man of few morals and even fewer religious convictions, Hugh had no ethical problems with his assigned task and promptly gave the friars a thorough beating and trashed their store. He departed with a stern warning that he’d be back if they didn’t close the shop. Terrified, the friars did so immediately, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
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