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I was teaching middle school children in a private academy, and the girls were talking when they should have been listening. So, I took the remote control for the air conditioner, pointed it in the girls’ direction, pushed the power button, and said, “Be quiet!” Then, one of the girls, looked at me sadly and said, “Teacher, turn me on. Turn me on.”
[Note: "turn me on" has two meanings, the literal and the figurative. Literally, one cannot "turn on" a person, but in this case we were pretending that a person was a machine. Figuratively, one CAN "turn on" a person, but it has a sexual connotation. It means to make a person excited/stimulated.]
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A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.
When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said “Are you okay?” The woman answered, “I’ve been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.”
Linda didn’t know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then when she regained consciousness, attempted to hold her brains in!
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Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. “If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners,” he remarked, “she doesn’t deserve to have any.”
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St. Paul, Minnesota:
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
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Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press
A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.
Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.
Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.
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Police in Yorkshire were busily watching for speeding cars with there mobile radar equipment when their equipment appeared to malfunction; it began to clock a speeder at 300 mph…All was revealed a few seconds later when a low flying Harrier jump jet screamed over head. The police registered a complaint regarding damaged radar equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defense). The MOD replied that the damage could have been worse: the Harrier’s defense systems had latched onto the radar and had gone into an automatic pre-emptive strike mode before the pilot decided enemy anti-aircraft activity was unlikely along the motorways of northern England…
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TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) – A company is trying to erase an embarrassing mistake it made on pencils bearing an anti-drug message. The pencils carry the slogan: “Too Cool to Do Drugs.” But a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in northern New York noticed when the pencils are sharpened; the message turns into “Cool to Do Drugs” then simply “Do Drugs…”
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Bellevue, WA
There’s a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the woman who called wanting information on home schooling.
Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.
Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form.
The mother gave a Renton address.
The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.
“No way,” said the mother. “Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools.”
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A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,”If I catch you, you are mine!!!”
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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