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Shaggy Dog Story (+15),
Stories (+318)
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. “Friday, get help! Get help!”
“Yes!” Friday replied, “Get help now!” Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe’s tent and danced and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe’s tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.
“Who is that?” Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, “Thank Friday! It’s God!”
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Stories (+318)
Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant’s attorney.
Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the claimant in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of it, you went to hide behind the bushes ?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time in hiding, you turned your back to the scene?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the claimant’s ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Okay so if your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the claimant and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the claimant’s ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU “KNOW” THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE CLAIMANT IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
Attorney: No more questions.
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Stories (+318)
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail’s pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren’t scratched.
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Real Story (+120),
Stories (+318)
Denny’s resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!
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Real Story (+120),
Stories (+318)
January 12, 1993
Raleigh, N.C., judge Don Overby, in several recent cases involving juvenile theft, has forced the convicted kid to go home, retrieve his own most prized possession, bring it back to Overby’s courtroom, and watch while the judge smashes it up.
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Real Story (+120),
Stories (+318)
Chicago Tribune
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
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Stories (+318)
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during
flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing. They borrowed FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine’s cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
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Stories (+318)
LYNCHBURG, Va. (AP) – A prosecutor says greasy fingerprints led police in Virginia to a suspect with sticky fingers. Assistant Commonwealth’s Attorney Bethany Harrison said Lynchburg police matched prints on an orange juice bottle left at the scene of a breaking and entering to 33-year-old Bernard Wood.
He was sentenced Friday to six years in prison after being found guilty of three counts of burglary and two counts of grand larceny.
Harrison said Wood stole appliances, jewelry and tools from several homes in June and raided his victims’ refrigerators.
At one crime scene, police found the juice bottle and remnants of a chicken.
Harrison says police also recovered some of the 78 bags of popcorn also reported stolen when they went to Wood’s home to arrest him.
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Stories (+318)
German philosopher Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, “Only one man ever understood me.” He fell silent for a while and then added, “And he didn’t understand me.”
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Stories (+318)
Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
In an office: To the person who took the stepladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken
Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag Do-it-yourself
In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything – Bicycles, washing machines, ect… Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall, which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also
On the side of a road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco: SMARTS is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
A Hazard sign: QUICKSAND. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of
Sign on motorway garage: Do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but out petrol is
Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
On a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – The bell doesn’t work)
Sign at farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: “Do not activate with wet hands.”
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