Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.
The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.
Snails breathe through their feet!
Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.
The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen ‘Born in the USA’.
The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)
2 out of 5 people live in China or India.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
90% of people who read that will attempt it…
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.
Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
Most lipstick contains fish scales!
What’s the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.
More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.
In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!
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Read all jokes from: Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he’d like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, “Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn’t heard from them since.
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Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.
*** /// ***
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
* * * /// * * *
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
* * * /// * * *
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
* * * /// * * *
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
* * * /// * * *
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
* * * /// * * *
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
* * * /// * * *
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
* * * /// * * *
Dear Mr.. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
* * * /// * * *
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
* * * /// * * *
Dear Mr.. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
* * * /// * * *
Dear Mrs.. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of the tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of the tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
After watching the movie Aladdin, a five-year-old kid named Eric started using his mother’s empty teakettle as a magic lamp pretending he could summon the genie and grant wishes. “Make three wishes, Mom” he told his mother, “and I’ll make the genie grant them.”
His mom first asked to rescue all poor kids from poverty. Eric proceeded to rub “the lamp” and pretended to talk to the invisible genie, then proclaimed his mom’s wish fulfilled.
Next, his mom asked for a cure for all sick kids. Again, Eric rubbed the pretend lamp and spoke to the invisible genie, then said his mom’s second wish was fulfilled.
Eric’s mother then looked down at her own rather ample figure and made her third wish, “I wish to be thin again.”
At this Eric started rubbing his magic lamp furiously. When the magic obviously failed to work Eric looked up at his mom and said very matter-of-factly, “Mom, I think I’m going to need a lot more powerful magic for this wish”!
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Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. gdooybe
(Taht wlil fcuk the splelchekcer)
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Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat… been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs – $175.
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies:
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Read all jokes from: Shaggy Dog Story (+15), Stories (+318)
A giant panda escaped from the zoo in New York. Eventually, he found his way downtown and walked into a restaurant, where he found a seat at an emptey table. The maitre d’, being a native New Yorker figures he’s seen stranger things than this so he sends over a waiter to take the panda’s order. In due course the panda’s meal arrives and he eats.
After he finishes his dinner he stands up, calmly pulls out a gun from God-knows-where he had it hidden, and blows away several customers and a couple of the waiters. Then he turns around and walks toward the door.
Naturally, the maitre d’ is horrified. He stops the panda and demands an explanation, at the very least.
The panda says to him, “What do I look like to you”?
The maitre d’ answers, “Well, a giant panda, of course.”
“That’s right,” says the panda, “Look it up,” and he walks out.
The maitre d’ calls the police. When they arrive the maitre d’ relates the whole story to them, including the panda’s comment about looking it up. So the chief detective sends a rookie out to get an encyclopedia.
He eventually returns with the Encyclopedia Brittanica, Volume P. The detective looks up “panda”, and there’s the answer: “Giant panda, lives in China, eats shoots and leaves.”
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Read all jokes from: Real Story (+120), Stories (+318)
Sunday, December 13, 1992
In October, the Swallows Hotel in Gateshead, England, offered 11 chronic snorers a free night’s stay so they it could test how well soundproofed the rooms are. The hotel staff tape-recorded the sounds coming from the rooms and promised the loudest snorer a prize.
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Read all jokes from: Stories (+318)
“A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.”
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#’ng sheet rock…”
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Reaching my son at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology on his fraternity-house phone was next to impossible. Instead I began to e-mail him. This way, when I reminded him to dress warmly, eat well and study hard, I could feel confident that he’d received my message. After my second lengthy e-mail communiqu
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