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A man named Hugh Gallagher wrote this essay when he was applying for college. Hugh now attends New York University.
3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon
Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, the Mets scouted me, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat a .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes. Once, he told this story about a time that he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?” Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: “No Sir, I have never seen you before.”
The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.” Doyle said: “This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes. ” There is one other thing,” the driver said. “What is that?” “Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”
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One afternoon, during our second week of summer camp, we were at the pool and Azuriah (1st Grade) came up to me screaming with his hands over his eyes, “MY EYES! MY EYES!” Sunscreen was spread thickly on his forehead and the water from the pool had cascaded opaque streams over his eyelids. “It hurts! Ow!” I grabbed Max and Jack (3rd graders), to accompany us in the bathroom to rise out his eyes.
Max and Jack showed little sympathy and fooled around with the sinks as I instructed Azuriah to splash water over his eyes. He wailed and carried on with torturous pain “MY EYES!” Owwww!”
I appreciated Max and Jack keeping themselves occupied but I noticed Jack filling his cupped hand with liquid soap. “Jack!”, I said firmly. “I’m trying to help this guy out and you’re just wasting the soap! Go sit down on the bench and wait please.” I resume helping Azuriah get water over his face and not ten seconds later, I see Jack with his hands over his eyes yelling, “AHHH MY EYES!”
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories for an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn’t the pig included in this list?)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (YEP !)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm…)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 3 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…?) (Did the gov ‘t pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew…? Who cares!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (“Honey, I’m home. What the…”)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump. (Duh.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
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Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear.
67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
3/4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework.
91% of us lie regularly. (no we don’t)
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
29% of us are virgins when we marry.(and most regret that)
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion.
7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
The most popular candy is Snickers.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
62% of us pop our zits.
33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?liars)
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
The average girl starts her period at age 12.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
46.5% of men say they always put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to always find it up.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
23.5% admit they don’t always flush.
45.2% pee in the shower.
44.9% pee in the ocean.
28.1% pee in the pool.
55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re sitting the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet.
17% have been caught by the host.
81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines to tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.(and the 3rd wont have a spouse to give much longer)
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). . . (okay only men).
59% of us say we’re average looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful(well we are).
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
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10,501 Americans are born.
5,937 Americans die.
4,637 illegal aliens are apprehended trying to cross the US border.
4,481 are Mexican.
$412,104 is spent by the US border patrol, about $89 per alien apprehended.
39,109 pounds of marijuana are brought into the US.
Of this, 3,911 pounds are seized by the DEA, about 10%.
2,239 pounds of cocaine are brought into the US.
Of this, 224 pounds are seized by the DEA, about 10%.
There are 290 drug-related emergency-room incidents; of these,
14 are caused by marijuana
Aspirin causes 15
Valium causes 23
58 are caused by alcohol in combination
10 result in death.
256 Americans die in accidents, of these,
133 die in motor-vehicle accidents
55 die from exposure to household radon gas
6 die in construction accidents
5 die in firearms accidents
American children watch 3.5 hours of television; during which time they will see,
5 alcohol commercials
22 acts of violence
38 sexual references and innuendoes
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If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:
There would be: 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere, and 8 Africans
52 would be female, 48 would be male
70 would be nonwhite, 30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian, 30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual, 11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world’s wealth and all 6 would be from the United States
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer
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Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.
The first little boy was to say “My fair maiden…I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope”.
The second little boy was to reply by saying “Hark! a pistol shot.”
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified! .
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out those unforgettable words…
“My fair maiden…I have come to kiss your snatch!.. and fill your hole with soap.”
The second boy screams out…”Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of sh*t, horse sh*t, cow sh*t, bull sh*t…I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway…”
The audience left howling.
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Actual Announcements London Tube Train Drivers Have Made To Their Passengers
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.
“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…’”.
“We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ” Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately towels are not provided”.
“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause …) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home…”
“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your ass sideways”
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(British rules of the road)
Please note the recent appendix to the highway code:
“In order to assist motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it is now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average driving ability to display a warning flag.
The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) must be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.
For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required.”
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