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Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
February 10, 1993 Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne’s arrest record.
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
February 17, 1993 Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the passenger door from inside, she sped away.
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; “I’ve got the latest model and it doesn’t have a space bar.” But after further explanation, he managed to find it. A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad’s head was spinning. “You don’t need to go any further,” he sighed, I don’t understand a thing.” To cheer him up, the instructor said: “Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn’t even know where the space bar was!”
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain’s web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: “Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days.”
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
Watertown, New York: It was eagle-eyed zookeepers who noticed first. The DNA testing only proved what they already suspected. The Thompson Park Zoo’s American bald eagle breeding program was going nowhere. Not with two males, anyway. “We had our suspicions right away. The birds are virtually the identical size,” said Director Glenn D. Dobrogosz, who laughed Tuesday about the gender mix-up that provided a comical start to the zoo’s new eagle breeding program. “It happens. Not a lot. But it happens,” he said. The two American bald eagles – supposedly a male and female – arrived at the zoo last July from the Bird Treatment and Learning Center in Anchorage, Alaska. The two males became good buddies but zookeepers quickly realized there would be no amorous flights for these two, Dobrogosz said. Because bald eagle males and females share the same coloring characteristics, it is difficult to determine gender by visual inspection. However, in most raptor species, the female is slightly larger than the male, he said. Based on their size and behavior, the Alaska center mistakenly thought it had sent a male and a female, Dobrogosz said. It wasn’t until the Thompson Park Zoo took blood samples for DNA testing that it confirmed the birds’ sexes. “Sure enough, they both were boys,” he said. Now that the confusion has been cleared up, zookeepers are once again focused on the romancing. One of the males is being sent to the Clinch Park Zoo in Traverse City, Mich. Meanwhile, the Watertown zoo already has received a new female from another raptor rehabilitation center on Sitka Island in Alaska. “We’re positive this time,” Dobrogosz said, heading off the inevitable inquiry about the bird’s gender.
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
Not far from me we have a friend who raises Brahma Bulls. I asked how he got them to breed so well, since he has a nice herd. He said that he gave the bulls potency pills and I asked what the pills were made of. He said “Damned if I know, but they taste a little like a saltine.”
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America’s many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of “Crazy Glue” … the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. “Sally (the rhino) hasn’t been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank,” said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally’s tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino’s buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. “It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,” said Douglass. Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. “I’m going to buy some for my children, but of course they can’t take it to the zoo,” commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, “A Dog’s World.” One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things.
Read all jokes from:Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
A baffled British woman who lost a mobile phone dialed the number and heard it ringing inside her friend’s dog. Rachel Murray, 27, had left the cellphone under her Christmas tree as a surprise gift for her flatmate, The Sun newspaper reported on Friday. But chum Tony Dangerfield’s bloodhound Charlie crept into the room and greedily wolfed down the mobile phone, leaving only a pile of torn paper. After a frantic search for the phone, Murray obtained the number from the telephone company, dialed and heard muffled ringing from sleeping Charlie’s stomach. “At first I thought Charlie was lying on the phone — then I realized where it was,” she said. “I couldn’t believe he’d swallowed it.” The dog was rushed to a vet, who advised Murray and Dangerfield to let nature take its course. Twenty four hours later the phone duly emerged — in perfect working order.
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